Confessions of a Frigid Man A Philosopher's Journey into the Hidden Layers of Men's Sexuality Masahiro Morioka CC BY-ND 4.0 This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license. This book is also available at Amazon.com, Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.de, Amazon.fr, Amazon.it, Amazon.es, and Kindle stores. Confessions of a Frigid Man A Philosopher's Journey into the Hidden Layers of Men's Sexuality Masahiro Morioka Tokyo Philosophy Project Tokyo Originally published in Japanese by Chikuma Shobō Ltd., Tokyo, in 2005 and 2013 (ISBN:4-480-06221-1, ISBN:4-480-43057-1) Copyright: © 2005, 2013 by Masahiro Morioka English translation: CC BY-ND 4.0, 2017 by Robert Chapeskie and Masahiro Morioka Translated by Robert Chapeskie (Preface, Chapters 1 through 5, Afterword–2004) and Masahiro Morioka (Foreword, Epilogue, Afterword–2017) Published in Japan by Tokyo Philosophy Project, Waseda University, 2-579-15 Mikajima, Tokorozawa, Saitama 3591192, Japan www.philosophyoflife.org/tpp/ First edition: January 20, 2017 Contents Foreword to English Readers 1 Preface 7 Chapter 1 As Long as There's a Miniskirt I Don't Need a Flesh and Blood Woman!? 11 Chapter 2 Men Who Avert Their Eyes from "Male Frigidity" 23 Chapter 3 Why am I Attracted to School Uniforms? 57 Chapter 4 Delving into the Psychology of Men with "Lolita Complexes" 85 Chapter 5 Moving Beyond Being a "Frigid Man" 133 Afterword – 2004 165 Epilogue Further Thoughts on a Frigid Man – 2013 167 Afterword – 2017 193 1 Foreword to English Readers This book was published under the title A Frigid Man (Kanjinai Otoko) in Japanese in 2005. It soon stirred controversy over the nature of male sexuality, male "frigidity," and its connection to the "Lolita complex," an adult male sexual obsession with young teenage girls. Today, this work is considered a classic in Japanese men's studies. The most striking feature of this book is that it was written from the author's first-person perspective. I am a professor who teaches philosophy and ethics at a university in Japan, and in this book I talk about my own sexual fetishism, my feeling of emptiness after ejaculation, and my huge obsession with young girls and their developing female bodies. I undertake a philosophical investigation of how and why sexuality took such a form within a person who had grown up as a "normal," heterosexual man. This may be the first case in which a philosopher delves deep into his own sexuality and poses an ambitious hypothesis about the formation of male "frigid" sexuality, which might actually be shared by many "normal" men in our society in a hidden way. Reading this book, female readers will come to know, for the first time, some hidden aspects of male sexuality which men have skillfully submerged in a deep layer of 2 their psyches. In Chapter One, my fetish for women's miniskirts is discussed. I argue that the reason why men are attracted to miniskirts is not because they wish to see under the miniskirt, but because they wish to see the dynamic tension between concealment and revelation which is automatically created by the lively movement of the hemline of a skirt. The development of this fetish is driven by a desperate, craving search for something that is supposed to provide men with intense pleasure but can never actually be found anywhere in this world. This is one of the most basic psychological/mental grounds of frigidity in men. In Chapter Two, I discuss ejaculation on the basis of my own experience. I can feel a momentary pleasure during ejaculation, but almost immediately afterward I am engulfed by an overwhelming feeling of collapse and emptiness. I call this "male frigidity" and argue that many men, like myself, actually suffer from this kind of symptom. While many men tacitly know this fact, they usually look away from it and try to believe the false statement that ejaculation is nothing but heavenly pleasure. Psychiatric medicine has recognized the concept of "male orgasmic disorder;" however, "male frigidity" does not fall under this category. I also emphasize that frigid men's way of consuming pornography is fundamentally twisted and obsessed; hence, it should be considered a kind of self-injury. In this chapter, readers gradually come to understand the basic concept of "male frigidity" and an outline of frigid men's way of thinking. 3 Chapter Three discusses the fetishization of junior high and high school girls' uniforms, which is said to be prevalent among Japanese adult men. Since Englishspeaking readers may not be as familiar with this phenomenon, I would like to make a brief comment here. In Japan, a majority of girls in junior high and high school wear uniforms to school. If you are a fan of Japanese manga or anime, you may immediately recall a young heroine wearing a jacket and a miniskirt at school. There are a number of adult men who are sexually attracted to these school uniforms. This mindset seems to begin prevailing among people around the world who love manga/anime. And I confess that I am no exception. However, the reason why so many men are attracted to school uniforms has not been made clear in men's studies. I analyze my inner sexuality and conclude that my fetishism has a close connection with my deep-rooted "male frigidity." I argue that behind school uniform fetishism there lurks a strong desire to brainwash girls in uniforms, and closely examining this desire reveals another desire-to virtually transport myself into a girl's body, which is possible only in the world of my imagination. Chapter Four is the most controversial part of this book. I confess that I can understand erotic feelings towards young girls around the age of twelve. It is very unusual to read such words in a published book, but this is the starting point where my journey of exploration into the mystery of my strange and twisted sexuality begins, and readers will be strongly perplexed to read my analysis of why such sexuality has taken 4 form inside me. I withhold writing its details here and leave them to the readers' future enjoyment, but again I want to stress that my "male frigidity" plays an important role in the formation of my Lolita complex. I then discuss why some frigid men imagine having intercourse with young girls around the age of puberty. Although my hypothesis sounds very strange, it seems to be possible that my discussion might valuably contribute to the investigation of the pathology of adult men desiring preteen girls. In Chapter Five, I undertake an investigation into my body image and discern that the idea that "my male body is dirty" has been deeply inscribed in me. This idea was formed when I first experienced wet dreams and masturbation. I became a frigid man when I was a junior high and high school student. And my experiences in my college-student days eloquently show what it is like to be a frigid man. I encourage men like me to frankly acknowledge the "frigidity" of their bodies and then try to find a way to dismantle their body image so as to become liberated from their obsessed sexuality. The epilogue was written eight years after the book was first published. Readers can see what has happened in my actual life. I reply to some of the representative comments and criticisms that have appeared in the mass media, on the Internet, and in personal communications. I explain the method of "life studies" which was used in the book. This is a study method that can only be accomplished by "never detaching oneself from the subject being investigated." 5 You can find more information about the method of "life studies" in section two of the epilogue. Confessions of a Frigid Man is a philosophical experiment of applying this study method to the author's own sexuality.

Preface In this book I am going to write about the idea that men may not feel much sexual pleasure or satisfaction, and that it is because of this lack of feeling that they become absorbed in sexual fantasies involving things like miniskirts, uniforms, "lolicon" [a Japanese term for "Lolita complex"], and rape. In order to support this assertion I will speak extensively about myself. I intend to consider this issue not in terms of a general theory of male sexuality but rather from the point of view of my own specific case. But I hope male readers read this text as if it were written just for them. I hope female readers read it with a sense of urgency, imagining that the man they are with may be subject to some of the same psychological workings it describes. I have resolved to speak with complete frankness; I intend to explore this unknown world without any fear or reservation. Here I would like to say a few words about how this book came to be written. I wrote two essays on miniskirts and pornography in academic journals (Japanese Journal of Addiction and Family, Vol.17, No.4, (2000), The Japanese Society of Studies on Addictive Behaviors / Women's Studies, Vol.10, (2003), The Women's Studies Association of Japan). Since these journals are for experts in this field, I assumed these essays would only be read by a very small number 8 of people, but after their publication they elicited a surprisingly large response. This response went well beyond academia; part of my essay on miniskirts was even read on a late night television show with passages of text appearing directly on the screen. I was baffled by the extent of this reaction, but one day someone pointed out to me that it was probably because I talked about sexuality in the first person, using "I" as the subject. Most books talk about sex in terms of general statements like "men are like this" or "women are like this" with the author's own sexuality being kept off limits, and among such texts my writings stood out because I said "I am like this" without any sense of shame. This was what made my essays interesting. I thought this sounded quite plausible, and was greatly encouraged by it. I thought it might be interesting to try to write a whole book from the perspective of "I am like this." This book is the result of that attempt. With some minor alterations, the two papers I mentioned above became chapters one and two respectively. At times, I wondered whether it was really appropriate for an academic to write these sorts of things. On the other hand, however, I also had the feeling that it is indeed academics like myself who ought to be engaged in this kind of experimentation. When thinking about male sexuality, what currently serves as the best point of reference is the approach taken by feminism. Feminists argue that throughout this society an unequal structure has been put in place that allows men to dominate women to their own 9 advantage. And when it comes to sex, too, our ways of thinking and feeling have been formed under the powerful influence of this kind of structure. In this book, however, I will not introduce these sorts of theories. Instead I will begin developing my own way of thinking and hypotheses right from the start. The decision to take this approach was not an easy one, but I ultimately elected to do so because I thought that the value of this book would lie in the presentation of a way of looking at sexuality that had never been tried before, that is, a new perspective that could provide an "opportunity" to examine these issues from a variety of different angles. In this book I have written many things that may seem strange or contrary to common sense, but for me they are the truth. I hope that at least some of what I have to say will resonate with my readers as well.

Chapter 1 As long as There's a Miniskirt I Don't Need a Flesh and Blood Woman!? 1 The falsity of "this is how men are" The term "sexuality" refers to an individual's deeply ingrained ways of thinking and feeling about sex. The sexuality of men is difficult to examine. Recently, Jun'ichi Watanabe has discussed this topic in The Nature of Men (Otoko to Iumono, Chūkō Bunko, 2001, originally published in 1998), but his approach involves only a broad generalization of "how men are." In Watanabe's mind, a man's sexuality does not change at all from the time he is born. My sexuality, however, changed significantly after I entered my thirties. This change shook my identity at its roots and profoundly altered how I live my life. This experience has given me first-hand knowledge of the falsity of general claims about "how men are." The phrase "this is how men are" is nothing more than a compact between men to tell each other that "this is how men are" and thus make things easier for ourselves." The study of male sexuality has just begun. In this chapter, I would like to address one of the topics I have 12 been thinking about for a long time: why do I feel desire for (get turned on by) miniskirts? I will write about this in the first person, because not all men are attracted to miniskirts. It seems to have been empirically verified, however, that a large percentage of men do indeed find this article of clothing sexually arousing. In manga [Japanese comic books, often aimed at adults] and other forms of entertainment, scenes of a man's attention being captured by a miniskirt are often depicted. Miniskirts are the standard attire of event models at trade fairs and expos and "race queens" [scantily clad women who appear at motorsport events]. The exploration of one's own sexuality involves a great deal of pain and shame. This is no doubt true for both men and women. I have long interrogated myself on the subject of miniskirts. Some of my questions have been answered, but many remain. In some cases the mystery has been solved and I have been cured of what was bothering me. To begin with, let me present two interesting examples. Example one: As part of a program on NHK educational television, I was once filmed visiting a transvestite bar in the "Ni-chōme" area of Shinjuku [a well-known gay district in Tokyo]. Inside the bar, men dressed as women drank and chatted. Each of the men had their own distinct style, and I enjoyed talking with them. While I was conducting an interview, one of them stood up from the sofa where he had been sitting. He was wearing a tight-fitting miniskirt, and the line of 13 his legs and hips was just like that of a woman. When I saw his legs, I felt attracted to them without thinking. This was a shocking experience. I was there to shoot footage of a transvestite bar, so I had presumably looked at him with the assumption that he was biologically male. But I nevertheless responded strongly to his miniskirt-clad form. I had been well aware that I liked miniskirts. Until this event, however, I had thought that what I liked was "women wearing miniskirts." This belief had now been completely upended. Even if the person wearing it was a man, as long as he had beautiful legs like a woman I was still turned on by the sight of a miniskirt. What exactly was going on here? Example two: This is something I first noticed when I was quite young. Say I am on a train, for instance, and there is a woman in a miniskirt sitting down. As she is wearing a miniskirt, my eyes keep straying to her thighs. This excites me and I start to get turned on. When she stands up to get off the train, however, I notice that what I had thought was a miniskirt was actually a pair of shorts (culottes). In that instant, my desire is completely extinguished and replaced with a powerful feeling of disappointment. What is going on when this sort of thing occurs? Whether she is wearing a miniskirt or shorts, the exposed surface of her legs is presumably the same. Short culottes present the same silhouette as a miniskirt when seen at a distance. In other words, there should be almost no change in the way the lower half of her body appears. What changes is only something in 14 my head; in my mind there is a drastic shift from the fantasy of "she's wearing a miniskirt" to the disappointment of "she's wearing shorts." 2 Discrepancies in understanding between men and women What can be understood from these two examples? It would seem that the central issue is the "process of meaning attribution" (the process by which we try to attach meaning to what we see in front of us). The key point here is my (mistaken) attribution of the meaning "she is wearing a miniskirt, not shorts" to what I am seeing. In other words, short hemlines are not the only significant characteristic of miniskirts. What is important is the fact that the fantasy of catching a glimpse of a woman's underwear below the hem of her skirt runs through men's minds. After talking to women about miniskirts, I realized that many of them did not understand this sensitive pressure point of my sexuality. When I ask a woman why she thinks men are turned on by miniskirts, the most common answer is "because miniskirts make a woman's legs look beautiful." Of course, when I see slender, shapely legs I do indeed find them appealing. But this is different from the feeling I get when I am turned on by a miniskirt. There is a phrase in Japanese that translates to "discrepancy in understanding between men and women" and it seems apropos in this case. The general opinion among women is that men are attracted to the beautiful legs exposed by a 15 miniskirt. Some women then want their own legs to look good and receive this kind of male attention. What is really important for me, however, is just the possibility of seeing a woman's underwear. 3 The importance of the presence or absence of a "will to keep something hidden" Let us shift our perspective slightly and consider tennis outfits. When the players move, what they are wearing under their skirts is completely exposed, but this does not turn me on at all. I can't see these outfits as anything other than sportswear. So what is the difference between a tight miniskirt and a tennis outfit? Professional female tennis player Martina Hingis had a product logo printed on her under-skirt. This is a clue. Tennis outfits are designed with the intention of publicly "exposing" what is under the skirt. That is why they do not turn me on. In other words, my sexuality has been constructed in such a way that I am not attracted to what is deliberately "left in plain sight" in this manner. In a sense, it may be similar to the sexuality of a rapist. Rapists are said to only feel strong desire for women who are unwilling. There may be a significant point of similarity between rapists whose arousal depends on whether a woman is "willing or unwilling" and men like me whose arousal depends on whether something is "hidden or in plain sight." But if it is better that what is under the skirt be hidden, shouldn't a long skirt be just as good as a 16 miniskirt? With long skirts the concealment is complete. I must therefore rephrase my explanation with greater precision. What is important is that what is under the skirt may be exposed even though there is an intention to keep it hidden. In the case of Hingis, seeing what is under her skirt is not arousing because no attempt is being made to conceal it. The "body conscious" miniskirts that became very popular in the 1990s were a type of clothing that strongly stimulated my apparatus of sexual desire (the mechanism by which I become sexually aroused). This item of clothing is indeed not very tasteful so I am a bit embarrassed to admit that it turns me on, but since it is the truth, there is no avoiding this admission. The appeal of the body conscious miniskirt lies in the fact that when a woman moves or sits down, it tends to ride up her thighs. This occurs because they are made of materials with a great deal of elasticity. Here the idea of the miniskirt finds its supreme embodiment: even if a woman pulls it down with both hands, her hemline rises on its own in opposition to her will. Although she tries to prevent us from seeing what is under her skirt, it becomes almost visible again when she releases her hands. When my eyes are drawn without thinking to this state of affairs, a feeling of sexual desire directed towards the miniskirt arises within me. 4 Under the miniskirt: white panties So what exactly is being hidden underneath a miniskirt? Female genitalia? But it is not that simple, 17 because there is the question of what happens if the woman is not wearing anything under her skirt – if she is not wearing any underwear. Here we are faced with another difficult problem. A miniskirt with no underwear beneath it is another mechanism that arouses sexual desire in men. I can understand this form of arousal. Here we must consider what is occurring more carefully. To begin with, let us assume that the woman's genitals would be visible when I catch a glimpse under her skirt. Would I be turned on by this? The answer is "no." I would not be sexually aroused. My apparatus of desire only functions if she is wearing white panties. My sexuality views female genitals as "something that must be wrapped up." They must be solemnly covered by white cloth so that we cannot know what is underneath. And this whole package must be positioned in such a way that it may be seen at any moment beneath the miniskirt. In other words, the core of this mechanism can be interpreted as "the covered form itself (white panties) seems about to be revealed." Am I particular about the genitalia covered by underwear? As it turns out I am not. Remember the first episode I recounted: I felt the same kind of sexual attraction to a miniskirt being worn by a man dressed as a woman. At the time, I was well aware that the person wearing the miniskirt was biologically male. So I did not for a moment think that what was under the panties was female genitalia. Even so, I felt sexual desire. 18 At the same time, however, we must not overlook the fact that the man in question was dressed as a woman. If a kilt, a skirt worn by men as part of the traditional Scottish costume, were shortened, would it turn me on? I suspect it would not. If so, the important point must indeed be the relationship between skirts meant for women and underwear meant for women; as long as I can confirm that what I am looking at is the image of a woman in a miniskirt, the rest doesn't matter. Even if in fact it is a man wearing the skirt, as long as it looks as though it could be a woman, there is no problem, because what I am sexually attracted to is not the flesh and blood human being under the clothes. The interpretation of this phenomenon from a feminist perspective may be that men are turned on by the sense of superiority or domination they feel when they see a woman made vulnerable by her miniskirt and high heeled shoes. This is indeed one possible interpretation. When it comes to miniskirts, however, does this kind of explanation based on superiority and domination make sense? While I think this kind of explanation may be the best approach to understanding things like rape or confinement, regarding miniskirts it fails to completely explain what occurs. 5 In the case of dolls, anime and manga, what is it that I find arousing? Let us proceed on the basis of what has been set out above. If it is true that I am really not attracted to the 19 female body inside the skirt, then could I be turned on by a mannequin in a miniskirt? I probably could. The strength of my arousal would be reduced, however, because the mannequin does not move. As there is no motion, the defining characteristic of the miniskirt, the dynamism between concealment and revelation, becomes difficult to perceive. In the case of a mannequin, I must therefore supply this dynamism through the use of my imagination. Without the use of my intellectual faculties it is impossible for me to be turned on by a mannequin. Nonetheless, there are silicon mannequins called "RealDolls" created using techniques developed by Hollywood special effects artists, and it might be quite easy for me to feel desire for one of these dolls dressed in a miniskirt. In fact, it seems that there are some people who develop a fixation on these dolls. So what would happen if there were a mechanically animated mannequin in a miniskirt? Say, it could walk around and sit down like a human being. In this case, I suspect I would feel the same sort of desire triggered by a real woman. Since realistic female robots constructed using leading edge technology are already in the research and development stage, it seems plausible that eventually they will be produced and sold for general consumption. When this happens, I think many men will dress them in miniskirts. There is a sex scene involving a mechanical female doll in Fellini's Casanova. It is interesting to note that Casanova chooses a doll-like automaton as the final stop on his journey of erotic encounters. 20 Anime [a style of animation originating in Japan and often aimed at adults] and manga can of course arouse desire in similar ways. Anime can portray movement, and nearly all of the women who appear in Neon Genesis Evangelion, for example, wear microminiskirts. Among these short skirts, the micro-mini worn by the character named Misato Katsuragi is particularly striking. We must not overlook the fact that the women who appear in this animated masterpiece, a work that skillfully depicts the struggles deep in the hearts and minds of young people, all wear miniskirts. New generations of men form their sexuality through such animated series; as long as they have female characters like Misato Katsuragi, they can feel powerful desire even without a flesh and blood woman. When it comes to manga, motion must be introduced in order for the mechanism of the miniskirt to function. An example of how this has been successfully accomplished can be seen in Hiroki Yagami's G-Taste series (Kōdansha). Yagami is also particular about dressing all of his female characters in very short miniskirts. The extremely colorful women he depicts wear uniforms and "body conscious" outfits. He also draws women nude, but the nude body is not what he prefers to portray; his women are always covering their bodies with something. Yagami's aim is to perfectly depict the materials they use to cover themselves. In order to introduce a sense of motion in his manga artwork, he developed a technique of drawing countless tiny wrinkles in a miniskirt. He 21 imparts motion to a miniskirt by giving it many more wrinkles than would actually exist, and by doing so succeeds in expressing the dynamism between concealment and revelation. 6 As long as there's a miniskirt I don't need a flesh and blood woman Underwear is something that covers and hides female genitalia. Why am I turned on when a glimpse of this fabric that covers female genitals seems about to be revealed? This is a difficult question to answer, but one thing I can say is that it is not because I think I may be able to see the woman's genitals under her skirt. On the contrary, I am aroused knowing that even if the skirt flew all the way up, the woman's genitals would presumably be covered and hidden by her underwear. I feel a shudder of excitement to think that I cannot see them no matter how hard I try. I have also noticed that being on the edge of catching sight of a woman's underwear, without this revelation actually occurring, can give rise to religious feelings. This is because people have traditionally seen the form of "god" in sublime things they are able to glimpse briefly but cannot reach. Here we find the reason that the underwear beneath the miniskirt must be the sacred color "white." The sight of something wrapped in white cloth appearing and disappearing from view beneath the edge of the miniskirt is full of religious connotations. Men find miniskirts alluring because they have the 22 sense that something breathtakingly wonderful which transcends this world can be glimpsed beneath them in the shape of underwear. When this happens, the flesh and blood woman who wears the skirt, a woman with her own will and emotions, is nothing more than an obstacle to the men experiencing this sensation. The gaze of a man staring at a miniskirt is uncomfortable for a woman not because he views her as a miniskirtwearing slut or whore but because she is struck by the way his exclusive fixation on her skirt implies that as long as there is a miniskirt the woman wearing it is unnecessary. Those who possess this discomfiting gaze are "frigid men," and this contemporary pathology is also behind the emergence of other phenomena such as "lolicon" and the fetishizing of school uniforms. 23 Chapter 2 Men Who Avert Their Eyes from "Male Frigidity" Section 1 What is "Male Frigidity"? 1 My experience of pornography In what follows I will conduct a methodical search for the secrets of "lolicon" and "uniform" fetishes, but before beginning this inquiry in this chapter, I will consider men's sexual sensations. It may seem an overserious and slightly somber discussion, but I ask the reader to bear with me because I do not think it is possible to talk about male sexuality without addressing this subject. At a symposium held by the Japan Women's Studies Association in 2002. I gave a presentation on pornography and "frigidity" from a male perspective. As I was speaking before renowned feminists, I was quite nervous. I asked the audience to refrain from recording my presentation because I intended to speak at length about my own experiences. Instead of a recording, I published the content of my talk in the 24 journal Women's Studies Vol.10 (2003). In this chapter I have revised the content of this lecture and attempted to present it in a more accessible form. The theme of the symposium was "men and pornography." I decided to speak based on my own experience of pornography because there is great diversity within male sexuality and it is therefore impossible to say "this is how it is when it comes to men." At this point, all I can say is "this is how it is in my case." This is also why I have decided to write this book using the subject "I" (in what follows I write from a heterosexual perspective, but this is only because I myself am attracted to women. I do not in any way mean to disregard homosexuality). When it comes to pornography, I can state that what I prefer are the sorts of photographs and videos that are extremely common; what I want to look at is the sort of pornography that is normally sold. As a result, even if I am only speaking of my own experiences, what I have to say may presumably also apply to the majority of men who share my preferences. So under what sorts of circumstances do men look at pornography? Taking myself as an example, to begin with, there are times when for some reason I start to feel like viewing pornography. Regarding what happens when I view pornography, while there are times when looking is enough and I then go out for dinner or do something else, there are also times when I masturbate while viewing. Masturbation often ends in ejaculation. Of course, there are also times when I view pornography with the clear aim of ejaculating. 25 2 Afterwards there is a feeling of having been left alone Here let us consider the question of what men do with pornography after they have ejaculated. After they have masturbated and ejaculated, what do they do with the photographs or videos they have been viewing? Looking at my own case, there is only one answer. Once I have ejaculated, it is inconceivable that I would continue to look at the pornography I had been viewing. After ejaculation, I quickly close the magazine or book of photographs I have been looking at, or stop the video I have been watching. I want to get the pornography I have been viewing out of my sight as quickly as possible. After ejaculation, it is transformed into something I do not want to see again, at least not until some time has passed. I often have an urge to go outside and get some fresh air in order to change my mood. Why do I feel this way? In order to understand what is happening, we must first understand the "experience of alienation" (a sense of being expelled from a place of comfort and left completely alone). There is a myth that ejaculation is extremely pleasurable and allows men to experience supreme bliss. There are many people who think that ejaculation gives men a feeling of supreme ecstasy; women, in particular, may be likely to believe this. But there is a dangerous trap here. Based on my own experience, the idea that ejaculation produces a sensation of supreme bliss 26 seems preposterous. Ejaculation brings only the pleasure of expelling a liquid; the sensation might be described as "feeling refreshed now that everything has come out." Here I would like you to consider for yourself whether there are any men who are "moved to tears" by ejaculation, who find themselves "unable to stand," whose "mind goes completely blank," or who are so stricken with pleasure that they find themselves "unable to speak properly," and, if some men do indeed experience these states during sex, whether they are really caused by ejaculation. While there are of course differences between individuals, it seems that there are at least some women who experience the kind of extreme pleasure described above. I, however, have never experienced such pleasure during ejaculation. If I reflect on the moment of ejaculation, I note that I continue to be aware of my surroundings. Ejaculation is experienced as a twitching convulsion in my genitals, during which I remain able to support myself using my muscles and maintain a state of clear awareness of everything going on around me like a soldier holding a gun. After ejaculation my excitement rapidly dissipates. The sexual excitement I had been feeling disappears, leaving only a sense of indescribable emptiness. Immediately after ejaculation, a steady sense of balance and full mobility return. I am immediately able to get up and find my underwear or go to the toilet without any difficulty. I am not even given enough time to feel the "lingering aftertaste of sex" throughout my whole body because as soon as I ejaculate my feeling of 27 sexual pleasure is extinguished. If I am to be completely honest, then based on my own experience, I can only conclude that this is how my male body is made. 3 "Ejaculation is an act of excretion" It has already been pointed out many times that men do not feel all that much pleasure during ejaculation. Author Yang Sok-il, for example, has asserted that "ejaculation is an act of excretion." He writes, "Men's sexual desire is similar to a desire to urinate when one's bladder is full. It therefore follows that just as you feel relieved after urinating, after ejaculating a man's sexual desire is for the time being suppressed" (Men's Nature [Otoko no Saga], Gentōsha Autorō Bunko, 1999, p.86, p.180, originally published in 1992). Psychologist Wilhelm Reich writes that for men without the ability to feel [sexual pleasure] "the sexual act is nothing but an evacuation, followed by a reaction of disgust." (The Function of the Orgasm, Souvenir Press, 1973, p.164, originally published in 1948). Columnist Michael Ventura writes that "ejaculation is a muscle spasm that many men often feel with virtually no sensation but the twitch of a spasm" and "many ejaculations for many men happen without any sensation of coming." (Michael Ventura "Coming" in Keith Thompson (ed.), To Be a Man, Jeremy P. Tarcher, 1991, p.124). Jun'ichi Watanabe writes the following about the 28 feeling after ejaculation: "The instant a man ejaculates everything is over . . . in other words, if a man experiences strong pleasure while ejaculating, afterwards all that remains is a feeling of emptiness that can only be described as making one think of death" (The Nature of Men, p.152). Examining my own experience, I find that when I am sexually excited I think that ejaculation will transport me to a world of great pleasure, but after I actually ejaculate, this promise is always betrayed and I feel as though I have been left alone in the middle of a barren desert. In Life Studies Approaches to Bioethics (Seimeigaku ni Naniga Dekiruka?, Keisō Shobō, 2001). I refer to this experience of alienation as "male frigidity." There is indeed pleasure during sex and at the time of ejaculation, but it is in no way the sort of pleasure that "leaves my mind blank" or "fills me with profound happiness." When I ejaculate all I feel is the localized pleasure of convulsions and seminal fluid flowing out of my penis, and I am continually forced to acknowledge the fact that there is no "deep sense of emotional fulfillment " (pp. 278-279). This is how I experience ejaculation. Of course, there can be pleasure that causes me to forget myself, but it occurs before ejaculation – it is only something I experience on an emotional level during sex. 29 4 What lies at the core of "male frigidity" I use the term "male frigidity" to refer to two phenomena. One is ejaculation not being accompanied by any great feeling of pleasure; for "frigid" men, there is only the brief pleasure of excretion. The second is a rapid loss of excitement after ejaculation accompanied by a sensation of collapse throughout the entire body and a desolate feeling of emptiness. In my case the second problem is the more serious. I say this because while by prolonging the process before ejaculation I can experience sexual excitement for quite a long time and by using special techniques I have been able to slightly increase the pleasure I feel when ejaculating, no amount of effort has allowed me to reduce the sudden loss of arousal and feeling of emptiness that immediately follows ejaculation. Watanabe's phrase "a feeling of emptiness that makes one think of death" is apt. Ejaculation always resulting in this feeling of despair is what lies at the core of "male frigidity." I do not know what percentage of men suffer from "male frigidity." All I can be certain of is that I do. I refer to this condition as "male frigidity" because I am sure that if I were a woman and told a doctor of my symptoms, I would be diagnosed with "female sexual arousal disorder," i.e., "frigidity." So what is ejaculation like for men who do not suffer from male frigidity? If ejaculation is more than a "pleasurable excretion," and if following ejaculation a man's entire body is filled with a feeling of blissful fulfillment that lingers for a considerable period of time, 30 and if he never experiences a feeling of emptiness, then I would say he is not "frigid." But this is not how ejaculation is for me. 5 A repeating cycle of a feeling of potency => pleasure => a feeling of failure The following can be said regarding the relationship between "erection" and "ejaculation." To begin with, when I have an "erection" my entire body is suffused with a sense of potency. I am filled with an urge to insert my penis into a woman's body. At this time I feel almost no sense of self-negation or selfrejection. There may even be a sense of triumphant pride in being a man. But my "erection" is ended by "ejaculation." There is then the momentary pleasure of excretion followed by an inescapable feeling of emptiness. In other words, the process leading from "erection" to "ejaculation" begins with an "I'm good enough" sense of potency, passes through a brief feeling of pleasure during ejaculation, and then abruptly inverts itself and plunges into feelings of collapse, emptiness and failure. This precipitous fall awaits me whenever I engage in sex or masturbation. After ejaculating, I feel a desire to turn away from anything related to sex for a while, but as time passes, my sexual appetite begins to return and I begin the cycle once again. Repeating this feeling of descent into despondency over and over again throughout one's life is the defining symptom of "male frigidity." Of course, there are times when I feel 31 wholeheartedly that having had sex was a good thing. But this is an emotional sense of satisfaction or happiness that I was able to have sex with a woman I love. It is in no way a feeling of bliss brought on by ejaculation. As it is unpleasant to look directly at this feeling of collapse, I tend to focus instead on the activities that lead up to ejaculation. Men depicted in pornographic videos slip out of the frame as soon as they have ejaculated, or in some cases, the video itself ends. Pornography cannot succeed unless it banishes what happens after ejaculation from our thoughts. When I have sex with a woman I love, my feelings of affection for her can emotionally compensate for the feeling of emptiness that follows ejaculation. In such cases, I am left with the sense that the sex was good. But this is only because I have been able to use my emotions to divert my consciousness from the physical sensation of collapse. I have this feeling of falling inward even when the sex itself has been emotionally satisfying. 6 Men who avert their eyes from "male frigidity" In psychiatry, the term "male orgasmic disorder" (DSM-IV:302.74) is used to describe a condition in which a man cannot ejaculate or requires an inordinate amount of time to ejaculate when having sex normally, but the "male frigidity" I am describing does not fall within this definition. When it comes to men's sexual health, attention is 32 given to three major problems: erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation. The focus is on whether or not a man can get an erection and whether or not he can ejaculate with desirable timing. In comparison, the question of whether or not he feels pleasure while ejaculating is seen as a minor issue. Evidence for this can be seen in the fact that one of the standard textbooks in the field of sex therapy, Helen Singer Kaplan's The New Sex Therapy (1974), restricts male sexual difficulties to these three conditions. "Male frigidity" is not mentioned. In the clinical world, the biggest problem for men is thought to be erectile dysfunction while the biggest problem for women is thought to be female sexual arousal disorder or "frigidity." I believe that "male frigidity" is just as big an issue as "female frigidity," but very few experts share this view. In the Japanese Encyclopedia of Psychotherapy [Shinririnshōdaijiten revised ed. Baifūkan, 2004], for example, the entry for "frigidity" reads as follows: "Frigidity is a female sexual disorder characterized by an absence or extreme weakness of sexual feeling and inability to achieve orgasm." This is followed by a more detailed description of this disorder, but nothing is said about it occurring in men. In most cases, the term "frigidity" is used synonymously with "female frigidity" and is employed to describe an illness for which treatment is required. 33 *Note on my use of "male frigidity" While this term has been used by others, it has in most cases referred to "male orgasmic disorder." Kaplan addresses "partial ejaculatory incompetence" but this is not the condition I refer to as "male frigidity." It seems that other terms such as "orgasmic dysfunction" and "anorgasmia" are now often used instead of "frigidity" (see William H. Masters et al., Human Sexuality 5th ed. Harper Collins, 1995, p.586). In my book, however, I use the term "male frigidity" idiosyncratically to describe something quite different from what is referred to by the terms discussed above. There is some kind of mechanism at work here. While the idea that "ejaculation is more or less just like urinating" is talked about quietly here and there, social strictures seem to have been engineered such that we must never say things like "if ejaculation is no more pleasurable than peeing, is this not a sign of frigidity?" in front of other people. To assert this publicly is akin to saying "the emperor has no clothes"; such a thing is out of the question in a society in which men are placed in a position of superiority. To get a proper erection in front of a woman and to give her sexual pleasure: these are the trials a man must pass. Things are arranged so that men are made to feel self-respect and self-affirmation by being able to do these things well. No matter how empty a man feels 34 after ejaculation, his mind is so occupied with whether he performed well as a man and whether he gave the woman pleasure during sex that he is incapable of delving deeply into subjects like "male frigidity." In this way, the problem of "male frigidity" is banished from a man's consciousness before he is aware of it. Furthermore, the phrase "male frigidity" indicates that regarding sexual pleasure it is men and not women who are to be the object of treatment. Even if becoming the object of treatment is not necessarily implied, this phrase indicates at very least that it is in a man's sexual pleasure that the fundamental problem lies. For a male dominated society, this is an uncomfortable way of thinking. Such a society will presumably ignore "male frigidity" as much as possible. Returning to what I said earlier, I think that deep within the minds of "frigid men" there is a "feeling of defeat." They "feel defeated" because no matter what they do, they can never experience the kind of pleasure felt by women. In one of her books, Chikako Ogura correctly asserts that men experience feelings of awe and fright in the face of women whose sexual response is full and powerful, think that "women's sexual pleasure is several times stronger than men's – men are just tools," and as a result harbor unease and anxiety (Myths about Sex Dismantled [Sekkusu Shinwa Kaitai Shinsho], Chikuma Bunko, 1995, pp.70-71, originally published in 1988). In men's minds there is the fantasy that "women feel extraordinary pleasure during sex." This idea arises because in films and pornographic videos women are 35 depicted having multiple orgasms and experiencing intense pleasure. Men will presumably compare their own ejaculation to what women are shown to be experiencing in these scenes. Various surveys have shown, however, that quite a large number of women do not experience a clear orgasm during sex. (According to a report published by Shere Hite, only 26% of women are always able to reach orgasm during sex. Orgasm itself also differs among individuals). Nevertheless, women in pornographic videos are always writhing in pleasure. As long as men continue to watch these sorts of videos, this fantasy regarding female pleasure will never be removed from the back of their minds. Sex between "frigid" men and women might thus be an activity in which each thinks "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" without ever saying so. 7 Men's rules for talking about sex I suspect that quite a large number of men are vaguely aware that their bodies are "frigid." You can easily come to this conclusion by listening to how men talk about sex. The rules for discussing their sexual experiences hold that while they may talk proudly about how hot the girl was at the "soapland" [a kind of brothel] they visited yesterday, for example, and how tight she was, they will say almost nothing about how heavenly it felt when they ejaculated. While they talk in detail about how a woman's body responded, they do not speak about their own wonderful experiences of 36 ejaculation. The same can more or less be said of the "fūzoku" [sex trade] reports found in men's magazines and tabloids. Their authors hold forth at great length on the details of a sex worker's body and sexual technique with a grandiloquence that suggests they have something to hide. Almost nothing is said about the actual sensations that the man who is telling the story experienced during ejaculation. There is much talk of "so and so is great in bed" and "her such and such technique is amazing," but these sorts of phrases begin to sound like invocations meant to ward off an evil spirit. The evil spirit that must be kept at bay here is "male frigidity." Kazunori Taniguchi writes the following about how he felt after paying for sex: "I was hurting myself. Ejaculation was nothing more than an excretion . . . . I was nauseated by my own existence" (Men Who Buy Sex [Sei wo Kau Otoko], Pandora, 1997, p.25). This is a truly frank confession. I do not have any personal experience of paying for intercourse or other sexual services, but I can easily imagine what Taniguchi is trying to express. I understand "male frigidity" very well because it is something I have experienced myself. There are probably many men who, having read this far, would say that they themselves are not "frigid." Of course, I do not believe that every man is "frigid." What I want to suggest is that until now there has been far too little discussion of "male frigidity." Some may object to what I have been saying on the grounds that men's and women's bodies are put together differently and as such it is strange to compare 37 them in a straightforward manner; it is silly to say that men are frigid because they do not experience pleasure the way women do. This may be the case, but my sense of emptiness after ejaculation and feeling of "coming down" as my excitement rapidly dissipates cause real suffering. Since the man in question himself complains of mental or physical suffering, should what he is experiencing not indeed be seen as a "medical condition" in a wide sense of the term? (To say that it is a medical condition, however, does not necessarily imply that it should be treated – I will return to this issue in Chapter 5). I think it would be interesting to see what would happen if men talked frankly and shared their thoughts on how they feel during and after ejaculation and how these feelings affect their sexuality. The scales would presumably fall from their eyes and they would come to understand the diversity of male sexuality. In any case, I set out to write this book based on my own experiences. Even when I do speak about men in general, I have tried to avoid saying "this is how men are" whenever possible. It has been my intention to write with the utmost respect for men whose sexual sensitivity differs from mine. 8 Kinsey was aware of "male frigidity" There is an academic field, "sexology," in which scientific research into male and female sexuality is conducted. So how have men's sensations during sex been viewed within this field up until now? Here, 38 things may get a bit technical, but as this is a very important point, I think close consideration is warranted. Alfred Kinsey published Sexual Behavior of the Human Male in 1948 after conducting a statistical survey. This remains the largest study on sex ever conducted. Kinsey used the technical term "orgasm" to describe the climax of sexual arousal. Orgasm involves sexual excitement reaching its peak, muscular convulsions, and a rapid decline in arousal. And since in the case of males this sexual response occurs at the time of ejaculation, Kinsey held that "ejaculation = orgasm." Kinsey did note that the physical orgasm and the pleasure caused by an orgasm should not be equated. He also stated that there are different levels of sexual satisfaction, including cases in which ejaculation brings almost no pleasure. Kinsey was aware of one aspect of "male frigidity." What is surprising is that immediately following his acknowledgment of this phenomenon Kinsey writes as follows: But we have no statistics on the frequencies of physiologic differences, or of the various degrees of satisfaction, and, in the present study, all cases of ejaculation have been taken as evidence of orgasm, without regard to the different levels at which the orgasms have occurred. (Alfred C. Kinsey et al., Sexual behavior in the Human Male, 1948, pp.159160.) 39 With this declaration, Kinsey, the father of modern sexology, established the "ejaculation"="orgasm"= "sexual climax" formula. The problem of "male frigidity," that is to say, the possibility that the whole process of ejaculation may not be all that pleasurable, then disappeared from the central discussion in the field of sexology. This initial misstep has had farreaching implications. 9 Influence of the "ejaculation = orgasm" formula William Masters and Virginia Johnson conducted scientific observations of men and women actually having sex and published their findings in a book entitled Human Sexual Response in 1966. This text has come to be viewed as the "bible" of sexology. In Chapter Fourteen the authors discuss the psychological state of men during ejaculation, but what is addressed is the sensation experienced when seminal fluid is expelled and the relationship between intensity of pleasure and volume of ejaculate. No mention is made of a feeling of emptiness following ejaculation. (William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, Human Sexual Response. Little Brown and Company, 1966, pp.214217). In 1981, Shere Hite administered a detailed survey on male sexuality to more than seven thousand American men and published the results in The Hite Report on Male Sexuality (Knopf, 1981). This is the most detailed set of self-reported data on male 40 sexuality currently available. Hite, however, employed Kinsey's formula without alteration, and asked men about their experiences with the assumption that "ejaculation = orgasm." As a result of this mistake, she failed to elicit men's thoughts on "male frigidity." Not only does her study come up short in this regard, but it also concludes without obtaining clear answers concerning what exactly men feel during orgasm and how these sensations differ from what is experienced by women. So what about the field of sex therapy? The magnitude of Kinsey's influence can also be seen in Helen Singer Kaplan's The New Sex Therapy (Brunner/Mazel, 1974). A later text published in 1992, Bernie Zilbergeld's The New Male Sexuality, contains the following passage: Although many people use ejaculation and orgasm synonymously, I find it useful to draw a distinction between them. Ejaculation is the physical part, the propulsion of seminal fluid. Orgasm is the peak feeling in sex. (Bernie Zilbergeld, The New Male Sexuality, Bantam Books, 1992, p.95). Zilbergeld thus corrects Kinsey's thesis, reaffirming that there are some men who do not experience much pleasure during ejaculation. Regarding what men feel after ejaculating, however, he writes only that they "experience lassitude and deep relaxation" (p.96). This 41 is the only mention of how men feel after ejaculation in this five hundred and eighty page explication of male sexuality. The paucity of discussion of this topic is singular. "Male frigidity" remains completely unexplored. Section 2 Analyzing the "Sensation of Something Piling Up" 10 Where does the feeling that "something is piling up" come from? Men describe ejaculation as "release [nuku]." I do not know who first came up with this expression but I think it is very apt. Using the image of the air being energetically "released" from a tautly inflated balloon to describe ejaculation is not far off the mark. Here we should note that "release" requires something to have been "pent up" to begin with. Feeling that "I really want to ejaculate" is close to the sensation of needing to "release" something that is building up within one's body. So what exactly is it that is "pent up" inside us? The normal response would be that it is sperm or seminal fluid that is piling up: if nothing is done, these fluids build up inside us, so we must expel them from our bodies on a regular basis. Tai Hikosaka expresses this as follows: "You have to release materials that pile up inside you. If you hold them in 42 too long, they become poisonous for your body. Let them come spurting out! Unlike women, men cannot endure abstinence. This should be obvious, since our bodies are constructed differently." (Myths of Masculinity [Dansei shinwa], Komichi Shobō, 1991, p. 157). But from a scientific point of view, it is incorrect to say that sperm "piles up" if it is not released; unused sperm are naturally broken down and absorbed by the body. But this does not explain the feeling, the irritating sensation, that something is piling up. I think this "piling up" sensation has both physiological and mental causes. As a physiological cause, it is speculated that there are changes in the levels of sex hormones and other physiological materials in the blood. I am told that heavy smokers have unbearable urges to smoke when the level of nicotine in their blood drops. Materials carried in our blood can affect our thoughts and feelings. When it comes to sexual desire, the involvement of androgen is suspected. Stimulation caused by seminal fluid within the prostate might also be involved. So what about mental causes? Let me reflect on what happens in my own case. In what sort of circumstances do I get the urge to masturbate? To begin with, I often get this urge after being stimulated by an erotic movie or manga. This is an extremely straightforward reaction. But this is not all. 43 11 A sense of "unease" and a feeling of "wanting to harm" Upon careful reflection, it seems that I sometimes masturbate when I have a sense of "unease" or "anxiety." I think erotic thoughts and masturbate when, for any number of reasons, I feel a sense of unease that will not go away even if I listen to my favorite music or eat delicious food. I also do this when I feel like there is "no way out" of problems I am facing at work or in my personal life. It may be that I masturbate when there is a problem I need to deal with but I feel crushed by my inability to do anything about it and the feeling of powerlessness this creates. In such situations I want to take my mind off the problem in front of me. Using the sexual organs easily at hand to accomplish this seems reasonable. Another situation that comes to mind is when I have a feeling of "wanting to harm." When I am on edge and feel a desire to abuse or hurt someone, I feel like this gets bound up with sexual desire. Upon reflection, however, I note that whenever I masturbate because I am anxious or feel that there is "no way out," or because I have an "urge to harm," all this leads to is the feeling of desolate emptiness that follows ejaculation, an inevitably depressing outcome. This is "male frigidity" at its worst. 12 Why "release"? Thinking about it in this way, in my own case at 44 least, it is not as though I masturbate because I like it so much I cannot resist. I don't particularly want to do it, but since things have "piled up," they "must be released." I masturbate and "release" this pressure because if I do not do something about what piles up inside me, I become frustrated and irritable, lose my ability to concentrate, have the urge to break things, and cannot contain myself. Of course, there are also times when I masturbate because I want to feel the excitement and elation of having an erection, but even in such cases there is indeed a feeling within me that I am doing it out of necessity. When I say this, it may seem as though I am claiming that "male sexuality is determined from birth." Feminists have warned against the view, which they call "essentialism," that "the feelings and behavior that accompany sexuality are determined biologically from birth," because it inevitably leads to a defiant posture of "men are born this way so there is nothing we can do about it." This is a very important point regarding everything discussed in this book, so I want to explain my thoughts on it quite clearly. I think male sexuality includes both elements determined biologically from birth and elements learned later in life. When it comes to the feeling of emptiness after ejaculation, I think innate, biologically determined elements play a very large role. The actual sexual behavior of men, on the other hand, seems to be largely influenced by what the individual learns growing up (this is indicated by research on feral children). 45 It may be impossible to cure "male frigidity," but the sexual behavior of men can and must be changed. This is what I want to express throughout this book. When I write about "lolicon" and pornography, I do not see these as rooted deeply in the minds and bodies of men and thus impossible to change. I think it should be possible for men to shift their sexual behavior in a different direction by carefully analyzing what has been etched into their own minds and bodies. Section 3 What is Pornography to Men? 13 When watching pornography makes a man "want to do it" Next I would like to take a look at how "male frigidity" affects the way men enjoy pornography. Even without watching pornography, it is possible for men to masturbate just by imagining erotic scenes on our own. There are times, however, when we want to do it while watching pornography. In what sort of circumstances does this urge arise? To begin with, when a man cannot be with the woman he is seeing, he sometimes satisfies himself by projecting her image onto the women who appear in pornography. There are also cases when a man is not in any sort of sexual relationship and must instead make do by having virtual sex with adult video actresses. 46 In other cases, men view pornography, even though they are married or have a partner, often doing so on the sly without their wife or partner knowing. They do this in order to satisfy their desire to have sex with a different type of woman than the one they are with. They may also look at women in pornography in order to fantasize about having sex with the kind of young, beautiful women they do not normally encounter. These are uses of pornography that any man can understand. There are also other, hidden motivations behind male masturbation using pornography. Let us look at a few of them. First, it can satisfy an "urge to hurt women." In the previous section, I mentioned a desire to "hurt someone" as one reason to masturbate. Pornography can also be used as a means of satisfying this desire to abuse or hurt someone. In pornography, women are fundamentally portrayed as slaves to men's sexual desire. They must do whatever men tell them, and even if they temporarily resist, they are eventually made to obey men through violence or sexual technique. A great deal of pornography has been produced in which a man forces a woman who resists him to do his bidding. While making the woman do as he says, in the end he forces her to experience sexual pleasure, and, saying things like "this is what you wanted all along," shifts all blame in her direction. In this way men escape any feelings of guilt. They can even delude themselves into thinking that the woman has unconditionally 47 surrendered because of their power as men. Feminists have pointed out that misogyny and a desire to subjugate women lie at the root of this kind of pornography. I think this is correct. So where do these feelings come from? 14 The misogyny of "frigid men" "Male frigidity" is, I suspect, one of the causes of this hatred of women. I say this because every time he ejaculates, a "frigid man" is confronted by the awareness of his own lack of ecstatic pleasure, and if he compares himself to a woman, he may start to wonder why only women can feel such ecstasy. An anger that women are allowed to feel such profound pleasure when men can only feel a relief similar to that of urination may begin to arise within him. He cannot abide the existence of "women who feel pleasure." In this way, "men who can't feel pleasure" begin to carry a resentment of women deep within themselves. This gives rise to feelings of "misogyny." When it comes to "misogyny," many possible causes have already been suggested, including resentment of mothers who dominated the man in question when he was an infant and of women in society who are more successful than he is, and to these I would like to add "male frigidity" as another reason men may come to resent women. Men in the grip of this "misogyny" want to get some kind of revenge against "women who feel pleasure." This is also one reason they watch pornography. By 48 watching pornography in which a man dominates a reluctant woman, forces her to do whatever he wants, and gains control over her sexual pleasure, a man can enjoy an illusion of superiority. Men seek to dominate women to exact revenge for the pleasure only women can feel. A similar psychological mechanism can be seen in rapists. Rape is an act in which violence against women takes a sexual form. It has been said that in some cases rape is committed in order to take revenge on women, and I think one motivation for this may be a desire to exact retribution on "women who feel pleasure." And this retribution is directed towards the organ that provides this pleasure, the female genitals. When a high school girl was killed and buried in concrete in Tokyo in 1988–89, it was discovered that the men who raped her, in addition to brutally punching and kicking her, inflicted multiple acts of unimaginable violence on her genitals. In cases of rape and murder during war, too, there have been many reports of this kind of violence, including objects being shoved into the genitals of the women who have been killed. Rather than "hatred of women," in these cases is it not perhaps more accurate to speak of "hatred of the organ that gives women pleasure"? This is retribution against the organ that allows women to feel pleasure. I firmly believe there is a deep connection between violence directed towards female genitals and "male frigidity." This is how deeply rooted a phenomenon "male frigidity" can be. (There are many texts that address battlefield rape, including Susan Brownmiller's 49 Against Our Will: Men, Women and Rape, Simon and Schuster, 1975, and Tai Hikosaka's Myths of Masculinity [Dansei Shinwa], Komichi Shobō, 1991. Satoshi Sugita's The Politics of Rape [Reipu no Seijigaku], Akashi Shoten, 2003, is essential reading on men who commit rape). 15 Watching pornography as an act of "self-harm" A second motivation for masturbation using pornography is that it satisfies a desire to "harm oneself." This can be dubbed "pornography as selfharm." It is possible to steal a moment of pleasure and relief by hurting oneself. Many times while watching pornography I have thought to myself, "Perhaps I am taking pleasure in harming myself by watching this." The type of scene that gives rise to these sorts of thoughts is one in which a woman who at first resists is aggressively pursued and ends up writhing in pleasure. This is perhaps the most common scenario found in pornographic videos, but as I watch it unfold, I am beset by a feeling of masochistic pleasure as if I were somehow hurting myself repeatedly and mercilessly. A careful analysis shows that this masochistic pleasure comes in two forms. One is the pleasure of watching something you cherish being smashed into pieces. This is a psychological mechanism I suspect readers will find easy to understand. Take, for example, a beautiful girl in a high school uniform. Even though we want to keep 50 her just as she is, pretty and innocent, in pornography there are often scenes in which such girls have their uniforms torn off and are mercilessly raped. When I watch such scenes, I feel the masochistic pleasure and excitement of seeing the girl in a uniform I wanted so badly to protect being brutally destroyed. In order for this pleasure to be maximized, the girl should be depicted as being exquisitely delicate and beautiful at the start. Once viewers have been made to empathize with a vulnerable and beautiful girl, they will then feel a much stronger sense of masochism when she is brutally raped. The use of scenes like those normally found in "idol videos" [non-pornographic videos featuring teen "idols"] at the beginning of pornographic videos is presumably an attempt to achieve this effect: "To think that such an innocent girl could end up like this!" This is often described as the pleasure of defiling what is sacred; Georges Bataille, for example, goes as far as to assert that "taboos exist only to be broken" (Georges Bataille, Eroticism, Japanese translation, Chikuma Gakugei Bunko, 2004, p.103. Originally published in 1957). 16 Men who wallow in the masochistic pleasure of watching "women who can experience ecstasy" The second form of masochistic pleasure is completely different. When I watch pornography that follows the "golden pattern" in which a woman resists at first but ends up writhing in ecstasy, I feel an unmistakably masochistic pleasure at the sight of a 51 woman experiencing such bliss. This is something that is not normally remarked upon so I would like to examine it in some detail. With this idea in mind, reflecting on the pornography I have seen I am struck by the fact that there are many scenes in which the man relentlessly asks the woman who is being raped, "This actually makes you feel good, doesn't it?" He will not stop asking her this until she admits to feeling pleasure; it is like a kind of ritual. This ritual can of course be interpreted as a way of confirming that the man "controls" the pleasure of the woman. I think this is indeed correct. The man may also feel pleasure by projecting himself onto the woman who is experiencing ecstasy. There seem to be some men who manipulate their own awareness in this way. In addition, however, we must also take note of another hidden psychological mechanism that underlies this ritual. This can best be described as the man watching the woman's ecstasy and needling himself over and over again with the thought that he himself cannot feel this kind of pleasure, or in other words, with the thought that he is a "frigid man." Since for a man to force an unwilling woman to feel pleasure means facing the fact that he himself cannot do so, the effect is therefore that of a man tormenting himself. So why do "frigid men" nevertheless pay money for pornography? There is only one answer: because they want to experience the masochistic pleasure of torturing themselves. I think this kind of psychological mechanism lies deep within 52 the minds of "frigid men," even if they are not aware of it. This is a form of self-harm: "I want to see a woman feel more and more pleasure, and I want to hurt my frigid self more and more by watching her." By watching pornography, a man burns the image of a woman feeling pleasure into the back of his mind, and in doing so goes on hurting himself by driving home again and again the fact that he is a "loser" who cannot feel this kind of ecstasy himself. When a deep psychological wound has been suffered, further injuring oneself in the same spot can bring intense pleasure. Women who have unwillingly accepted violent treatment at the hands of their husbands sometimes confess this kind of masochistic pleasure, and it is true that there is a pleasurable melting sensation that can be felt by wallowing in selfpity. Women who engage in "cutting" (making small cuts on their wrists) experience a sense of relief when they cut themselves. Once someone has experienced the pleasure of masochistic acts or self-harm, it is a very difficult practice from which to escape. It is my hypothesis that this kind of mechanism is also present in pornography. In nearly all pornographic videos, it is arranged so that in the end the woman feels pleasure. The more pleasure the woman feels the more masochistic pleasure the men watching her enjoy. This hypothesis that there is "enjoyment of pornography as a form of self-harm" does not seem likely to find immediate acceptance. But this is the significance of pornography when viewed from the perspective of 53 "male frigidity." 17 What is the idea at the root of pornography? Thinking about pornography in this way, its essential elements seem to be "a woman being harmed" and "a man harming himself by watching." It is because of this essential idea of "causing harm to human beings" that pornography has not developed as a healthy form of popular entertainment. Pornography is rooted in the darker side of the human psyche, the desire to feel pleasure by causing harm. The desire to cause someone harm is an evil that lies, to a greater or lesser extent, within everyone, man and woman alike. Pornography is a flower that grows out of this malevolent soil. When I presented this idea at a symposium, one of the female participants commented that if pornography has established a foothold at such a deep level of the male psyche, it will be extremely difficult to get rid of it. I think this is indeed the case. But there will presumably also be those who argue that pornography is not such a dark or evil thing. They will say that there are also pornographic videos in which people happily enjoy mutually pleasant sex and erotic novels and movies that couples can enjoy together. These forms of entertainment are sometimes also referred to as "erotica." (Examples of this genre include Michele Slung (ed.), Fever: Sensual Stories by Women Writers, HarperCollins, 1994, and Lonnie Barbach (ed.), Pleasures: Women Write Erotica, Doubleday, 1984). 54 If we look at the vast amount of adult magazines, videos, and Internet sites, however, we cannot help but conclude that a large majority of such materials treat women as toys of men's sexuality and are created to satisfy the selfish desires and fantasies of men. I became keenly aware of this as I conducted research in the course of writing this book. Susan Brownmiller writes that "like rape, [pornography] is a male invention, designed to dehumanize women, to reduce the female to an object of sexual access" (Against Our Will: Men, Women and Rape, p.392), and I think this is indeed accurate. Within the mountains of pornographic materials that have been produced, those that depict men and women having mutually pleasurable, equitable sex are no more than a handful, and it is impossible to form an accurate image of the whole by putting just this tiny segment under a microscope. Before proceeding any further, there is something that must be noted: the level of coercion, reluctant participation, pregnancy, and STD infection in the places where these photos and videos are actually produced has been estimated to be much higher than we normally assume. Presumably this kind of harm is not easily brought into the open because society is largely indifferent to the welfare of women who appear in pornography. There is also a good chance that these productions are funded by organized crime, and there are deep connections to prostitution. Before talking about whether pornography should be regulated, we need a system to protect women working in this 55 industry from coercion and mistreatment. Presumably most men who watch pornography do not want these women to actually have their human rights violated. To begin with, we need some means of ensuring such violations do not occur. We must then think about what is to be done within our society about the desire to watch depictions of people being sexually tormented, molested, harmed or made to cry. These desires can be found in women as well as in men. It is something that needs to be addressed by both sexes. In this chapter, my priority has been the elucidation of "male frigidity," and I have not attempted to address whether pornography itself is good or bad. As some readers may be left with the impression that I have no problem with the content of pornography as it currently exists, I would like to state explicitly that this is not the case. It is true that I myself have used pornography, but this is in no way something I can endorse. I think the circumstances surrounding pornography must be changed. I hope to eventually consider this issue in greater detail. "Male frigidity" is not simply an "orgasm disorder" of the genitals of the sort addressed within the fields of psychiatry and sex therapy. The scope of this condition extends far beyond the physical genitals themselves, shaping how men think and behave regarding sex, influencing their relationships with women, and deeply affecting their relationships with other people in general. As I have stated, "frigid" men seek revenge against women who are capable of feeling pleasure and attempt 56 to attain a position of superiority over them. But this is not all. "Frigid men" reject their own bodies to such a great extent that in some cases they even try to escape from them. In the following chapters I will carefully examine some of the secrets of these men that have until now avoided direct scrutiny. 57 Chapter 3 Why am I Attracted to School Uniforms? Section 1 The "Psychological Structure" of Men Who Are Attracted to School Uniforms 1 Girls' school uniforms In April of 2004, Kazuhide Uekusa, a well-known economist, was arrested for allegedly (he maintains his innocence) being caught in the act of using a mirror to look up the skirt of a first-year public high school student. During his trial at the Tokyo district court, it was revealed that he possessed many photographs and videos of women in school uniforms. Uekusa was fortythree years old at the time of his arrest and thus belongs to my generation. I have attended conferences with him and cannot view this incident as involving someone totally outside my circle. There are thought to be many men who, regardless of their own age, are attracted to girls' junior high and high school uniforms. A "school uniform" genre of pornography has been established, and there are presumably a very large number of men who 58 masturbate while looking at photographs or videos of girls in their school uniforms. Even looking at the flyers for sexual services deposited in my mailbox, I have noticed some that offer to send an adult prostitute in a school uniform to your home. An editor once whispered to me in the back of a taxi, "Why are school uniforms so sexy?," and this comment has remained lodged in my mind ever since. Flight attendants and "office ladies" [a Japanese term for women who perform clerical and administrative tasks in an office setting, sometimes abbreviated as "OL"] also wear uniforms, but the iconic "girl in a uniform" is the female school student. This is evinced by the fact that if you do a multi-term search [in Japanese] for "uniform" and "photograph" on the Internet, ninety percent of the results returned will be for sites featuring images of girls' school uniforms. In order to further investigate the mysteries of the "frigid man," in this chapter I will delve as deeply as possible into the question of why men are attracted to girls' school uniforms. I myself understand the feelings of men who are attracted to school uniforms. I do not commit these sorts of crimes or collect uniforms, but I have no trouble understanding the psychological mechanisms at work in men who find uniforms alluring. I would like to put these mechanisms under a microscope and examine them very closely. I suspect a startling "psychological structure" will emerge as a result. 59 2 The refreshing and thrilling properties of girls in school uniforms One day while I was investigating the question of where the appeal of school uniforms lies, I visited Matsumoto City to attend a symposium. I had some free time, so I took a walk near the train station and discovered a building with a high school uniform hanging in a display window. This uniform was comprised of a white shirt with a red ribbon attached to the collar, a blue vest, and a pleated plaid skirt. I stood in front of the window looking at the display. As I did so, a sensation of refreshing coolness filled my body, as though a crisp breeze had blown through my chest, along with the shiver-inducing thrill of looking at something shameful. I wondered what exactly was causing these sensations. After looking at the display, I continued walking to a café in the train station, and on the way there, I passed many girls in school uniforms. But these somehow grownup-looking girls, or in other words real, living and breathing girls in their school uniforms, gave me almost none of the refreshing, thrilling sensations I had felt moments before. They were flesh-and-blood girls with physical bodies, and I could not feel in them any trace of the aura created by the uniform in the display window. When my work was done and I returned home, I found that collections of photographs of girls in school uniforms I had ordered to aid in the writing of this book had arrived. I opened them and right away began 60 to look through them. They were full of images that brought on the same feelings of refreshing coolness and excitement I had felt when looking at the display. The girls smiling out at the viewer were flawlessly pretty. The girls in these collections of photographs were much better-looking than normal high school and junior high school students. In other words, in order for a girl in a school uniform to be thrilling and refreshing, she must be good-looking, with a pretty face. In the real world, one almost never encounters such girls. But if I did come upon such a beautiful girl among the students in uniforms walking down the street, I might feel in her the appeal of the school uniform. The allure of a school uniform is completely dependent on the face of the girl wearing it. 3 The way in which I am drawn to school uniforms Fixation on uniforms has, it should be noted, been thought of as a form of "fetishism." "Fetishism" involves being sexually aroused by clothing or shoes worn by the opposite sex. The classic image of fetishism is probably that of a man who develops a bizarre attachment to women's high heels, collects them, and masturbates while touching them. I suspect that uniform fetishism is often understood in the same way. But the way in which I am attracted to school uniforms is quite different. If a large number of uniforms were lined up in front of me, for example, I would not be aroused by these articles of clothing themselves. My attraction to uniforms is limited to cases in which they 61 are able to evoke the image of a girl wearing them. Let me return to what happened when I saw the uniform on display in Matsumoto City. I experienced a thrill and sensation of refreshing coolness while looking at the uniform. At the time I was looking past the uniform itself at the image of a "virtual schoolgirl" with perfect looks wearing it. Of course, I did not form a concrete picture of this girl's appearance and personality. But it is true that I did see a kind of hallucinatory vision of this "virtual schoolgirl" somewhere beyond the uniform on display. In other words, simply having a uniform placed before my eyes is not enough. Beyond the uniform itself I must be able to see the hallucinatory vision of a "virtual schoolgirl" wearing it. When this hallucinatory vision is created, the uniform ceases to be just a piece of fabric and begins to have a life of its own. So what sorts of sexual urges arise within me when I get this kind of thrill and feeling of refreshment from looking at a school uniform? I suspect it may be an urge to ejaculate on it. There may well be, somewhere inside me, an urge to splatter semen on the uniform and watch it soak into the material. This is not a desire to ejaculate on the skin of the girl in the uniform; what I want my semen to soak into is the cloth of a uniform being worn by a girl. To be more precise, what I want to ejaculate on is not simply the cloth itself but the whole situation of "a girl wearing a school uniform." The desired result of this is for the semen to land on the fabric of the uniform. This sense of unattainment in not having the semen reach the skin of the girl is very 62 important (this physical sensation can perhaps be seen as having been raised to the level of art in the form of the "bachelors" in Marcel Duchamp's The Bride Stripped Bare by Her Bachelors, Even [The Large Glass]). 4 A uniform, a pretty face, and white panties The most important elements of the "girl in a school uniform" are the uniform, her face, and white panties. It goes without saying that the uniform is important. Regarding her face, it is indeed essential for the girl in the uniform to be pretty, and she must also be smiling or wearing an expression of artless innocence. In collections of photographs of girls in school uniforms there are very few pictures showing only the body of the girl from the neck down. When men masturbate while looking at pictures of a girl in a school uniform, what part of her body are they looking at? I suspect that when most men ejaculate they are looking at the girl's face. That is how important it is. The white panties serve to connect the school uniform to the pretty face. The question of whether or not panties can be seen is the front line in a war between the creator of the collection of photographs and the reader, and the instant the reader catches a glimpse of white panties underneath a girl's skirt as he flips through the pages he experiences a moment of catharsis and a feeling of satisfaction at having obtained the book or magazine. In chapter one, I mentioned that the panties 63 beneath a girl's miniskirt must be white, and this is also an iron rule of collections of photographs of girls in uniforms. In two magazines featuring photographs of girls in school uniforms, Kuriimushashinshū 2 (Wairea, 1995) and Kuriimushashinshū 5 (1998), there are a total of fourteen photographs in which panties are visible, and in every case they are white. The same trend can be seen in other books and magazines. The "white panties rule" can indeed be described as inviolable. There is a photograph in which the girl's panties are visible on page 103 of Kuriimushashinshū 2, and the accompanying captions read as follows: "Tomomi looked great in her sailor-style school uniform, didn't she? It was great when she bent over and we could see her panties." "Catching a glimpse of her panties is very exciting, isn't it? I would love a pair of Tomomi-chan's pure white panties!" It is evident that photographs of white panties are intentionally staged by the creator of the photo collection. If you ask young people they will tell you that in reality very few girls wear white panties under their school uniforms. Evidently the "white panties" rule is nothing more than a self-centered male fantasy. 5 What is on the other side of the pristine white panties? So why do men like white panties? In Chapter One I focused on "white" as a "sacred color." Here I would also like to point out the following. In most of these photographs, the white panties used are made of 64 cotton. White cotton panties get dirty easily. If the girl in the uniform is wearing white cotton panties they must presumably get at least a little bit dirty. But the panties in these photographs are always sparkling white without the slightest stain. In other words, the significance of catching a glimpse of white panties is that it allows the viewer to meticulously confirm that what should normally be dirty is in fact perfectly clean. For me there is the sense that what must be on the other side of the panties is perfectly smooth skin; in other words, the complete absence of genitalia. It is because there are no genitals under the white panties that they remain clean. In short, the reason pristine white panties are important is that they provide the most incontrovertible evidence for the delusion that "there might not be any genitals under the panties of the girl in the school uniform." Of course, in collections of photographs of girls in school uniforms, the majority of photographs do not reveal panties. But even if underwear is not visible, when we look at these sorts of pictures we assume that under her skirt the girl is wearing white panties, and it is because we look at them in this way that girls in school uniforms are so attractive. Evidence for this hypothesis can be seen in the fact that the instant I imagine the girl in a photograph is wearing smooth red panties, for example, the aura projected by the girl in a school uniform transforms into a different kind of erotic appeal. For this reason, "unseeable white panties" can be said to exist at the core of photographs of girls in school uniforms even when no glimpses of 65 underwear are actually revealed. Thus far, I have made little distinction between the images of girls in school uniforms in photography collections and actual girls in school uniforms. Reflecting on this, I am struck by my own inability to properly distinguish between an image and reality. I get almost the same thrill and refreshing sensation looking at a girl in a book of photographs as I do looking at a pretty girl in a school uniform in real life. The inability to distinguish reality from fantasy in the dimension of sexuality may be one of the characteristics of "frigid men." Men who confuse fantasy with reality often cause great harm to women. There are men who approach girls wearing school uniforms in the street and try to buy sex, and there are men who are arrested for trying to look up girls' skirts. These men think of flesh and blood women as nothing more than walking images of girls. They forget that the woman they are looking at has her own thoughts, feelings and volition. In the following chapters, I hope to thoroughly examine the murky sexuality of these sorts of men. 66 Section 2 Seeing "School" in a Girl Wearing a Uniform 6 Why am I attracted to school uniforms? After coming this far, we at last reach the main question concerning school uniforms: why do I experience a thrill and feeling of cool refreshment when I see a girl in a school uniform? What exactly is the appeal of a "uniform"? Various things have been said about this appeal. For example, there is the assertion that because uniforms are designed to remove individuality by standardization they easily stimulate fetishism based on clothing. This may indeed be the case when it comes to men who are attracted to the uniform itself. It has also been suggested that the sense of oppression conveyed by students being made to wear their uniform gives pleasure. Another idea is that they acquire value through scarcity as they are only worn during junior high and high school. Still another hypothesis is that it reminds men of when they themselves were students or brings to mind memories of girls they liked at that time. I think all of these explanations are reasonable. As I myself understand these feelings well, I too was tempted to say these explanations are enough, but after conducting extensive analysis concerning school uniforms I noticed that there is another completely 67 different psychological mechanism operating within me. I will lay out a step-by-step explanation of this mechanism, but I am sure that as I proceed many readers will balk at what I am saying. I ask you to put your reservations aside and continue reading to the end of this chapter. What lies submerged beneath my consciousness may be very distinctive or unique, but I believe it can serve as a point of reference for you as you examine your own sexuality. I hope you will be able to use it as an entry point in order to more deeply explore your own experience. 7 Are girls the source of the appeal? Or perhaps the color of the uniforms? To begin with, the uniforms in question are worn by girls. It therefore follows that the appeal of uniforms may in fact be the appeal of the girls wearing them. Uniforms are bound up in the image of a school-aged girl in ways that make the two difficult to distinguish from each other, so it is possible that when I am attracted to a uniform I am actually attracted to the girl who is wearing it. This hypothesis is soon proved false, however, if I test it by comparing a photograph of a girl in a uniform with another photograph of the same girl in different clothing. In almost all cases the thrill and feeling of refreshment is much more powerful when looking at a photograph of the girl wearing a uniform. The secret to the appeal lies not in the girl but in the uniform itself. So if the secret is to be found in the uniform, where 68 exactly is it hidden? School uniforms worn by girls in Japan can be broadly divided into "sailor" and "blazer" style garments. When I was a student all girls' uniforms were sailor style, but in the years since then the number of junior high schools and high schools adopting "blazer" style outfits has increased and nowadays this style is predominant. Is there some sort of secret contained in these forms of dress? Looking at collections of photographs we see that, regardless of whether the uniform in question is sailor or blazer style, in the overwhelming majority of cases the colors used are white and navy blue. Is the use of these two colors perhaps the key? Dark blue is, however, also widely used in other uniforms such as those worn by flight attendants and "office ladies." It can be described as Japan's "uniform color." Given the fact that school uniforms do not have a monopoly on the use of navy blue, we are not likely to find the secret of their special appeal in their color. Here I would like to conduct a thought experiment. Suppose that sailor and blazer style outfits have disappeared, and throughout Japan female junior high and high school students are instead dressed in camouflage-patterned schoolgirl uniforms. Imagine that this state of affairs has persisted for twenty years. Would the men who had been sexually attracted to sailor and blazer outfits now feel the same attraction to the new camouflage uniforms? In my own case I suspect that I would indeed feel sexually attracted to the new outfits. I say this because when I was in school I almost never saw blazer and pleated skirt uniforms; 69 nearly all school uniforms were sailor style. But as the times changed and blazer/pleated skirt outfits became the norm, a sexual sensitivity to these sorts of uniforms grew naturally inside me. This being the case, it can be assumed that if camouflage uniforms became prevalent, the sexual sensitivity within me would alter and become responsive to this new stimulus. 8 "Uniform adoration" is another name for "school adoration" What we have seen so far is that my attraction to sailor and blazer outfits is the result of their being "designated as uniforms" by schools. There is nothing special or mysterious about these forms of dress themselves. If things change and a different kind of outfit becomes designated as a school uniform, I am sure that I will begin to be sexually attracted to this new "designated uniform" as well. One of the secrets of my attraction to school uniforms lies in the fact that junior high and high schools make the wearing of these outfits obligatory. I see "school" when I look at "a girl in a uniform." Let me propose another thought experiment. There are some young women who enter the workforce directly after graduating from junior high school instead of attending high school. Suppose that one day the Japanese government decided that these girls should be forced to wear a special uniform. They would have to go to work wearing this uniform until they reached the age of eighteen. Girls wearing this uniform 70 would thus be the same age as girls attending high school. In this scenario, would I also be sexually attracted to the uniforms of these girls who work rather than go to school? Think carefully about your own feelings and try this thought experiment for yourself. While the answer may of course differ depending on the nature of the outfit in question, in my own case I suspect I would not be especially attracted to the uniforms of these girls who are not in school. I say this because it would not be possible to see "school" behind the image of these uniformed girls. To sum up what I have stated thus far, I experience a thrill and feeling of refreshment when I look at a girl in a sailor uniform or school blazer because I see "school" through her image. In other words, for me "uniform adoration" is another name for "school adoration." (The original Japanese for "uniform adoration" is "seifuku moe." The word "moe" means a "romantic and/or sexual feeling" toward imaginary characters.) 9 What girls in uniforms mean to teachers Here I see a connection to another issue. Why do some people employed by schools seek to buy sex from students? In the last few years there have been many incidents in which people actively employed as teachers or school board members have been arrested for paying junior high or high school students for sex. There has been case after case in which a teacher or school employee paid several high school students for sex or 71 gave students money to appear in pornographic videos. A particularly shocking incident involving violence committed by a junior high school teacher against a student occurred in 2001. The teacher met the first year junior high school student through a "terekura (telephone club)" [a service that allows men to contact women for the purpose of paying for sex]. She accidentally fell out of his speeding car with her hands bound in handcuffs and died after being struck by another vehicle. In his testimony the teacher stated: "I was happy to learn that she was a junior high school student." Where exactly does this happiness come from? My own speculation is that for this teacher the fact that the girl was a junior high school student was of great importance. I suspect that he was excited not just because she was a young girl but also because she attended a junior high school. Presumably many of the men who choose to become a junior high or high school teacher have a strong affinity for these institutions. There are no doubt more than a few male teachers who become infatuated with "school" itself, love "school" from the bottom of their hearts, and see the meaning of life as being involved in "school." The education system is supported by this kind of passionate teacher. But what happens when this affection for school overflows into the dimension of sexuality and becomes uncontrollable? Might they not then select female junior high and high school students in uniforms, who seem to be a physical embodiment of "school," as their 72 sexual prey? These men love "school," but since they cannot actually have sexual relations with "school" itself, they try to have sex with girls in uniforms who constitute a physical representation of this institution. For them, sexually assaulting girls in school uniforms is equivalent to ejaculating on the "school" they love and having intercourse with "school" through the girls in school uniforms. It has been reported that many of the men involved in these incidents of prostitution at schools were dedicated, enthusiastic teachers. This hypothesis may seem a bit strained, but I think the large number of incidents in which teachers pay female students for sex is very difficult to understand if we do not interpret them in this way. To simply say that many teachers suffer from "lolicon [Lolita complex]" does not constitute an explanation. Here some readers may think, "I'm not a teacher so this has nothing to do with me." But this phenomenon is in no way limited to teachers. There are in fact many men who are fixated on "school" even though they do not teach at one. This is something that may affect all men. Here some readers may say that they hated school, but if you raise this objection I would ask you to consider the possibility that this would not be the case if you were in the position of a teacher rather than that of a student. You might hate being taught, but is there really no possibility that you might enjoy teaching young girls? Of course, here I suspect many readers will argue that they have never had any sort of desire to ejaculate on "school," but I hope they will be able to put 73 aside their reservations and keep reading just a bit further. Section 3 Uncovering the Secrets of the Uniform 10 Why do men feel sexual desire for "school"? When I am sexually attracted to a girl in a school uniform, this sexual desire is in fact for "school" itself in its manifestation as a schoolgirl. This has been made clear by my examination of the issue thus far. So what exactly is this "school" that manifests itself by borrowing the form of a girl in a uniform? I have not found any text that provides an answer to this question, and while this means that I will have to proceed by piling hypothesis on top of hypothesis, I intend to do so as carefully and circumspectly as possible. What is often discussed in this context is nostalgia for youth. We savor the bittersweet memories of our time in junior high and high school. It may indeed be possible to assert that a sad longing to return to this time in one's life lies at the bottom of a fixation with school uniforms. During this highly impressionable period, we spend most of our time at school. Entrance exams, sports days, gymnasiums, afternoon classes, after-school activities, going to school by bicycle, classmates, the school gate at twilight, and graduation: this is the period during which both boys and girls 74 acquire secondary sex characteristics, fall in love, and feel their hearts begin to pound. Collections of photographs of school-aged girls are in fact full of images that stimulate this kind of nostalgia. Classrooms after school and gymnasiums are obvious choices for a backdrop, but what we must take note of is the fact that old-fashioned houses and traditional Japanese style tatami-mat rooms are also used as locations for these photo shoots. Why are there so many pictures of a smiling girl wearing a school uniform sitting on the veranda of an old-fashioned Japanese house or standing in a traditional tatami-mat room as soft sunlight streams in from outside? I can only assume it is because these photographs are created for a generation that feels nostalgia at the sight of an "old-fashioned veranda" or a "traditional tatamimat room." I do, in fact, get a nostalgic feeling when I see a photograph of an old-fashioned veranda. A girl in her school uniform sitting on a veranda seems less like a young girl living in the present day than a girl who existed in a nostalgic past, specifically the era in which I attended school. I then experience the illusion that she is smiling and looking out at me here in the present. The old-fashioned veranda plays the role of stirring melancholy desires to return to that time in the adult viewer. The creators of these sorts of photographs seem to be aware of this effect. The following passages of text appear in Supika Vol.1 (Mediaboy 2001). "Remember being in high school. It was normal for you to take part 75 in activities with high school girls, and on sports days you frolicked with these girls in their "bloomer" exercise outfits. Uniforms were just a nuisance that took away your freedom. It is a period that is burned so deeply into our minds in the form of bittersweet memories that we find it hard to forgive ourselves for having been so oblivious to its importance at the time." "Bloomers in a gymnasium. This is obvious. It is a situation that almost seems to have been created for magazines devoted to beautiful girls." "A girl standing on a veranda is also a classic scenario." "A depiction of the world that elicits nostalgia." (pp. 99-101) Undoubtedly, there are deep feelings of nostalgia for "school" at work behind the sense of excitement created by photographs of girls in school uniforms. Nevertheless, I find it impossible to believe that the secret of uniforms can be completely explained by nostalgia alone. It is clear that an even deeper mystery lies hidden further down in our psyches. We must try to bring this more profound mystery to light. 11 School as a place where "brainwashing" occurs While it may be the result of my own bias as a teacher at a university, when I hear "school" the image that comes to mind is that of a place where students are taught. In other words, "schools" are places of teaching and learning. If this is the case, then feeling sexual desire for "school" is equivalent to feeling sexual desire for "teaching and learning." What does this mean? One of 76 the most significant characteristics of junior high and high school education in Japan is that the content of what must be taught is determined in quite fine detail by the Ministry of Education, Sports, Science and Technology. All textbooks must receive government approval, and the scope of what is left to the teacher's discretion is exceedingly small. In this regard, these schools differ considerably from universities. A great deal of freedom is allowed regarding the content of what is taught at a university, and, particularly in the humanities, it can often be observed that the content of a course will change completely when it is taught by a different professor. Particularly inept instructors can even find themselves abandoned by their students. In contrast to this state of affairs, classes where all students are taught the same fixed content form the main part of the curriculum at junior high and high schools. In other words, junior high and high school education is essentially indistinguishable from simply pouring knowledge and values into students' heads, i.e. "brainwashing." When it comes to junior high and high school, "school" is fundamentally a place where "brainwashing" occurs. Could this fact have something to do with the secret of sexual attraction to school uniforms? Looked at in this way, junior high schools and high schools seem like very dangerous places where experienced adults are given license to gang up on and "brainwash" highly impressionable young people (the same can also be said of elementary schools, something I will touch on in the next chapter). "School" is in fact a 77 place where the essentially very dangerous and shameful activity of reprogramming the minds of young people is carried out publicly in broad daylight. Of course, since at junior high and high schools students are given opportunities to freely debate with teachers and time for discussion and independent study, we cannot apply the label "brainwashing" to everything that occurs at these institutions. But as the fundamental goal of these schools is to pour into students' heads the precise content of the textbooks approved by the Ministry of Education, Sports, Science and Technology, we cannot avoid saying that this system is essentially indistinguishable from "brainwashing." This is also the reason there have been increasing calls for the teaching of "patriotism" and "respect for masculinity and femininity" at schools, because the most effective means of ensuring these values take root is to have them taught, or instilled via brainwashing, at these institutions. Thinking about things in this way leads us to a possible interpretation of the seemingly nonsensical idea of a sexual desire for "school": it is a sexual attraction to the act of "brainwashing" school-aged girls (here I am writing from the perspective of a heterosexual man). 12 I want to "brainwash" schoolgirls in uniforms! With this perspective in mind, I notice something when I look at collections of photographs of schoolgirls. The girls in these collections put on uniforms, look at 78 the camera and smile. Or they are photographed staring at the viewer with an expression of childlike artlessness. To me they seem to be saying, "Brainwash me!" or "It's ok to brainwash me in whatever way you like!" The secret of the thrill and feeling of refreshment imparted by girls in uniforms is now revealed: it is the delusion I hold that it's OK for me to brainwash this girl, that I have permission to reprogram the contents of her brain, use "mind control" on her so that she really loves me, and make her do my bidding as though she were my servant, and that no one will criticize me for doing such a dangerous thing because the girl herself actually desires it. The feeling of refreshment arises out of my viewing the girl as a "blank slate" before brainwashing. The thrill comes from the sense of transgression (doing something that should not be done) that accompanies reprogramming her brain or reshaping her personality. Attraction to "school" turns out to be excitement at the thought of brainwashing young girls. The desire to ejaculate on "school" is a desire to ejaculate on the idea of brainwashing girls. Thinking about it in this way should make it slightly easier to understand, and I hope readers will agree that this is by no means a desire held only by teachers. I am confident that there are a great many men who can understand the desire to brainwash a young girl and turn her into an obedient servant or maid. It would not be surprising if this desire were indeed wriggling and squirming inside every man who feels a twinge of excitement when he sees photographs of a girl in a 79 uniform staring out him. So how does this differ from the reverence for virgins or veneration of pure young girls that has been with us since ancient times? To begin with I would point out that in contemporary society reverence for virgins on a physical level is not very strong. The number of sexually experienced female junior high and high school students has increased, and it is thus unlikely that men are expecting girls in school uniforms to be virgins in a physical sense. Instead of a physical virgin, what men want is a girl with a "virgin brain": a girl who is sexually "unbrainwashed" and onto whose brain any number of things can still be printed. Men want a girl who is this sort of "brain virgin"; they want a girl who seems to be herself desirous of brainwashing, saying "It's OK to brainwash me." The uniform she wears is evidence of this desire to be brainwashed. In other words, when these girls walk around in their uniforms, from a man's perspective it is as though they are walking down the street publicly saying, "It's ok to brainwash me in any way you like." It may not be easy to understand, but I think this is the kind of self-centered thought process at work in men who are attracted to girls in school uniforms. 13 Breaking down the desire for "brainwashing" So what exactly is the nature of this desire to brainwash young girls? It is a desire to put knowledge and values in her 80 head that are convenient from my own point of view, and to place her thoughts, feelings and behavior under my control. If I can succeed in doing so, I will be able to make her do as I like. I can use her to satisfy my desires like a servant or a slave. I can also manipulate her via "remote control" and enjoy watching her do my bidding. If we divide domination into external domination, like that of a body chained down, and internal domination, like that of a heart or mind restrained, "brainwashing" is clearly domination of the latter kind. There is a desire to enter deep into the girl's mind and acquire the ability to manipulate her from the inside at will. So why is it so important to be able to control her mind in this way? To solve this mystery, let us consider it from a different angle. How would one go about gaining complete internal domination over the brain of a young girl? To put it another way, what is the most complete form of "brainwashing"? It would, I submit, be to have my brain surgically removed and transplanted into the girl's skull, that is to say, to replace her brain with my own. In other words, it would be for me to put myself right inside her head. By doing so, I would become able to completely control her thoughts, feelings and behavior. What would happen if her brain were replaced by mine? I would presumably be able to enter her body like a spirit and go on living inside her. Her body would become my body; if I touched my chest I would feel her 81 still-small breasts, and if I looked in a mirror I would see reflected in it the face of a pretty young girl. I would be able to live inside her, and therefore I would be able to completely dominate her and manipulate her in any way I chose. This is the most perfect form of "brainwashing." In other words, it seems that the desire to brainwash a young girl is the desire to abandon my own body, transplant myself into her body, and manipulate this pretty body in accordance with my own will. But since this cannot actually be achieved, I have no choice but to settle for a fixation on the "uniform" that so strongly evokes the image of "brainwashing." When a girl with a pretty face is smiling and wearing a uniform, it is as though she is saying, "Go ahead and enter my brain. Come and live inside my body!" Among the men who open books and magazines full of photographs of girls in uniforms, there are undoubtedly many who, as they turn the pages, wonder excitedly, "What sort of girl will I enter and live inside today?" 14 Semen as a bridge to a young girl Earlier I mentioned a desire to ejaculate in the direction of an image of the brainwashing of young girls. I did not explain, however, why men cannot be satisfied with the image alone and need to progress all the way to ejaculation. The answer to this question can be found, however, if we understand the meaning of "brainwashing" to be "transporting oneself into her body." In order to transport myself into a girl I am 82 looking at, whether a flesh-and-blood human being or a girl in a photograph, I require a "medium" (means of transport) to carry me inside her. A bridge spanning the divide from this side to that side: this is the role played by a line of semen emanating from the penis. Like a spider proceeding along a line of silk spun between a pair of trees, I follow the line of semen emanating from my penis to the girl in a uniform in an attempt to get inside her and live within her body. A "uniform fetish" must be consummated with ejaculation. At the start of this chapter, I described a state of affairs in which a "virtual girl" emerges from beyond a school uniform I see in front of me, and my accompanying desire to release my semen in the direction of this whole situation. After considering this at length, the identity of this "virtual girl" has at last become clear. The girl I am looking at is an image of "another me" after I have transported myself inside her and begun to live inside her body. When I am about to expel semen in the direction of the girl I am looking at, the target of this emission is in fact an image of "another me" that has succeeded in entering her body and is now looking back at me. In other words, my "uniform fetish" is an attempt to create a sexually solipsistic world (a world where only my self exists) by directing my ejaculation towards myself. Here my interaction with the "ideal girl" culminates in an "interaction with myself." Flesh-andblood girls are only needed as raw materials for the construction of this world, and once this construction 83 has been completed, they are no longer necessary. In the solipsistic world of the uniform fetish, to be treated as nothing more than disposable pawns is the ultimate fate of living and breathing girls. 15 A feeling of revulsion toward the muscle-bound, dirty male body A "uniform fetish" is a desire to become a schoolaged girl. Here some may object that if this is the case then a man with this fetish should enjoy dressing up in women's clothing. But for me, to become a woman is not the answer; even if I dress my muscle-bound, dirty body in girls' clothing I will never be able to love it, and it is not as though I want to become a woman of my own age. This being the case, why did this desire to become a girl arise within me to begin with? What gave rise to this desire to transplant myself inside a girl and take over her body? I suspect that at the root of this longing is a prayer-like plea for release: "Let me out of this muscle-bound, dirty body!" This kind of self-negation exists at the center of my feelings about my own body. If I could transport myself into the body of a pretty girl and live inside it, what would I do? I would presumably begin by caressing the soft new body that has become mine. I would savor again and again the sensations of having sensitive breasts and soft, responsive skin I was experiencing for the first time. And then, while looking at my naked body in a mirror, I would begin to look for all of the hidden pleasure spots. 84 For the first time in my life, I would feel love for my own body. I would know deep in my heart what it is like to experience this kind of love. All of the strange desires I have discussed so far are based on this "delusion": I want to feel profound love for my own body by leaving my original body and entering that of a girl. It is here that the secret of my "uniform fetish" is ultimately to be found. 85 Chapter 4 Delving into the Psychology of Men with "Lolita Complexes" Section 1 Japan, a Great "Lolicon" Power 1 Japan, a Great "Lolicon" Power Japan has become a "leading nation" when it comes to lolicon. This country has long been known internationally for its production of pornography featuring young girls. But pornography is not what I want to talk about here. Mainstream television and other media are full of instances in which young girls are viewed sexually to such an extent that the current state of affairs seems to me quite bizarre. Yukiko Hayami has identified lolicon as the "national illness" of Japan (Men Who Cannot Love [Ren'ai Dekinai Otokotachi], Daiwashobō, 2002, p. 40). In this chapter I will examine lolicon, but this is a problem that is very difficult to discuss. Feminism views lolicon as an illness of adult men. This is of course not incorrect, but in fact it is not only men who are sexually attracted to pretty young girls; I am personally acquainted with adult women who are 86 sexually attracted to beautiful young girls, and it is a well-known fact that young female entertainers acquire many adult women as fans. One young woman told me that other women look at her with sexual interest. Young girls seem to be the sexual targets of both men and women. It may be assumed, however, that there are significant differences between cases in which men are sexually attracted to young girls and cases in which women feel this kind of attraction. Putting aside these differences as a topic for future inquiry, here I would like to begin by examining, with myself as an example, what occurs in the minds of men like me when they are attracted to young girls. 2 "I" understand how men with lolicon feel In this book I am attempting to look deep inside myself and examine my own internal sexuality. By dispassionately analyzing what goes on inside myself, I hope to contribute to the elucidation of male sexuality. When it comes to the topic of lolicon, however, this examination of my own internal sexuality is extremely difficult and painful, because in order to pursue it I must publically acknowledge that I understand lolicon, or, in other words, that I have experienced sexual attraction to young girls. I will discuss this in more detail later on, but I must begin by admitting that I have experienced erotic feelings towards still-innocent young girls around the age of twelve. I am also a professor at a university. For someone even slightly 87 connected to education to openly declare that he is sexually attracted to young girls is one of this society's greatest taboos. But this is something I want to publicly admit. I understand the feeling of lolicon. Without acknowledging this, it would be impossible to elucidate lolicon's internal psychological aspects. Of course, I have never actually engaged in sexual relations with a young girl or attempted to do so. But I cannot avoid acknowledging the fact that, however slight, this kind of sexual interest exists within me. As I mentioned in Chapter 3, one of the professions that makes it hardest to publicly admit this kind of thing is that of a "teacher" at a school. Even if this kind of sexual interest in young girls exists within a teacher, at school he must act as if it does not, and he cannot discuss it even when he goes drinking with friends. These men's lolicon swells under this pressure and may eventually erupt in the form of sexual behaviors like peeping or prostitution involving young girls. Of course, I have no desire to defend the men who commit these sorts of crimes. Individuals working in the field of education must indeed hold themselves to a higher moral standard in this regard. If so, should we then say that "teachers" must not feel sexual attraction to young girls? Or that if they do have such feelings they must bury them deep inside themselves and never discuss them openly with other people? I myself do not have a definite answer, but sometimes I think that our response to these questions must simply be "yes." But before arriving at this 88 conclusion, I would like to thoroughly clarify the essential nature of the lolicon that existed within me. I would also like you to ask yourself whether there is not even a slight sexual attraction to young girls (or cute young boys) within you, and carefully examine whether you are being entirely truthful when you say "I find them cute but I am not sexually attracted to them at all." 3 Girls harmed by lolicon men Here I must note that there are many young girls who are sexually harmed by men with lolicon. There is an extremely large number of women who have painful memories of being molested by strangers or groped on the train when they were young, or who were repeatedly sexually abused by their fathers or other family members. The harm done to these women is indeed great. Detailed accounts of individual cases can be found in the excellent reportage of Takako Yoshida (See Children and Sexual Harm [Kodomo to Seihigai], Shūeisha Shinso, 2001). As it is difficult to talk about this kind of incident with other people, there are presumably many women who have kept this damage they received as children to themselves and continue to carry it long after they have become adults. Some of the readers of this book may be women who have had this kind of experience, and others may have such individuals among their acquaintances. What will these women think when they read this chapter? Other readers may have a family 89 member who was the victim of abduction by a lolicon criminal. When I imagine these sorts of readers I am reluctant to continue writing this chapter. But in the end I keep going, because I think that in order to reduce these crimes it is necessary for us to better understand what is happening in the minds of men with these tendencies and how the mechanisms that give rise to these sexual crimes spread throughout society. For the sake of eliminating this kind of harm we must uncover, to the greatest extent possible, what lies buried in the minds of lolicon men. I do not want to conduct this investigation by harshly condemning these men from a distance while turning a blind eye to the susceptibility to lolicon I have within myself. 4 Dividing lolicon into two types I would like to begin with a bit of clarification regarding the concept of lolicon. Lolicon is a mental state of being sexually attracted to young girls. The word is also used to refer to men who have this mental state (in this chapter I focus mainly on lolicon men). Here I would like to divide lolicon men into two types. One type actually sexually abuses young girls or pays them for sex. There is nothing to stop us from describing these men as criminals who prey on actual young girls to satisfy their own physical desires. In Men in the Dark [Maend i mørket] (Tiderne Skifter, 2003), Jacob Billing reports on the actual state of affairs regarding pedophiles in Denmark. I cannot in any sense support these individuals who tear apart the lives 90 of real, flesh and blood children without compunction in order to satisfy their own desires. What I write in this chapter is in no way intended to defend these sorts of men. The other type of lolicon men is those who feel sexually attracted to young girls but do not actually engage in sexual relations with them. This category includes men who collect photographs of young girls and videos of "idol bands." Among such men, there are presumably those who are satisfied with consuming only images, those who refrain from engaging in sexual relations with young girls through rational self-control, and those who simply have not yet considered having sexual relations with an actual young girl. The chance that these men will at some point become criminals is of course not zero. There may indeed be this kind of "reserve corps" of sex criminals. What I want to discuss in this chapter is mainly the second type of lolicon men. They cannot be called criminals, but it is because of them that the "loliconification" of society as a whole continues to progress. Such people may indeed be unimaginably numerous. They include the majority of men who like "idols" ["aidoru" in Japanese; cute young girls, mostly singers or actresses, who appear in various popular media including music, film and television]. I would not deny having belonged to this category myself. I hope that you too will reexamine what exactly your own feelings are as you read what follows. Research has been carried out concerning the psychology of people who commit sex crimes involving children, but up to 91 now almost nothing has been said about this more general form of lolicon. I want to make this my objective here. With this end in mind, I will also discuss the psychology of criminals when necessary, as there is a great deal of overlap between what goes on in the minds of both of these types of lolicon men. 5 How old are the girls on whom lolicon men fixate? So how old are the "young girls" I have been talking about? In his novel Lolita, Nabokov makes Lolita twelve years old. A website called "Moeeki" has put together a survey of the age distribution of young female anime and video game characters (characters who appear to be young girls). The results show five characters who are nine years old, nine who are ten, fifteen who are eleven, twelve who are twelve, nine who are thirteen, nine who are fourteen, and seven who are fifteen. It seems safe to conclude that popular characters of this type in Japan are mainly eleven and twelve years old, and the age range of girls who inspire lolicon is roughly ten to fourteen. This range extends from the fourth year of elementary school to the second year of junior high school. It is very interesting to note that on average Japanese girls begin to menstruate at twelve years and a half of age. This almost perfectly fits the age range of girls who are the target of lolicon; lolicon men are fixated on girls who are just beginning to menstruate. In other words, these men could also be seen as impatiently waiting until girls are capable of bearing 92 children. I would like to put this idea aside for now and return to it later. Here I should note that men who are sexually attracted to girls (or boys) under the age of ten or so are often referred to as "pedophiles" and distinguished from lolicon men. Lolicon and pedophilia are completely different. I myself cannot imagine what kind of feelings or thoughts exist in the minds of pedophiles. I will therefore limit my discussion in this chapter to lolicon, something I can discuss based on my own experiences. 6 Why are they drawn to young girls? I would like to note at the start that lolicon has been explained as being the result of immature men who cannot have romantic relationships with full grown women seeking to use young girls who are weak and obedient as sexual outlets. There are almost certainly some men who molest or sexually abuse young girls for this reason. This pattern may be especially prevalent in pedophiles who molest young girls who have just started elementary school. At the same time, however, this does not seem an adequate explanation of the attraction to girls in junior high school or the upper years of elementary school. The teachers and school board employees arrested for buying sex from schoolgirls, for example, are often men who occupy a position of high social status and have families. These men bought sex with young girls while at the same time engaging in sexual relationships with 93 adult women; they cannot be described as immature men who approach young girls because they cannot have a relationship with a full-grown woman. In 2001, Tokyo High Court judge Yasuhiro Muraki was arrested for paying for sex with girls between the ages of fourteen and sixteen and sentenced to prison by the Tokyo District Court. Muraki was forty-three years old at the time. There is almost no position with a higher social standing than that of judge, and by the normal standards of society Muraki was a very successful man. A few years later, in 2004, a reasonably successful movie director named Akiyoshi Imazeki was arrested on suspicion of paying for sex with two girls aged twelve and fourteen and sentenced to prison by the Yokohama District Court. Why would Imazeki, who had produced a solid body of work as a film director, become involved in child prostitution? He is forty-four years old and therefore belongs to my generation. These men presumably sought out young girls because they were looking for something they could not find in adult women. We must try to clarify what this something is. 7 Is lolicon an "illness"? The desire to gaze at and admire a pretty young girl you see in front of you is presumably a very normal emotion. However, lolicon men begin fantasizing about going on a date with her, becoming her lover, bringing her home, or making her their younger sister or daughter. As for how far these sorts of fantasies go, 94 they eventually reach the point of wanting to touch the girl and ultimately ejaculate on her. Put this way, most men would presumably say that lolicon is clearly an illness and something that has nothing to do with them. But what happens if you think about it in a different way? For example, imagine that an adult woman who is "your type" is standing in front of you dressed in a way you find attractive. Upon seeing her, you will presumably feel a spark of excitement and your heart will begin to beat a bit faster. Now imagine you are alone with her on a date. You have dinner, chat while staring into each other's eyes, and go for a drink. It would not be strange for the idea that if possible you would like to have sex with her to begin to form in your mind. After dinner you take her for a ride in your car, and this is an implicit invitation. You may even want to take her somewhere right away if she doesn't have any strong objection. You may have an erection at this point. An expectation of sexual intercourse and ejaculation begins to build in the mind of a man in this situation. There are surely few people who would criticize as an "illness" this kind of physical response in a man when it is directed toward an adult woman. When a woman you find attractive appears in front of you and you notice this and your heart begins to beat faster, I think this is because in some corner of your mind you have a vague feeling that "I might have the chance to have sex with this woman and ejaculate, and it would be great if I could." Even if you know that there is no way it could actually happen, a fleeting fantasy nevertheless crosses your mind. It is this vague 95 feeling of anticipation that makes a man's pulse quicken. But since the man is in a slightly excited state of mind, it is hard for him to be consciously aware of this psychological mechanism. 8 What lies at the bottom of the "feeling of excitement" When a pretty young girl appears before the eyes of a lolicon man, or when he sees the image of a pretty young girl on TV, a DVD, or in a magazine, or even when he views a representation of a pretty young girl in manga, anime, or computer-generated animation, his pulse quickens and he experiences a "feeling of excitement" towards her just as described above. When a lolicon man feels this excitement, it is not as though he immediately gets an erection and wants to take the girl somewhere right away. This feeling of excitement fills his mind and he enters a slightly paralyzed, trancelike mental state; in nearly all cases this is all that occurs. At the same time, however, when a man has this "feeling of excitement" towards a young girl, he begins to focus a thin, vaporous desire to have sex and ejaculate – a desire so indistinct he himself may not be consciously aware of it – on the young girl in question. This is exactly the same mechanism that operates when a man is attracted to an adult woman. Of course, there are presumably very few men who actually carry out these sorts of acts. But a man may have a vague sense of anticipation in the back of his mind even if he would never actually engage in these sorts of actions. This is 96 the essence of the sexual gaze directed towards young girls. Lolicon men are men who experience this "feeling of excitement" toward young girls or images of young girls. And I think that at the bottom of this "feeling of excitement" there is a hidden desire, not easily perceived even by the man in question himself, for sexual intercourse and ejaculation. If we redefine "lolicon" in this way, we cannot help but conclude that a truly enormous number of adult Japanese men are in some sense affected by this condition; Japanese mass media, including TV and magazines, skillfully portray young girls in a sexual light, and we are unknowingly being refashioned into people with the mental disposition to take pleasure in viewing them in this way. Section 2 Adults Who Skillfully Package "Young Girls" 9 The "young girls filled with sexual desire" message Nationally renowned idol groups such as Morning Musume are representative of this phenomenon. Morning Musume was formed in 1997, and in 2000, when a girl of the lolicon target age of twelve joined its ranks, it became a group that attracted attention throughout Japan. In 2003, XYX [Jikkusu], a group comprised of Mari Yaguchi and five girls in elementary 97 school, made its debut. Its members included elementary school students as young as eleven. Around the same time a different company produced SweetS, a group of five elevento thirteen-year-old girls, and in 2004, Berryz Kōbō, a group of eight young girls, made its debut. The latter's members included two sixth-year elementary school students, four fifth-year elementary school students, one fourth-year elementary school student, and one third-year elementary school student; the lowering of the age of members included in such groups had finally led to the appearance of a nine-yearold. Superficially, these groups are sold with the image of cheerful young girls who like to sing, but under the surface, the "young girls filled with sexual desire" message is cunningly and subliminally constructed. This is immediately evident if we look at the debut photograph of XYX, for example, in which girls who are still in elementary school are dressed in feminine, revealing clothes of the sort normally worn by adult women and their navels and bared midriffs are emphasized. Adult men have been trained to automatically read "women filled with sexual desire" into images of this sort, and the result is that sexual gazes are concentrated and directed toward girls who are still in elementary school. The same can also be said in the case of SweetS. These girls are photographed wearing adult clothing, baring their legs beneath miniskirts, and giving inviting, "come hither" looks towards the camera. The message that permeates these photographs is, "We are sexually 98 mature children." The title of their debut single, "LolitA," is clearly suggestive. The elementary school students in Berryz Kōbō also wear full makeup like adult women, and present an appearance that would make it difficult, if you looked only at their photographs, to imagine they are elementary school students. Their audience is given the message that, although they are still in elementary school, their bodies are already those of adults; they are to be seen as women capable of fully engaging in romantic relationships. And the age of the girls presented in this way is getting lower every year. There have of course been child actors and celebrities in the past. Idol groups like those mentioned above, however, do not appear in the media simply as children. They are presented as sexually awakened young women; they are, in other words, portrayed and constructed as women with whom you, the viewer, could conceivably have a sexual relationship. The clothing of a mature woman, full makeup, seductive gestures and glances, miniskirts, exposed midriffs, bare thighs: all of these things are part of a scheme that inundates the viewer with subliminal messages. How many men are there who, when they see these girls in the mass media, actually view them just as "cute little girls"? I suspect that quite a large number of men have a somewhat shameful feeling towards these girls when they look at them. I have asked men I know about this, and there do indeed seem to be men for whom this is the case. In discussions on Internet forums like "2channeru" it is taken for granted that groups like 99 Morning Musume are to be targets of sexual desire. 2channeru, the largest online forum in Japan, is a rare space where people can freely declare their lolicon feelings, and sexual fantasies involving young female idols are discussed there openly and explicitly. 10 Skillful creators of young female "idols" In this way, "sexual gazes" directed toward girls around the age of twelve have been skillfully cultivated in the popular media, and this is now one of Japan's largest industries. What men see when they look at these idols is nothing other than the "sex" of these young girls, skillfully presented and wrapped in a candy-like atmosphere. I made this point at a meeting attended mostly by women and asked for their reaction. Many of these women responded that they had never noticed that idol groups are viewed sexually. Here we see the magic of mass media; both men and women are shown the same images, but what they take from them is very different. Upon seeing a model in a miniskirt, for example, the reaction of many women is to think, "What beautiful legs she has!", while the reaction of a man who likes miniskirts is a shiver of excitement at the way in which her panties are hidden but seem about to be revealed. In the same way, when an actress of elementary school age appears on TV wearing red lipstick, while a normal woman may simply think, "Little girls are so precocious nowadays. How cute!," a lolicon man superimposes an adult, fully mature woman on this red lipstick, reads it 100 as a sign that it is OK to approach her sexually, and may for an instant even imagine her genitals, which presumably gleam with the same color. The creators of young female idols make optimal use of this kind of "perception gap" (different messages being received by different viewers). They surreptitiously bury messages of sexual temptation beneath images of healthy young girls. As a result, lolicon men consume the images of cheerfully cavorting young girls they see on television as public displays of underage pornography. 11 The hidden message in a Minimoni video An example of the sort of thing discussed above can be seen in a music video called "Minimoni – Jankenpyon!" (Zetima-Sony 2001) featuring members of Minimoni, a spinoff of the idol group Morning Musume. This was the video for a song that was a big hit when it was released, and it was frequently broadcast on Japanese television. Minimoni is a group consisting of four members of Morning Musume, all of whom are under 150 cm in height. In the first half of the video, there is a scene in which two members of the group who lose a game of "jan ken pon" (rock, paper, scissors) are made to drink milk. Against a backdrop of footage of copious amounts of milk being poured, close-ups of the girls' faces are shown as they drink milk from bottles with their eyes closed. The gleam of the girls' lips after they have finished drinking is striking. What this imagery of 101 young girls drinking a white liquid signifies is obvious enough to require no explanation. Another message of a very different nature has thus been skillfully buried beneath the superficial narrative of "Mari Yaguchi hates milk, so let's make her drink some if she loses the game." The video incorporating this message was broadcast over and over again on television (the same year also saw the release of a controversial collection of photographs in which idol Ryoko Hirosue was splattered with milk on her face). What is the result of being subjected to many of these sorts of messages on a daily basis? The idea that "these girls are sexually mature, and they want you to view them sexually just as you would an adult woman" presumably becomes lodged in the back of men's minds. These images of idols also function as a kind of template that ordinary young girls are supposed to imitate. Girls are brainwashed into thinking it is cool to project their sexual value like these idols who are as young as they are. These messages operate selectively on the men and young girls who consume popular media. Even though they see the same images, there may be many adult women and mothers who do not perceive the existence of these messages at all. Adult women may get no further than being intoxicated by the excitement of superimposing their younger selves on idols and thinking, "How cute!" 102 12 Sexual presentation used in collections of photographs of beautiful young girls When it comes to other media like books of photographs, here too a large number of works that can be seen as targeting lolicon men have entered circulation. For an example of this sort of publication, let us look at an idol photograph collection published in 2000 (I will refrain from giving its title). This is a collection of beautiful photographs of a young female celebrity I will refer to as S who has also appeared in movies and TV programs. At the time the book was published, S was an eleven-year-old elementary school student, and the advertising sleeve wrapped around the book proclaimed "The debut of a very beautiful young girl." There is indeed nothing false about this claim. On the cover of the book there is a close-up of S, and her lips, set in a somehow adult-looking face, are covered in pink lipstick. She is wearing an elementary school uniform with shoulder straps. While employing the power of the uniform discussed in Chapter Three, the message that "even though this girl is still an elementary school student, sexually she is already an adult" is broadcast to the reader. This is the main theme of this photograph collection. Turning the pages we find several pictures taken in the yard of what appears to be S's elementary school. Unlike the first photograph, in these shots she does not appear to be anything other than a young girl in elementary school. But the pink lipstick is still carefully applied. One photo that stands out in this series shows 103 S spraying water from a hose in the schoolyard. She is smiling mischievously as she enthusiastically shoots water from the hose, and the navy blue skirt of her school uniform is being blown quite high by the wind. The shot is contrived in such a way that while nothing is revealed anyone seeing it will wonder what is under her skirt. The subliminal intention of this photograph is clear. A girl with her skirt hiked up and water being energetically emitted by the hose. This can only be interpreted as an image of ejaculation towards the genital area of this young female elementary school student. The photographer presumably took a large number of photos in the schoolyard, and we cannot help but discern the intention of the creator of this collection in the selection of this particular shot. Next there are several photographs taken at the school's swimming pool. S is sitting on the diving board wearing a white blouse and a navy blue pleated skirt with shoulder straps. The toes of her bare feet are extended as though she is trying to touch the surface of the water in the pool. She is staring fixedly in the direction of the viewer, and her skirt is pulled up above her thighs in an unnatural manner that we can only suppose was the result of it being intentionally hiked up by the photographer or one of his assistants when the photograph was being taken. Her oddly bared legs and lipstick visible even at a distance combine to produce a sense of coquettishness. It is a photograph designed to have the viewer look at this elementary school student as they would an adult woman. Her uniform, hiked-up skirt, made-up face, and round eyes 104 staring in the direction of the viewer – this sort of "presentation of a woman" is being extended even to a young girl still in elementary school. Around the middle of the collection of photographs, the same girl is shown in regular clothing (not a uniform) standing in front of a traditional Japanesestyle candy store. Her hair is braided and she is wearing a high-waisted cotton dress that emphasizes the fact that she is a child, but what she is holding in her hand is a freshly opened bottle of milk. She is bringing the bottle of white milk to her lips as though about to drink from it. Here the "young girl drinking milk" motif that appeared in the Minimoni video is once again being employed. There are all kinds of juices and soft drinks in the candy store's fridge, so why did they decide to have her drink "milk"? I can think of only one reason. It does not need repeating. Of course, this collection also includes many photographs portraying the everyday life of an innocent elementary school student. These include images of a pretty young girl playing and having fun. Amongst these, however, "contrived" shots like those described above are slipped in very naturally. This naturalness allows a subliminal message to circumvent our conscious judgment and imprint itself on our brains as we look at the photographs in the collection. The message is that this young girl is a child but sexually available; it signals to men that she is prepared to accept their semen. Presumably, the men who receive this message subconsciously get a mysterious "feeling of excitement" 105 from looking through the photographs in this collection. This "feeling of excitement" is an arousal born of their looking at a young girl sexually. I think it is the intention of the producers of these books to stimulate this sense of excitement and thereby cause men who see the photographs to buy the book without really knowing why. You do not have to go to some kind of specialty store to buy the book of photographs I have been discussing; you can easily find it in any bookstore's "idol corner." The girl who is the subject of its photographs is a "junior idol" who appears on TV and in films. The current state of Japanese society is thus one in which the gradual encroachment of this subliminal scheme occurs even in the broad daylight of mainstream culture. 13 Bold pink lipstick on a nine-year-old girl Let us look at another book of photographs. This beautifully presented collection was published in 2004 and features a nine-year-old model I will call "K" (I will once again refrain from stating the title of the book in question). Like the book discussed above, this collection can also be found in regular bookstores. On the cover there is a picture of a young girl dressed in a white gymnastics outfit and navy blue bloomers, smiling at the camera. Her face does indeed look innocent and like that of a nine-year-old girl. But her lips are covered in lipstick. "First collection of photographs of this new little elementary school student junior idol" is written on the book's 106 promotional sleeve, and on the inside cover her date of birth is listed along with her height of 129 cm. Turning the pages, we find several photographs of this girl dressed in regular clothing (not a uniform) and staring into the camera. Her hair has been neatly blowdried and she has had makeup applied to such an extent that looking only at her face you might mistake her for a junior high or high school idol. Her immature body, however, is immediately recognizable as that of a child. The names of the hair and makeup professionals involved are listed on the book's title page. The impression created is that this nine-year-old model has been photographed using the same sort of production techniques employed at a junior high or high school "idol" photo shoot. Next comes the most shocking photograph. The girl has been made up like an adult woman with thick pink lipstick and mascara, and she has been posed staring at the camera with a red "randoseru" (a leather satchel or backpack used by elementary school students in Japan) strapped to her back. Her outfit of sneakers, white socks, a checkered skirt, and a red ribbon around her collar resembles a school uniform; a recorder and a stuffed animal hang from her randoseru, and she is staring at the camera with a seductive expression on her face, her eyes languidly half closed and her red mouth half open. With makeup the face of this young girl becomes that of an adult woman. While taken outdoors in the street, no matter how you look at it, this photograph cannot be seen as anything other than a sexual invitation to male readers. This sort of 107 expression and pose is often seen in photographs of adult idols, but here exactly the same look is being given to a girl in elementary school. The large randoseru makes her body look small by comparison and heightens the sense of innocence and youth. She is nine years old; this means that she is a third-year elementary student. Next comes a series of pictures in which K is posed holding a recorder. There are shots of her holding it in both hands and shots of her lying sprawled out on the veranda of an old-fashioned Japanese dwelling clutching the instrument and staring provocatively at the camera. The red randoseru is still strapped to her back. One the next page there is a photograph of her lying sideways on the veranda with her head resting on the randoseru. She is holding the recorder in front of her chest and staring up at the camera directly above her with her mouth half open. In this shot, the viewer's perspective is that of someone looking directly down on the young girl's upturned face and body stretched out on the veranda. It is as though the viewer is standing astride her and looking down at her body splayed out below him. Her skirt is hiked up exposing her white thighs. The next shot is a close-up showing her face as she softly places the thick tip of the recorder between her lips. The gaze of the girl with the recorder in her mouth is focused directly on the camera, the sunlight is blocked as though someone is standing over her, and her stuffed animal is tucked under her shoulder. The meaning of this series of photographs is once again obvious enough to require no explanation. 108 Next there are many typical school swimsuit shots and idol photographs. As I mentioned earlier, the creator of this collection demands from K exactly the same poses and clothing normally seen in books devoted to junior high or high school idols. Is it strange for this girl who clearly has the body of a child to show this kind of adult coquetry, or nowadays is it indeed not so strange? Towards the end of the book comes the most unequivocal close-up. Wearing a red blouse, the girl looks directly at the camera as she inserts a freshlypeeled banana into her mouth. Her lips are wide open and look as if they are being pushed apart by the white flesh of the banana. What more need be said? In the collection's final photograph she is wearing a swimsuit and staring provocatively at the camera with her thighs open. 14 What are the parents of these girls thinking? What I have discussed above constitutes just a tiny sample of the many "junior idol" photograph collections that are currently in circulation. A solid market for these sorts of publications has been established, and they are openly sold in normal bookstores and online shops. On seeing these sorts of photographs, one cannot help but wonder what the parents of these girls could be thinking. Of course, there are presumably some cases where the girl's parents are deeply in debt or are somehow threatened or coerced. But it is impossible to believe that such circumstances always exist. We can only speculate 109 about the reasons parents would consent to their children being photographed in this way, but it may be that mothers superimpose themselves on their daughters, who as "idols" will presumably enjoy public adulation and the glow of the mass media spotlight, and in doing so vicariously experience a feeling of achievement as a woman. But what about these girls' fathers? Do they not object to this sexual treatment of their daughters? If we consider the age of fathers with nineto fourteen-yearold daughters, however, they will presumably be somewhere in their late thirties to mid-forties. That's right – the same age group as the man arrested on suspicion of looking up the skirts of high school students and the man sent to prison for paying a twelve-year-old girl for sex mentioned earlier. In other words, there is a possibility that the fathers of these girls are lolicon men. These fathers themselves may be turned on by these photographs of their daughters. Considered in this light, the situation is extremely disturbing. The parents make no objection and the girls themselves are happy to have their pictures taken. The reach of "junior idol" photo collections and DVDs will thus presumably expand and continue to drive the loliconification of society as a whole. 15 People who flock to "child pornography in disguise" The phenomenon discussed above is currently limited to a certain type of photography collection, but in the future its range may expand to include the 110 mainstream media. Morning Musume has already opened this door. With lolicon having permeated teachers, scholars, film directors, and people in other such influential professions, and taken hold among men in the age group that forms the central pillar of Japanese society, it feels as though there may even be no going back. What is to be done if lolicon has deeply and silently penetrated the men whose age gives them social responsibility for advocating and embodying social norms? Of course, even today there are more explicit photographs and videos of the sexual abuse of young girls circulating below the surface of this society. These images violate the human rights of the girls involved in their creation, and have the potential to lead the inveterate lolicon men who buy them to further criminal acts. Pornography depicting the sexual abuse of young girls must be strictly prohibited. This is something I would like to make absolutely clear before proceeding any further. Having said this, what I would like to focus on in this chapter involves a force that is promoting the loliconification of society by a completely different route. This is the force that disseminates, in the form of perfectly legal photography collections and TV programs that on the surface carry no hint of sexuality, the kind of subliminal sexual presentation of young girls I have described, and, without running afoul of any laws, engages in large scale advertising of these "big hits," openly marketing and selling this "child pornography in disguise." 111 As our society values freedom of expression and freedom of taste, as long as no young girls are actually being sexually abused it is difficult to regulate these products. The result of this is a structure in which many men quietly draw shameful sexual pleasure out of works that on the surface bear no sign of being child pornography. This is the scheme I see when I look at projects like Morning Musume. I cannot see it as "the story of a group of happy and cheerful young girls learning to sing and dance." We who have an internal psychological response to this "child pornography in disguise" and seek sexual gratification on the sly while saying, "Aren't those girls cute?" must take a hard look at ourselves. 16 The loliconification of society won't stop!? So far we have looked at books of photographs and DVDs, but the same state of affairs can also be observed on the Internet. For example, there is a certain site that offers access to photographs and videos of girls under fifteen years of age for a fee. The youngest girls featured are ten years old. The images include photographs of girls in school uniforms and swimwear, and here too girls can be seen wearing makeup. In the title sequence of the sample video, a girl in a school swimsuit, her thighs open, is shown from the waist down, and the message being sent to viewers is extremely direct. Another related site also markets girls under fifteen, and once again the youngest girls shown are ten years old. These Internet sites are not so112 called "adult" websites. Anybody can view them without restriction, and their presentation is clean and cute. The models appear to be Japanese "junior idols." Recently, even photography collections of the sort I have discussed are often sold together with a DVD. It would seem that going forward there are various routes by which videos of young girls will be disseminated for sexually oriented consumption. This is how things stood as of the summer of 2004. The entertainment industry changes very quickly, so the specific circumstances surrounding the commoditization of young girls can shift in a very short period of time. The viewing of young girls in a sexual light, however, seems certain to continue for the foreseeable future without any fundamental change. What will happen if the degree to which "child pornography in disguise" permeates the mainstream media steadily increases? For one thing, it seems likely that these girls will be troubled when they become adults and realize the meaning of what they did as children. This is a major problem that is not openly addressed. Second, just by watching normal TV programs and reading normal magazines, men will be subjected to a barrage of stimulation from this "child pornography in disguise," and as a result, even men who do not acquire actual child pornography will gradually and unknowingly develop a sexual sensitivity to young girls. There is thus a danger that the loliconification of society as a whole will continue unabated, with ever larger markets for products related to young girls being created and ever more skillful 113 schemes of stimulation being implemented. Section 3 Why Do Lolicon Men Desire Young Girls? 17 Analyzing the thoughts and desires of lolicon men Now let us attempt to look inside the minds of people with lolicon, because the causes of this phenomenon are to be found not only within society but also within the minds of the individuals who experience it. In order to bring these causes to light, I will attempt to dispassionately analyze the lolicon feelings I myself have experienced. In The Frequently Occurring Prostitution of Young Girls: Men Who Buy Children (Tahatsusuru Shojyokaishun: Kodomo wo Kau Otoko, Shinhyōron, 2001), Setsuko Inoue examines men who buy young girls both in Japan and overseas. In her book she speculates as follows on the reason these men pay young girls for sex: [W]hen a woman cannot build a strong interpersonal relationship with the man to whom she is married, she tries to find a substitute for this in her son, a person of the same gender as her husband, and becomes an "education mama" [a Japanese term for mothers who are obsessed with ensuring their children's educational achievement] who, in the name of 114 what is best for her son, pursues her own selfrealization through her child. While at first glance this behavior may appear to be motivated by love for the child in question, these actions are in fact those of a mother who cannot attain independence stoking her own self-love. As a result, in order to sever this emotional connection with their mothers, these sons try to protect themselves by engaging in behaviors that separate love from sex. One of these behaviors is engaging in child prostitution. (pp.79-80) This alone, however, does not explain why these men turn to "young girls" rather than "adult women." Elsewhere Inoue writes that "men who like cute little girls are themselves childish and immature" (p.79), but this seems to be a weak explanation of why the sexuality of these men is focused on little girls (Inoue's focus on a son's separation from his mother in her investigation of the cause of child prostitution is interesting, however, and I will return to it later). Steady progress has been made in research on men who sexually abuse young girls. One of the things this has brought to light is the existence of a "cycle of abuse" in which men who were sexually abused as children go on to sexually abuse young girls when they grow up. Other psychological factors such as leading an isolated lifestyle and having an underdeveloped self have also been identified (see, for example, Chapter Five of Yoshiyuki Ishikawa's Sexual Abuse by Relatives (Shinzoku ni yoru Seigyakutai, Minerva Shobo, 2004). 115 This kind of work must continue in order to reduce the number of young girls who become victims of sexual abuse, but one troubling aspect this of research is that its focus is almost entirely limited to men who have actually committed sex crimes. What I want to address in this book is the psychology of men who have never committed a sex crime but nevertheless carry lolicon thoughts and desires in their minds. The issue I want to examine is that the large number of men whose lolicon does not take them as far as breaking the law are promoting the loliconification of society and creating an environment in which young girls become objects of sexual consumption. 18 The "dangerous" cuteness of young girls So what does lolicon feel like? Men who have abducted young girls have sometimes stated that they took them "because they were cute." I can understand this feeling well. Girls in elementary school and junior high school are unfailingly cute, at least when seen from a distance. And this "cuteness" already contains a sexual element, because for me the feeling of "cuteness" elicited by a young girl is clearly different from the feeling of "cuteness" elicited by a young boy of the same age. When it comes to boys there is a straightforward feeling of "isn't he cute!", but when it comes to girls, in addition to this sort of feeling there is also the sense of a "dangerous" cuteness that cannot easily be put into words. This awareness of a "dangerous" cuteness comes from something being shaken deep within me, and 116 intuitively it seems that it must be something sexual. As I have already noted, lolicon men seem to most desire girls around the age of eleven or twelve. This corresponds to girls in their last year of elementary school and first year of junior high school. While this age marks the peak of desirability, the range of girls that lolicon men may be attracted to extends roughly from nine to fourteen. In the photography collections discussed above, girls of nine and eleven years of age wear makeup and clearly noticeable lipstick. And in photos of them in their swimsuits and other outfits, they adopt the same sorts of sexy poses and expressions normally used by adult idols. What should we make of this? Sometimes girls around this age put on their mother's lipstick and pretend to be grown-up, and one interpretation would be that these photographs are a depiction of this sort of behavior. But this cannot be anything more than a poor excuse offered by those who produce these images. Another interpretation is that making these elementary school students look like adult women implicitly signals that it is OK to have sex with them. This message appeals directly to the sexual interest of lolicon men, and accurately expresses the intentions of the producers of the photographs. The use of adult makeup such as mascara is saying to the viewer, "this girl is still a child, but you can treat her like an adult woman." Lipstick, adult makeup, and provocative poses are all forms of "impression management" (deception through appearance) designed to raise the perceived age of the young girl in question. 117 Conversely, there are also "lolicon photos" taken using models that are over eighteen, and in such cases an exactly opposite phenomenon occurs; "impression management" is used to make the models appear as though they might be very young. These girls are photographed with braided hair, hardly any make-up, and intentionally innocent expressions. These models' bodies are inevitably adult in shape, and this adultness must be obscured and their apparent age lowered through their hairstyle and clothing. As for how far this reverse aging is intended to go, for the most part these girls appear as though they might be junior high school students. 19 The meaning of "secondary sex characteristics" So what is the significance of this age of eleven to twelve years old? What I would like to focus on here is the fact that this is the age when girls begin to show "secondary sex characteristics" and is also the average age at which girls begin to menstruate. Both of these facts are deeply significant, and I will address each of them in turn. Secondary sex characteristics arise when gonadotropins are released by the pituitary gland and a child's body transforms into that of an adult. In the case of girls their breasts grow larger, their bodies become more curvaceous, and their waists begin to narrow in comparison with their hips. For example, a certain website that sells photographs of girls under fifteen features the 118 following text about a twelve-year-old girl I will refer to as "A": "Her eyes look straight ahead, emitting the light possessed only by young girls who remain unsullied. This earnest charm made me feel 'she really is still a child,' but on the other hand her slightly averted gaze when she posed in her school swimsuit and her slightly melancholy look in her school uniform gave me a foreshadowing of her transformation into an adult woman that made me very excited." The following was written about the ten-year-old "T" on a different website: "But looking at this girl's face and silhouette without focusing too sharply, it seems that before much time has passed she will begin climbing the stairway out of girlhood, and I felt as though these photographs might just have captured this exquisite moment." What can be seen from these descriptions is the obsessionlike desire on the part of the creators of these photography collections to witness the transformation from girl to woman occurring in eleven and twelveyear-old girls. It would seem that this desire is also shared by the people who buy these books of lolicon photography. In other words, lolicon men have a strange fixation on the moment of transformation when a girl becomes a woman. They are not fixated on "grown-up women" but rather the "moment" at which an adult woman comes into being. So why do they feel such a strong attraction to this moment of transformation? Feminism may see a cause of this obsession in patriarchies that place a special value on the possession of virgins, but I would like to look at it from a different angle. 119 Secondary sex characteristics arise during the period in which girls' bodies become "feminine" and boys' bodies become "masculine." The state of affairs before secondary sex characteristics begin to emerge is thus one in which the bodies of boys and girls, while their reproductive organs differ, are quite similar in size and general appearance. Statistics show that up until around the sixth year of elementary school the average height of boys is almost exactly the same as that of girls (146 cm for sixth-graders). At this point in their development most boys have not yet acquired much muscle and most girls' bodies are still skinny and linear. In fact, during this period, a boy dressed up in female clothing could pass for a cute girl. In Japan there used to be a custom of dressing young boys in the sort of attire normally worn by women. And since at this age boys' voices have not yet begun to change, there is little discernible difference between the voices of male and female children. There may of course be differences in behavior and ways of playing between boys and girls, but when it comes to children's bodies themselves there does not seem to be a pronounced difference between the sexes. While boys and girls at this age are well aware of the differences between their bodies, compared to the split that occurs when secondary sex characteristics begin to appear these differences are negligibly small. Considering customs like dressing boys in the clothing of the opposite sex, it can be suggested that at this age both boys and girls have a seemingly "unisex" body (a body of 120 undifferentiated sex) that could still become either male or female. It is the emergence of secondary sex characteristics, triggered by the release of gonadotropins, that all at once transforms this unisex body into either a "female body" or a "male body." From a state of affairs like that of a bud whose ultimate form is unknown, a "male body" or "female body" suddenly blossoms. Images of puberty of this kind are evocatively depicted in many books and movies. It is an experience everyone can relate to. A young girl is a being who, at the point of puberty's bifurcation into "man" or "woman," is attempting to bend itself towards the body of a woman. Lolicon men are those who carry aspirations toward girls in this state and fixate on them. So why are these men so interested in this moment when a child begins to turn towards the "female side"? 20 The idea of having grown into a "man's body" by mistake I will use my own case as an example. There is an idea that has settled at the bottom of my consciousness. This idea is that at the point of bifurcation during puberty I may have taken the wrong path. Perhaps I was supposed to have blossomed into a "female body" but by some mistake I took a wrong turn toward the "body of a man," or, to put it more accurately, I was forcibly compelled to take the path leading to the body of an adult male without my conscious will having any 121 say in the matter. This is the sort of thing you often hear from people with gender identity disorder. I would speculate, however, that a much wider range of men are also able to understand this feeling. As for why I have this idea of having grown into a man's body by mistake, I think it is because ever since I hit puberty and my body began to change I have been unable to affirm myself as a being with a "man's body." As my body became that of an adult, it began to produce male hormones, grow muscles, acquire a more rugged, angular shape, grow more hair, and dirty itself with seminal fluid, and a strange odor began to emanate from somewhere inside me. That I was becoming this sort of body was something I could not accept at all during my adolescence. Even now I cannot honestly say that I am really happy to have the body of a man. Of course there is nothing to be done about it now, but I suspect there are in fact many men who feel as I do. They have perhaps remained silent about it because it is an extremely difficult thing to say out loud. They also probably try not to think about it very much, as in our society, having sufficient confidence in one's own male body is connected to male honor. Deep down inside me, there is a longing to return to the body I had when I was a young boy, a body that had not yet been transformed by male hormones, muscles, body hair, and semen. There is also a longing to take the other path, if I could, at the point of bifurcation during puberty and make a sharp about-face towards a "female body" that does not have any of these attributes. Deep within my consciousness I ruminate on these 122 longings over and over again. And I am drawn to the bodies of eleven and twelve-year-old girls that stand at puberty's point of bifurcation and are just beginning to turn towards a "female body." I think to myself, "I wish I could have taken that other path like the body of this young girl," and I feel a desire to slip my consciousness into her body and while inhabiting it experience her puberty from the inside. This is how my lolicon mentality arises. Here we see once again the psychological mechanism described at the end of Chapter Three. 21 "I am the young girl, the young girl is me" I wish I could try living in a girl's body. Uniform fetishes and lolicon have this sentiment in common. I am the young girl, the young girl is me. Uniforms and lolicon are the things that can, for a brief moment, make this aberrant fantasy come true. Most men have not spoken about this psychological secret out loud, but there must in fact be many who will immediately understand what I am trying to say. In his well-known book Folklore of Young Girls (Shōjo Minzokugaku, Kōbunsha, 1989), Eiji Ōtsuka writes, "Inside of me, and inside of you, the reader, there is a 'young girl'" (p. 112), and I think the true meaning of this statement must be understood in the sense described above. Regarding the cause of lolicon, my hypothesis is thus that it can be found in lolicon men's inability to affirm their own bodies. In his imagination a lolicon man escapes his own body and secretly transports 123 himself into the body of the young girl in front of him. It is said that most male "otaku" [geeks] are lolicon men, and this hypothesis can explain both why these men tend to be extremely indifferent to their own appearance and why they have a tendency to identify themselves with young girl characters on the Internet (on this identification with young girl characters see Hiroki Azuma, ed., Net Speech Revision F [Mōjyō Genron F Kai], Seidosha, 2003). Through this identification with young girl characters, a male otaku succumbs to the illusion that his appearance is that of a young girl and thus becomes indifferent to how he actually looks to others. I would also suggest that these lolicon men spend a lot of time every day surfing the Internet, looking at magazines, and watching anime in search of bodies of young girls worth transporting themselves into. Mamoru Oshii's animated film Ghost in the Shell (based on a manga series by Masamune Shiro) depicts a world in which a mind or spirit that has lost its own body can move from one new body to the next. The creator of this work calls these replacement bodies "prosthetic bodies" ("gitai" in Japanese), and for lolicon men I suspect that the bodies of young girls or young girl characters appear to be their own "prosthetic bodies" (in this sense, the final scene of Ghost in the Shell can be described as a rendering of a lolicon man's dream come true). With this in mind, the new meaning of "moe" becomes clear. When otaku see a young female anime character or figurine and say they feel "moe," they are 124 saying that they would like to implant themselves within the object of this attraction; they want to "wear" the body of a beautiful young girl. It is thus the wearing of a young girl's body that constitutes the core of an otaku's "moe." A transvestite wears women's clothing, but a lolicon man wears a young girl's body. Here I would like to mention The Murder of Childhood (Penguin Books, 1995), a book by Tim Tate and Ray Wyre about a British sex criminal named Robert Black. Black was reputed to have sexually abused hundreds of girls and killed at least a few of his victims. One very interesting passage reads as follows: But tucked away at the end of the section, question 27 and 28 asked whether Black had ever enjoyed transvestism or sought to be a transsexual. Slowly he nodded. As to transvestism, he had sometimes dressed himself in little girls' clothes. And as to seeking out the life of a transsexual, Black simply recorded: 'Yes. I always wanted to dress up as a girl.' . . . The second, and in some ways corollary, force was a powerful yearning not to be what he was, a young boy growing into a man. He would far rather have been born a girl: certainly he did not want, much less like, his own penis. (pp. 8586) In the mind of this lolicon criminal, the authors discovered a reluctance to become an "adult man" and a strong desire to have been born a girl. This agrees 125 with what I have asserted so far. Tate and Wyre, however, do not seek a more penetrating explanation of why these feelings exist. I must go beyond their analysis and conduct a deeper investigation. I suspect there will be critics who dismiss analysis such as that I have engaged in above as pertaining only to the lolicon tendencies of feeble "weaklings" who failed to become "real men." But how would they explain the fact that a sense of having not wanted to become a man and a desire to have been able to experience being a girl has also been found in the mind of a brutal murderer like Black? It seems clear that a similar structure exists in the minds of lolicon men regardless of whether they are "well built" or physically weak. I am sure there are also some readers who would doubt my account and suggest that, far from being unable to affirm their own bodies, most men on the contrary think too highly of their own powerful physiques, and it is because of this that they view women with contempt and commit rape. I will analyze these points in greater detail while referencing my own case in the next chapter. 22 What wriggles at the deepest level of the desire for young girls We have seen that lolicon superimposes a wish to have been able to take the path towards a female body on top of young girls on the verge of making this transition from the unisex body of a child to that of an 126 adult woman. This alone, however, cannot explain why lolicon men attempt to become "sexually" involved with young girls, and why they are "sexually" aroused by their photographs, because if superimposing themselves on the body of a young girl is all they want then simply fantasizing about transporting themselves into a girl's body and being absorbed in that delusion while having a cup of tea should satisfy them. It should be enough to quietly savor this kind of fantasy as one might enjoy sitting in the South of France and taking in the beautiful scenery depicted in Van Gogh's landscapes. But the lolicon feeling I myself have actually experienced is not so calm and gentle. There is a shameful, thrilling sensation, as though sex with a young girl were always tacitly being assumed from the start. As I stated earlier, since I experience the same feelings towards a young girl that I feel during sexual contact with an adult woman, I cannot help but admit that ultimately these fantasies terminate in sexual intercourse and ejaculation. To unravel this further, let us recall what has been pointed out so far. "Secondary sex characteristics" appear in girls between the ages of eleven and twelve. This age range is nearly identical to the "average age of first menstruation." I have already sufficiently examined "secondary sex characteristics," so here I would like to focus my investigation on the "average age of first menstruation." From this perspective, lolicon men exhibit a strange attachment to the age at which girls normally 127 menstruate for the first time. What is the significance of this? A girl getting her first period means she is capable of becoming pregnant. Her body is now able to take semen from a man, combine it with an egg, and conceive a child. Presumably this is what lolicon men are fixated on. Now I will attempt to enter the deepest levels of lolicon desires. Please read the following as nothing more than a single hypothesis aimed at better understanding lolicon. I think that what is hidden in the deepest level of the minds of lolicon men like me is a desire to be the first to insert their semen into a young girl who has now become capable of ovulation and make her pregnant by combining her egg with their sperm. So whose child would be born if this happened? Let us think about it one more time. What do I see in the young girl in front of me? The answer is already clear. In the young girl's body in front of me I see nothing other than an image of myself. In the body I am looking at, I see an image of "another me" that would have become a cute young girl if by some quirk of fate I had gone the other way at the point of bifurcation during puberty. If this is the case, then my desire to have the young girl I am looking at give birth to my child is actually a desire to have "another me," in the form of the young girl, give birth to my child. I want a child created by the synthesis of my sperm and the egg of another me. This would indeed be nothing other than my own rebirth; a 128 new me born without the intervention of anyone else other than me. This is the drama that unfolds at the deepest levels of my consciousness when I feel a desire to have sex with a young girl and ejaculate inside her. And this sexual intercourse must occur at the point of pubescent bifurcation when she is just beginning to turn down the path to the other side, because it was at this decisive moment I took the wrong path toward a "male body" and only by thus starting over again from this bifurcation will I have the opportunity to affirm myself. In other words, what is in the back of my mind is a desire to have sex with "another me" in the form of a young girl and in doing so give birth to myself once again without the intervention of anyone else. 23 Why do I want "myself" to be reborn? So what kind of self-affirmation could be achieved by having sex with a young girl and giving birth to myself once again? My thoughts on this are as follows. Since the new me would be conceived using my sperm and my egg and would be born out of my own belly, this newly reborn me would be completely cut off from any external "mother." It would be "I," not my "mother," who gave birth to this me, and there would in fact be no "mother" involved in my birth. By giving birth to myself, I would be able to affirm my existence in a way that has no connection to a "mother." I would thereby be able to completely separate myself from any kind of "mother." This sort of drama is being played out 129 inside lolicon men like me. It is often said that men who cannot psychologically separate from their mothers become "lolicon men" (for example, one proposed explanation of lolicon is that men whose wives rebuff their demands for mothering may try to have these needs met by their daughters. See Yoshiyuki Ishikawa's Sexual Abuse by Relatives, p. 243). But does this explanation not have it completely backwards? Is lolicon not in fact an attempt, in the convoluted manner outlined above, to achieve a separation from one's "mother"? There are certain things that come to mind when the phenomenon is considered in this way. I first came to know lolicon feelings directly when I was around twenty years old. At that time, so-called "lolicon magazines" and "lolicon manga" were beginning to be available at bookstores, it wasn't until I reached this age that I suddenly started to pay attention to them. I first left the countryside and came to live on my own in Tokyo around this time, and it was a period of sudden self-awakening for me. For the first time in my life I was attempting to stand on my own two feet. And I began to fight with my mother. I will refrain from discussing the specifics here, but it was when I began fighting with my mother and severed my ties with her that lolicon feelings, as if to replace her, arose within me. In other words, the struggle with my real mother was over but the battle with "mother" as an abstract concept took the form of lolicon and continued within me after that. If you really want to understand the feelings of 130 lolicon men, I think you must attempt to understand psychological mechanisms of this kind from the inside. It is wholly inadequate to simply view this phenomenon as sexual violence committed against weak young girls by immature men who cannot obtain an adult female partner. Yukiko Hayami's Men Who Cannot Love, for example, contains interesting reportage on lolicon men, but seems unable to break free of this prevailing picture of immature, "mother complex" men abusing young girls who cannot put up much resistance. Of course, it goes without saying that the "rebirth theory" I have proposed cannot explain everything either. This hypothesis should, however, offer one means of more deeply elucidating the lolicon mind. I have said that the ultimate goal of lolicon men like me is to transport ourselves into the body of a cute young girl who is at the point of pubescent bifurcation, live inside it, savor the experience of being inside it to our heart's content, dress it up in various outfits and interact with other people from within it, be treated gently as something precious by other people, and come to truly love our own bodies. I then want to ejaculate into the girl's womb from inside her, become pregnant, and give birth to myself. By doing this I will finally be able to escape from my mother's sphere of influence. I will become an entity born of myself, and in doing so obtain absolute freedom without ever needing to be subordinate to anyone. I will obtain the physical ideal of the body of a young girl, feel self-affirmation towards my own body, and also obtain the internal 131 freedom of psychological independence. The world will bless me, I will bless myself, and my existence will become one of perfect self-fulfillment and satisfaction. But I cannot attain self-affirmation by clinging to this conceptual drama – life is not that easy. Lolicon results in a self-enclosed world in which this convoluted drama of self-affirmation is repeated over and over again like a tape playing in an endless loop. It is I who impregnate, it is I who am impregnated, and it is I who am given birth to. It is a self-centered labyrinth of extreme self-reference with no way out. A flesh and blood young girl is used as nothing more than a trigger or prosthetic body; once she is no longer needed she is to be discarded. She is also to be molested, abused, commoditized, and subjected to severe trauma. These are the consequences of lolicon. There is indeed no escaping them.

Chapter 5 Moving Beyond Being a "Frigid Man" Section 1 The Experience of "Ejaculation" and the Sense of Self-negation 1 "Men's bodies are dirty!" My investigations thus far have revealed two fundamental problems that exist within me. The first is that "I am frigid," and the second is that "I cannot affirm my own body." Ill fruits such as an attraction to miniskirts, a uniform fetish, and lolicon have flourished in this soil. There is an incident I keep coming back to when thinking about these issues. It occurred at a meeting of a certain group. There were about twenty men and a few women in the room, and we were discussing issues like prostitution. The participants talked frankly about their own experiences and engaged in discussion in a relaxed atmosphere. One middle-aged man revealed that he sometimes hired prostitutes. There was a moment of tension, but without anyone criticizing him, those in attendance then began to talk about the nature of a desire to hire a prostitute. The discussion turned 134 towards pornographic videos. When someone was talking about how a woman's naked body is sexually arousing, one of the women in the group asked, "What about a man's naked body?" Immediately the man who had admitted to hiring prostitutes exclaimed, "But men's bodies are dirty!" As soon as I heard this, I felt as though something had suddenly become clear to me. At the root of behaviors like buying women and becoming obsessed with pornography, there is a powerful sense that one's own body, one's male body, is dirty. This could be said, I thought, not just of this particular man but also of a majority of men. Reflecting on my own feelings, it was clear that a sense that my male body was dirty lurked within me as well. To put it more precisely, this is not a sense that male bodies in general are dirty, but that "my own body," which is male, is dirty. I now suspect that in my case this awareness transformed itself into an urge to get out of my body and slip into the body of a young girl, and this in turn ultimately led to my lolicon and uniform fetish. In the case of the man discussed above, it seems that this same awareness led him to pursue pornography and sex with prostitutes. When he said, "But men's bodies are dirty!" I thought to myself, "That's right, they are." Body hair grows thickly, the color of the skin is bad, bones jut too prominently, and muscles bulge grotesquely. There is a penis and pubic hair around it, both dirtied by semen. I have an unavoidable sense that my body is extremely dirty. 135 2 The origin of the "my body is dirty" feeling When I analyze my own psychological mechanisms more carefully, the following picture emerges. When I feel that my body is dirty, the part I perceive as being the dirtiest is the area around my penis. To put it more bluntly, it is the area around my penis after semen has been released, because after I have ejaculated, whether during sex or masturbation, some semen always remains stuck to this part of my body. I have to wipe this semen off afterwards. This is when I find my body most dirty. I feel dirty in this situation because the act of wiping off my genitals brings me back to when I first started having wet dreams as a junior high school student. One morning I woke up to a strange feeling between my thighs and the presence of a white, sticky substance. I didn't know what to do. In the end I had to wipe the semen off with a tissue but I couldn't get the stain out of my underwear. I continued to periodically have wet dreams even after I had learned to masturbate. I always woke up at the moment I was ejaculating in the dream. When this happened my first thought would be that I had soiled my underwear again. Wiping off the area between my thighs with a tissue as I rubbed my sleepy eyes and going to the basin to wash my dirty underwear were painful experiences. No matter how many times I washed them, I could not get the yellowish stain out of my underwear. Even though I made a point of masturbating before I went to sleep to avoid wet dreams, there were nights when I had them anyway. 136 My experience of wet dreams gave rise to a sense that "my body is dirty." Presumably, my mother noticed what was happening, but she didn't say anything. I thus had no choice but to face my sexual awakening on my own as a junior high school student. At school, boys whispered about wet dreams amongst themselves. But there was no serious counseling. I can still clearly remember one of my friends saying, "Hey, is something bothering you?" when I was standing on the classroom veranda looking out at the schoolyard and wishing I could give up being a man. I had to face the experience of my first ejaculation, the central event in the emergence of male secondary sex characteristics, in a state of complete isolation. I had to deal with these things on my own, with neither the opportunity nor the inclination to discuss them with anyone else. I could not affirm having been born into a body that had to have wet dreams, and I could not affirm my own body that was changing inexorably into that of a man. I now think that the experience of having wet dreams is very important for boys. The starting point of sex education for boys should be how they can welcome their first ejaculation positively (listening to the accounts of other men, it seems that some men experience their first ejaculation in a wet dream like I did, while others ejaculate for the first time while masturbating). So what about girls? Even today some mothers cook "red rice" to celebrate their daughter's first period. In any case, when a girl begins to menstruate, this is 137 accepted by those around her and considered a blessing. This is how girls begin their sexual maturation. When boys begin to have wet dreams, on the other hand, this fact itself is completely disregarded by those around them. Everyone vaguely senses that it is happening, but no one will talk about it out loud. Boys deal with their wet dreams on their own, ignored by everyone around them, and as a result, there is a danger that negative feelings about their bodies will take root inside them. When I presented this idea at a seminar, one of the women in attendance pointed out that when a girl's first period is celebrated it is only her ability to give birth to a child and become a mother that is being recognized as a blessing. I agree that this is indeed the case. When it comes to boys, however, their wet dreams are not celebrated as a blessing even in this sense, and for this I think they are to be pitied. 3 My masturbation experiences Around this time I started to masturbate. I would masturbate while imagining erotic scenes or remembering erotic images from manga I had read, but after ejaculation my arousal would quickly dissipate and a feeling of regret would begin to grow within me. I should have stopped doing it because I always felt regret afterwards, but during my junior high and high school years my libido was incredibly powerful. Sexual urges would well up inside me like lava inside a volcano, and there was nothing I could do about it. If I went to bed without masturbating I would have a wet dream. 138 As a result I masturbated before going to bed. This was a vicious circle. And to escape the depressing feelings that followed ejaculation, I would try to fall asleep as quickly as possible. In this way the "frigid man" sexuality of "quickly releasing something that has built up" was constructed inside me. It was through masturbating in junior high and high school that I fully realized I was "frigid." In the pornography I began to read around that time, adult women writhed with a pleasure so powerful it rendered them delirious, and in comparison my own experience of ejaculation was distressingly pedestrian. I was confronted by this disparity every time I masturbated. I once attempted to escape from this situation by ceasing to masturbate. I think it was around the time I entered university that I decided to stop masturbating and endure the ensuing sexual frustration. After a while I had a wet dream, but I continued to refrain from masturbating. I had another wet dream. I managed to keep this up for about a month, but at that point it became impossible to endure. A strange odor began to emanate from my body, and it was impossible to suppress the urge to ejaculate any longer. The sensation I had at that time of something lava-like welling up inside my body is something that can in no way be explained by social constructionism (the view that social phenomena, human behaviors, and ways of feeling are socially constructed). Many times I thought to myself, "If only there were some medicine that could get rid of these sexual urges." And I began to yearn for a chance, if it were possible, to 139 go back to the time in junior high school when I started masturbating and having wet dreams, and relive the moment of bifurcation between male and female in the other direction. I suspect that my uniform fetish and lolicon grew out of this yearning. I felt that it would be impossible for me to ever affirm my own body and sexuality unless I could go back to that time and relive the moment differently. In short, the dirtiness of my semen when I had a wet dream led to the formation of a sense that "my body is dirty," and the feeling of emptiness that followed ejaculation led to the awareness that "I am frigid." As a result of these two factors, I became unable to affirm myself. 4 Ejaculation: a fundamental event for men There may be some readers who find it difficult to believe I cannot affirm my body as a whole and my own sexuality just because of semen stains on my underwear and a feeling of emptiness after ejaculation. But I think the event of "ejaculation" has sufficient power to determine how a man thinks and feels about sex. The erect penis, referred to as "the phallus," has come to be thought of as the most powerful symbol of manhood. But I think that "ejaculation" is perhaps more essential to men than "erection." There must be many psychological problems that can be better clarified by viewing "ejaculation" rather than "erection" as being of central importance. Looking back at my childhood, I started getting 140 erections in the upper years of elementary school. I can remember talking innocently with other boys about how that part of our bodies got hard and increased in size. But at that time, secondary sex characteristics had not yet arrived. My body still had its unisex mien. It was after I had entered junior high school and started ejaculating that my body took a sharp turn towards that of a "man." As a result of the male hormones that had begun to course powerfully throughout my entire body, my body hair began to grow and my voice changed. When my body began to radically transform itself from unisex to "male," it is not "erection" but "ejaculation" that most accurately symbolized this transformation. It seems to me that for an adolescent man it is indeed "ejaculation" that is the most powerful symbol of the fact that he is a man. And it was this "ejaculation" that I could not accept affirmatively. It was because of this stumbling block that I was not able to love my body that was becoming that of a man as a whole. This is the reason I cannot love my own body. Section 2 How Did I Become a "Frigid Man"? 5 Birth of a "macho" man What did I do when I fully realized I was unable to love my own body? To fill the emotional void inside myself I turned to "masculinity." Since I couldn't become a "woman," in order to be able to affirm myself 141 as a man I had to make the body I had more "masculine." And not only my body but also my mind and behavior had to become more "virile." If I could succeed in achieving this, I would surely be able to affirm my own body and sexuality. This was how I thought about it at the time. I felt like a drowning man grasping at straws. I began to heavily apply "make-up" to my mind and body. I tried to paint over and cover up the parts I didn't like. In this way, I constructed a man who pretended to be completely confident in his body and his sexuality even though he did not love himself. This was the birth of a "macho" man. The process by which I came to grasp at "masculinity" may be quite particular to me. What I will describe next may not apply to most of my male readers. I will take the liberty of writing about it anyway, however, because it played a very important role in the formation of the person I am today. I hope male readers, if their experience was different from mine, will think about what happened in their own case and how they themselves went about becoming "masculine" and "confident." The study of sexuality based on one's own experiences can only begin with each individual engaging in this kind of introspection. We must not demand answers that apply to everyone at once. 6 Approaches from gay men and older women When I entered university and began living alone, I 142 tried to escape from the world of masturbation and wet dreams. I looked for opportunities to meet women, wandering the streets and participating in "gōkon" [a kind of group date, usually involving five or six members of each sex]. What I encountered, however, was a series of completely unforeseen events. I wanted to go out with girls my own age, but they showed no interest in me. The people who did show sexual interest in me were gay men and older women. I was bewildered. My first approach from a gay man was quite intense. I had skipped class and gone to see a movie in Shibuya. Soon after the film started a man sat down beside me. Just as I was thinking that this was a bit strange, since there were many empty seats in the theater, the man began to slowly press his leg against mine. When I, not understanding what was happening, tried to shift away from him, he pushed up against me even harder. Panicked, I stood up and fled to the theater's balcony. That was my first experience of sexual contact with another person. My first sexual contact coming in the form of unwanted touching in a public place was quite a shocking experience (incidentally, the film I had gone to see was Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid). This experience has allowed me to understand, if only to some small degree, the anxiety and trauma suffered by women who are groped on trains. For a while after this incident, I would immediately get up whenever a man sat down beside me on a train or in another public place. Having a man sitting beside me produced an unbearable anxiety. 143 But this incident was nothing more than a prelude to the advances from gay men I was to receive later. At a bar I was approached by a man I did not know who straight away asked me to go to a hotel with him. Even at university I was abruptly handed a long love letter from another male student; line after line he spelled out his passionate feelings in meticulous handwriting. Among such incidents there was one that was particularly intense. It happened when I was attending a research meeting in a suburb of Tokyo. I was riding a bus from the train station to the location of the meeting. The number of people on the bus gradually declined until finally only I and one other male passenger remained. I got off at the penultimate stop, after which a ten-minute walk along a riverside embankment would bring me to my destination. I walked along the picturesque riverbank. There was no one else around. It was a sunny afternoon. Suddenly I heard the sound of rapid footsteps approaching. The footsteps got closer until they were right behind me. I looked over my shoulder. The man who had remained on the bus until my stop was walking behind me. He leaned in close to my ear and said, "How about joining me for a cup of coffee?" We were the only ones on the embankment. I felt a chill run down my spine. "No, thank you," I said. He stopped walking and before I knew it he had disappeared. I kept walking along the embankment without looking back. My heart was pounding. I was afraid. It was frightening for me to be pursued in this way. Of course, looking back on it afterwards, I felt as 144 though I had treated him badly. It must have taken a lot of courage for him to come up and speak to me. But more than guilt, I felt fear to think that I was being targeted from places unknown and that this targeting was sexual in nature. Here I would like to state once again that I do not have any negative feelings toward gay men; I have met many homosexuals and I know from personal experience that they are normal men who can be found in all walks of life. In almost all cases, there is nothing that noticeably sets them apart from straight men. For this reason, I hate the prejudice and discrimination against gays that can often be seen on television and elsewhere in this society. (Sexual harassment and assault must not be permitted, of course, regardless of whether or not the perpetrator is gay). 7 The misapprehension that men must be "hunters" Returning to my original topic, through these experiences I was forced to acknowledge that I was a "pursued body." At the time, this was extremely difficult for me to bear; I was supposed to become a man who "pursues women," but instead I was being pursued by gay men. I was occasionally approached by women, but they were always quite a bit older than me. And when I tried to approach women around my own age, they were almost completely unresponsive to my advances. The fact that I was a pursued body weighed heavily on me. I had to transform myself from a body that was 145 targeted to a body that targeted others. I believed without question in the prevailing idea that men should be "hunters." I therefore had to become more "masculine." Up until that time my extremely skinny body had not developed much in the way of muscles, but by doing simple physical training every night before going to bed, I managed to gradually put a little more meat on my bones. Thanks to this training I became able to swim the breaststroke. I was generally quite passive in my dealings with other people, but I thought it was necessary to be able to take the lead with women so I resolved to become better at being the one to suggest things and make decisions. I studied maps of good restaurants and bars to take women on dates and read books on how to please women during sex. In this way I ploughed ahead towards my goal of becoming a "macho man" with a "body that pursues." I wanted to be a man who could make clear declarations about things, not one who was weak and irresolute. I wanted to become a man who could invite others rather than waiting for someone to invite him. I thought I had to obtain the composure and enough money to be able to suavely pay for everything rather than sharing the check. I thought I had to become the kind of person who is never timid and who remains calm and imposing no matter what happens. Without doing this, it would be impossible to attract women. And in the event I managed to find a girl and get married, I would have to become a "head of the household" who could support and protect his family. 146 I tried to turn myself into the kind of man who is always capable of taking the lead when it comes to his relationships with women. I tried to become the kind of man who can please women and make them happy. This is what I thought "masculinity" was. And in order to convince myself that my body was not dirty, I also began to pay attention to how I dressed. In this way, a man was constructed who, although he secretly still bore his "frigidity" and "self-rejection," skillfully presented himself as though he were completely confident in his own body and sexuality. As early as my twenties, I had already become a fully formed "frigid man." (This personality was later to be demolished through a complicated process, and I encourage those interested in how this came about to read Painless Civilization (Mutsū Bunmei Ron, Transview, 2003). 8 What are "frigid men" like? Up until now, I have used the terms "frigid man" and "male frigidity" with similar meanings, but here I would like to make a clear distinction. "Frigid men" are men who, while carrying "male frigidity" and "selfnegation" hidden within themselves, avoid acknowledging these traits as much as possible and behave as if they did not exist. Here I would like to take a moment to briefly summarize some of what I have said about "frigid men" thus far. A frigid man suffers from male frigidity. If he could 147 accept this condition as it is, he would be better off, but in practice he is unable to do so. He attempts to ignore it as much as possible and thinks it may be possible to find astounding sexual pleasure elsewhere. A "frigid man" thinks his body is dirty. He is thus unable to love his own body and sometimes wishes he could escape from it. He also thinks he might be able to love himself if he could become more "masculine." This kind of sexuality casts a dark shadow over his relationship with women. To begin with, he knows he cannot surpass women when it comes to feeling pleasure so he tries to dominate and control their pleasure in order to place himself above them. By dominating women he attempts to attain a sense of superiority that will cancel out his frigidity. Strangely, it is experienced as a kind of healing. But when this domination fails, he begins to have a desire to punish and take revenge on women who are capable of feeling pleasure. This is when the urge to rape arises. And when the desire to escape from his own dirty, frigid body becomes stronger, uniform fetishes and lolicon tendencies begin to emerge. This is discussed in greater detail in the preceding chapters. The result of this process is men who use women for their own ends by foisting their own self-centered images and desires upon them. While on the inside these men are full of insecurities and self-negation, outwardly they may appear to be full of confidence, sympathetic to women, or wear an expression that says, "I too am being hurt." And when a problem arises they do not try to directly face women to solve the problem 148 but instead try to discard them cold-bloodedly and onesidedly. For these men, the image of a fantasy woman on which they are fixated is more important than the flesh and blood women they meet in real life. This imaginary woman has no will or feelings of her own and is thus easy to control. So why are frigid men a problem? First, if their desires get out of control, there is a danger of their committing rape or sexual crimes against young girls. We must fully acknowledge this fact. Second, these men live their lives without being able to affirm themselves or love their own life. I think they normally try not to think about these issues, but at some point, the misery they cause becomes impossible to avoid. Third, there is the risk of their forming unhealthy, twisted relationships with the women they become intimate with. Both parties can end up carrying on with these relationships even though deep down they find them difficult and painful. This is roughly how I see this issue. As I said earlier, I have no idea how many "frigid men" there are. Based on what I see every day, I suspect the number of men who have at least one of the symptoms described in this book is quite large. There are of course many fully formed "frigid men" and many men who have only one foot across this threshold. There are also presumably "frigid men" who have neither a uniform fetish nor lolicon and vice versa. In my case, these conditions happen to overlap, but I suspect this is not something that can be said to hold true in general. Not all lolicon and uniform fetishes, 149 therefore, can be explained by the "desire to escape from one's own dirty, frigid body" hypothesis. This is an area in which future research is needed. Section 3 Begin by Accepting "Male Frigidity" 9 In order to move beyond being a "frigid man" So how are we to move beyond being "frigid men"? I would like to approach this question by considering men who have symptoms similar to mine. To begin with, men like me must frankly acknowledge the "frigidity" of our bodies. We must fully accept that there is nothing to be done about our urination-like ejaculations and post-ejaculation feelings of emptiness. To accept our frigidity is also to accept that we were born biologically male. One approach we can take is to face up to this fact and declare, "I am frigid, but that isn't a problem at all." I definitely suffer from male frigidity, but no treatment is needed. Because the fact that they cannot experience much sexual pleasure is something frigid men cannot accept for what it is, it becomes twisted in strange ways and leads to the emergence of problems like attempts to punish women who can feel pleasure and the desire to hurt oneself or to inhabit the body of a young girl. This is also one of the roots of discrimination against women. There must presumably be a way of preventing 150 these sorts of problems by unreservedly accepting one's own lack of sensation and escaping from the negative feelings that it causes. In order to be able to acknowledge the frigidity that we carry within ourselves, we must somehow find a way to heal our memories of sexual activity that have been scarred by ejaculation. It may be necessary for a frigid man to have a place where he can share his experiences and discuss with other men the fact that he is not the only one who feels misery, emptiness, deep regret, listlessness, and anxiety after ejaculation. We will presumably feel much better if we come to believe that the tendency to have these sorts of sexual feelings is part of what it means to be born into a male body, and that there is thus no need to view our experiences negatively. 10 People who promote ancient sexual techniques There are some people who, taking the opposite approach to mine, assert that if you don't like being frigid you should study sex that enables you to feel true pleasure. They maintain, for example, that true male sexual pleasure can be attained through traditional sex techniques such as those found in Chinese Taoism and Indian Tantra. Here I would like to take a brief look at this approach. In The Multi-orgasmic Man (Thorson, 1996), authors Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams Arava advocate the modern resurrection of traditional Chinese sexual techniques. They draw a distinction 151 between "orgasm" and "ejaculation." They then claim that with practice men can learn to experience "orgasm" many times without "ejaculating." In concrete terms this is done by cultivating inner energy (qi in Chinese) within the body, developing the muscles around the genitals, and using these muscles to prevent the flow of semen when ejaculation seems imminent. In this way you can savor ejaculation-like pleasure without actually emitting semen. By experiencing pleasure without ejaculating over and over again, you will eventually become able to experience ecstasy so powerful it is like your body is becoming one with the universe. They claim that since no semen is expelled, you can avoid the feeling of depletion that follows ejaculation. If you feel unable to hold it in, you can apply pressure with your finger at the base. Charles and Caroline Muir's Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving (Mercury House, 1989) offers an easy to understand introduction to Tantra. They too distinguish between "orgasm" and "ejaculation." Using Tantric sexual techniques it is possible to have sex for as long as you like and regain your erection quickly with little recuperation time required after ejaculation. As a result, once sufficient proficiency is attained, you will be able to have sex that makes you one with the universe. But they do not encourage the physical prevention of ejaculation. On the contrary they state that this may lead to illness. After ejaculation, your penis must be left inside the woman's body for an extended period of time, because through controlling your breathing while remaining in this position, it is 152 possible to suck the sexual energy you have released into her back inside yourself. I understand the motivation of these people who want to resurrect these traditional sexual techniques in the modern era. They presumably intend to somehow provide relief from miserable heterosexual intercourse in which the only aim is male "ejaculation." They seem eager to tell everyone about the amazing experience of a man and a woman coming together to achieve oneness with the universe. I suspect they may also want to avoid the sense of emptiness that follows ejaculation. In Platonic Animal (Puratonikku Animaru, Jōhōsentā Shuppankyoku, 1992), Tadashi Yoyogi also distinguishes between "orgasm" and "ejaculation," maintaining that men can attain true orgasms by removing their male armor and destroying their own egos. He then goes on to suggest that if everyone on Earth could experience genuine orgasms, the world would be a better place to live. 11 Pitfalls latent in the pursuit of pleasure I do not reject the efforts of these authors. But I would like to take a different approach, because if you set off, like them, in pursuit of true orgasms, there is a danger that you will only increase your "desire for sexual pleasure" while maintaining your distorted sexuality and interpersonal relationships as they are. In concrete terms, there is a risk that in attempting to help men attain greater sexual pleasure, we may inadvertently encourage men to have a lot of sex with 153 prostitutes (in fact, one man who is engaged in efforts to spread the adoption of Tantra has written an essay in which he speaks proudly of the supremely pleasurable tantric sex he had with a prostitute in India). It is also easy to imagine a man who has gained the ability to have multiple orgasms without ejaculating becoming a peerless hunter, felling his prey one after another. This is not the kind of man I want to become. I therefore think it is necessary to first think very carefully about how to deal with my twisted sexuality and how to avoid being manipulated by the sexual desire that exists within me before pursuing an orgasm that will make me one with the universe. Furthermore, as I discussed in How to Live in a Post-religious Age (Shūkyōnakijidai wo Ikiru Tameni, Hōzōkan, 1996), I used to belong to a "Qigong" group, and there was a time when I felt drawn toward the Aum Shinrikyō cult. I have seen with my own eyes the potential for evil harbored by people with a longing for ultimate pleasure and a feeling of oneness with the universe. There are indeed pitfalls awaiting any man who seeks pleasure. Gradually and without his knowing, the pursuit of pleasure can transform itself into the pursuit of power and greed. I therefore think the best approach is to begin by humbly acknowledging "male frigidity" and accepting it as something that can be affirmed. 12 Towards a "frigidity" that opens into "gentleness" "Frigid men" are by nature not eager to 154 acknowledge their own frigidity. But what happens when a "frigid man" accepts his frigidity with dignity? I think he may then have an opportunity to escape from being a "frigid man." If he becomes able to deeply affirm and love his frigid self he will no longer be a "frigid man"; while remaining unable to experience intense pleasure he will nevertheless become able to be unreservedly happy to have ejaculated, and, along with the feelings of emptiness and isolation that follow ejaculation, tender feelings will also spread within him and he will begin to have a desire to cherish humanity and the world. What I am looking for, I think, is this sort of experience. In this book, I have used the term "frigidity" because I thought it would be comforting to treat it as a medical condition in a broad sense rather than to treat it as a personal or private concern. But "frigidity" is not necessarily something that requires medical treatment; it is possible to live a fulfilling life with this condition. One way to do this may be to remember once again the sort of relationship you originally wanted to have with the woman you love. A man can say, "I suffer from frigidity, but I want to be gentle," and attempt to live his life by this maxim. If "frigidity" opens into gentleness, can it not then be wholeheartedly welcomed rather than shunned? Even when you have no sexual partner, it might be better for you to attempt to fill your heart with kind feelings towards other people immediately after you masturbate. The key is a "gentleness" that can only be shown because you are "frigid." I am confident that this experience of frigidity, 155 which has a tendency to lead to feelings of "defeat," "self-negation," and "revenge," can also be made to inspire feelings of "gentleness" towards beings that have life and are easily harmed. Making frigidity a source of gentleness: this is the opening through which we can escape from being "frigid men." There must be a way in which a man can first acknowledge his frigidity for what it is, recover a body and mind that enable him to have gentle feelings after ejaculation, unravel the kinks in his sexuality and interpersonal relationships, and then attempt to discover sexual pleasure. The most important thing is to build tender relationships with the people you love and who are important to you, relationships in which you are able to respect and cherish each other. If it is required in order to support the creation of this kind of relationship, you should explore the furthest reaches of sex together with your partner. A great deal of information relevant to this kind of exploration is easily available. I think you should not have excessive expectations regarding sex when it is not absolutely necessary in order to foster gentleness or when you do not have a partner. In any case, the most important thing to avoid is having sexual pleasure become your goal and its pursuit come to dominate your life. More than anything, what is needed to begin with is for each man to take a hard look at himself and figure out what practical approach would suit him best. 156 13 Dissolving the sense that "my body is dirty" The second thing a frigid man must do is thoroughly dissolve his sense that "my body is dirty." Men who continue to have sex while thinking that their own bodies are dirty tend to harm not only their female partners in various ways but also themselves. But it does not seem likely that this problem can be solved by lifting weights and paying more attention to fashion, because there are cases in which men continue to hold on to the idea that their bodies are dirty while working far too hard to make themselves more physically attractive. It is perhaps necessary for each individual to analyze the source of this "my body is dirty" feeling. In my case, the fact that I could not affirm my experience of wet dreams was very important. I encourage readers to think about how things went in their own case. In order to change this feeling, it may be helpful to have a partner you can trust. You could open up to this partner about what bothers you about your own body, and if she accepts what you say sympathetically, then you could talk your problems over with her and try to find a way to solve them. There should be ways of coming to better understand each other and gradually share with each other the fact that your body is not really dirty and there is no reason to have a negative feeling about that. There are many things that can be gained by gently touching each other's bodies and sharing your feelings. Concerning the above, I think it might be better if it 157 were customary for experienced adults to provide sexual guidance to both girls and boys when they reach junior high school age. Rather than only providing sex education in a classroom setting, would it not be better to have a culture in which adults with strict self-control acted as practical advisors, talking with children about worries and difficulties associated with sex and providing assistance regarding their sexual development and behavior? I don't think it is absurd to suggest that adults should share their experiences, failures, and lessons learned with children before they develop a distorted sense of the human body and how people have sex through the Internet and other media. Here something else comes to mind. I would like to ask my male readers if they can imagine their own fathers masturbating and ejaculating. I suspect most of them will feel somewhat disgusted when they try to imagine this kind of scene. There may even be some who find it nauseating. You can imagine your father heartily slurping up a bowl of noodles without difficulty, so why can't you imagine him masturbating? The reason this is so difficult is that you yourself cannot fully affirm masturbation. Your father almost certainly masturbated, and it was from his sperm released during sex that you were created. It is important to think about these things a little bit more deeply. Men often talk with great feeling about the fact that they were born out of their mother's womb, but when it comes to the fact that they were also created by their father's ejaculation, this is something they tend to thoroughly avoid acknowledging. It seems likely that 158 both the problem of male frigidity, which is connected to ejaculation, and the problem of men finding their own bodies dirty lie behind this tendency. 14 Freedom from the illusion of "tremendous pleasure" The third thing a frigid man must do is liberate himself from the delusion that there is "something tremendous" hidden in targets of fixation such as sex with young girls, rape, uniforms, and what is underneath a miniskirt. "Frigid men" are particularly prone to this kind of delusion, because being unable to find pleasure within themselves, they suspect that "something tremendous" may lie hidden in some "unknown territory" beyond their own bodies. For example, they may imagine that if they rape a girl who is still in elementary school, they will attain the kind of "tremendous pleasure" they have never been able to feel in the past. Getting excited by just looking at a miniskirt or uniform may not be so terribly bad, but when the search for tremendous pleasure leads to actually paying a young girl for sex or raping her, it becomes a serious problem. The incident that occurred in the Akasaka area of Tokyo in 2003 in which female elementary school students were abducted and held in captivity can be seen as a model example of this kind of case. The man who committed this crime killed himself with the girls still being held captive, and presumably he wanted to use these girls to experience, even if only once before his death, "tremendous pleasure" of a kind he had 159 never known. In order to eliminate rape and sex with young girls, men must be freed of the delusion that "tremendous pleasure" must exist in some unknown territory. This is something that I believe is extremely important. To this end, it is important that the mechanism of things like miniskirts, uniforms, lolicon, and rape be made clear in a way that anyone can understand. This book is one attempt to realize this goal. I hope you will delve into your own experiences while using what I have said as a reference. Even if it is only for a brief instant, if you can get a bird's-eye view of the mechanisms of the sexual labyrinth in which you are trapped, it should make it easier for you to see the route to the exit. The clarification of these mechanisms will require further research in addition to the investigations conducted in this book. Joint efforts between men's studies and women's studies in this area are eagerly awaited. 15 To people who are troubled by what I have been saying Among the readers of this book, I suspect there are some who feel an indescribable sense of discomfort with what I have been saying. It may seem as though this male author has been indulging in undisciplined discussions of male sexuality for his own satisfaction. Some may suspect that I have in fact just been affirming the status quo while writing in a style that suggests I am criticizing it. Feminist women may ask 160 why they should have to listen to a man preach about sexuality at this point. I did in fact receive this kind of criticism from some of the participants when I gave a presentation at a meeting of the Women's Studies Association of Japan. Their criticism was that since a social structure in which men dominate, despise, and inflict violence upon woman has been put in place when it comes to sex, any theory of sexuality that does not include self-criticism of this fact is like a middleaged man lecturing a bunch of women with his fly open. This book may also come in for criticism from those who do not think sex should be discussed so lightly. Others may wonder why this author talks so arrogantly about sex without studying the structures through which men dominate women that have been elucidated by feminism. I have in fact received this sort of criticism. My writings may feel like yet another case of a man sidling up to women. There will no doubt be derisive claims that what men say cannot be trusted at all. Regarding the above, there is only one thing I would add. My "men's studies" began as a direct and earnest response to the impact of feminism and women's liberation. Feminist Mitsu Tanaka once stated that she wondered if the time will ever come when men will talk about their own pain in their own words, and I think men's studies begins with the sincere undertaking of this task. For an example of my engagement with feminism and women's liberation see my Life Studies Approaches to Bioethics (Keisō Shobō, 2001). I find feminism's depiction of structures of male 161 sexual domination very persuasive. Men must change in order for these structures to be broken down. In particular, men's sexuality must change. I believe that my first-person narrative of unspoken aspects of male sexuality can bring its essence into the light and provide an opportunity for the dismantling of these structures of sexual domination from the male side. In this book I have made various attempts toward this end. These have included topics that may invite misunderstandings and issues that are dangerous to address. But I have never taken the attitude, all too common among young intellectuals, that it is fine to go no further than making superficial and pedantic discussions about this or that subculture (such as, for example, the way otaku talk) while affirming the current state of affairs. At the same time, however, I would also like to make a clear distinction between my views and the sort of conservatism that supports the "restoration of fatherhood." At first glance, this book's approach of affirming "the state of being a man" may seem similar to the conservative assertion that men must "go back to being more manly." Conservatives lament that recently men have started to become weak like women. They preach to young men that it is important for them to have more self-confidence and become dignified and imposing "Japanese men." What I believe, however, is that on the contrary it is tremendously harmful to try to forcibly shape yourself in accordance with the sort of "masculinity" demanded by society. Affirming oneself and regaining the sort of "masculinity" prescribed by 162 society are completely different things. This must not be misunderstood. On the other hand, I may also be criticized for dwelling exclusively on the miserable side of male sexuality in this book. This sort of criticism would hold that no amount of this sort of wallowing will help damaged men recover their courage. A harsh critic might even say that he or she does not want to listen to a discussion of men based on my deficient sexual sensitivity, sexual experiences, and delusions. But what I have written here is what is true for me. In this book I have indeed not been able to say very much about the bountiful side of sex. I would like to acknowledge this here; there is indeed a fulfilling side to sex. But I believe there are things that absolutely must be done before I can discuss it. I wanted to focus on these things that are not normally discussed. I believe that after having succeeded in these efforts, various forms of sexual relationships in which other people are not merely tools in the service of your own desire will emerge. I think these will include a truly diverse range of sexual relationships and approaches to sexuality. 16 As questions for each individual... In this book I have said many things about myself and proposed many extreme hypotheses. What I hope you, the reader, will do now is begin to ask yourself how things stand in your own case. As for researchers, I hope that if they find my hypotheses incorrect they will propose new ideas of their own to replace mine. 163 When it comes to questions of sexuality there are no universal answers. Each reader must continue to think about these issues on his or her own. As for my own case, I have now gotten to the point of being able to publicly acknowledge male frigidity. This took a long time, but I think I have at last managed to do so. I no longer think that there is some kind of tremendous pleasure lying hidden and waiting to be discovered. Instead I have come to think that since having frigidity is not really a problem, what I want to strive for is becoming a kind and gentle man in the truest sense of these words. Regarding my own body being dirty, this is something that I have not yet been able to overcome. I have come to understand what a surprisingly large impact wet dreams and masturbation had on me. As a result I have not even come close to reaching a state of mind in which I can affirm and love my body. This is my task going forward. As for my uniform fetish and lolicon, by coming to understand their mechanisms I think I have finally been able to free myself from them. Of course, I still feel an attraction when I see a pretty girl in a uniform. But because I am now able to dispassionately view my emotions from a distance, I am no longer at the mercy of these feelings. I have come to clearly understand how consuming image after image of women causes flesh and blood women to suffer. I have also come to realize that people can build good relationships by understanding and sharing each other's feelings. I can testify that it is possible for a man's sexuality to change 164 in any number of ways. While there are many things that still need to be discussed, for now I will stop here. 165 Afterword – 2004 I set out to write a book about male sexuality that would be easy to read, enlightening and enjoyable. As the writing progressed, I realized that the topics I was dealing with were quite difficult and painful, and many times I found myself struggling to continue. Mustering all my strength, I pressed on until I had managed to put something on paper, but how did this effort turn out? In any case, I think it contains many discussions you cannot find in any other book, and I hope that what I have written is not too far off the mark. Regarding the specific contents of this book, I can only ask that you read the main text, but I think that until now there have been hardly any attempts to approach sex from this angle. When I brought this book to Chikuma Shinsho, my original idea was to target female readers because I thought that most women have no knowledge of the "men's secrets" I was planning to write about. After having finished writing it, however, I began to want men to read this book as well as women, because men do not necessarily know themselves completely, and particularly when it comes to these sorts of topics we have a tendency to intentionally look away. There is one thing for which I think I must offer an apology. It concerns what it means for someone who is a teaching professor at a university to write this kind of 166 book. I would not want to in any way limit my own academic freedom, but I suspect this book might make some of the young university students I teach uncomfortable in various ways. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for this. I hope they can forgive me. I have no intention of touching on any of the things I talk about in this book in my classes. For those interested in the intellectual background of this book I highly recommend reading my previous work Painless Civilization (Transview, 2003). Reading Painless Civilization should help you understand why I think it is necessary to consider issues of male sexuality from the perspective I have taken. I think this book can also be seen as a good example of "life studies" in a slightly relaxed or casual form. This is something that would be interesting to examine further. I would like to express my gratitude to Chishū Ishida, Yuka Orii, Yasuhito Kaneko, T. Kael, Kumi Tsukahara, Rio Numaoka, Ichiro Numazaki, and WAKKI for the valuable comments I received when this book was at the manuscript stage. I would also like to offer my thanks to Hiroyuki Ishijima who oversaw publication of this book at Chikumashobō. October, 2004, while on a rooftop looking at the moon before sunrise. Masahiro Morioka 167 Epilogue Further Thoughts on a Frigid Man – 2013 Section 1 What Has Happened to Me Since I Published the Book? 1 This book was published in February 2005. As soon as it appeared in bookstores, it attracted huge attention, and a number of comments were posted on the Internet. This was the unprecedented confession of an incumbent college professor about his sexuality, the content of which ranges from male frigidity to the Lolita complex. This explains why the reaction was so vast. First, I would like to tell you that after the publication of this book, I was assailed by tremendous psychological depression. Of course I had expected it beforehand, but the actual psychological stress was really beyond my imagination. My mind and heart became unstable; even little things stirred up my emotions, and I was overwhelmed by intense anxiety. Imagine a situation in which a book about your sexual 168 confessions goes public in front of the whole country. Whenever I searched for the title of my book, various comments struck my eyes. I saw many comments sneering at my sexuality. I saw a comment saying, "I don't want to go out with a man like the author." Since the book sold well at the college bookstore, whenever I saw students in my classes I felt embarrassed. I felt as if whispers such as "Oh, so that's the kind of man Morioka is!" were coming from all directions. News of the publication extended to a surprising place. In 2006 I gave an academic presentation at a bioethics conference in the US. An American male professor who chaired our session introduced me to the audience with a broad smile, saying, "Professor Morioka is a scholar who studies not only bioethics but also why men do not feel in sexual intercourse and why he is sexually aroused by young girls!" I presume he must have said it to entertain the audience, but at the time I was truly embarrassed and had no idea how to react to his words. I suppose readers must want to know what has become of my sexuality since publication. 2 First, there has been no change in the empty feelings after ejaculation and the feeling of descent and collapse. I still have them just like before. There were some who kindly advised me how to improve the techniques of masturbation and sex in order to enhance sexual sensitivity. They recommended that I take 169 plenty of time to make the skin of my whole body sensitive, stimulate my prostate, or take several days to enhance my sexual feelings with my partner. The sensitivity to sexual pleasure could perhaps be developed, and the feeling of emptiness after ejaculation might disappear, by using those techniques. We can read such reports of success in various books and magazines. I never deny their results, but I myself had no desire to follow in their footsteps. It seemed somehow wrong to resolve the problem of "male frigidity" by enhancing sexual pleasure, and that is why I could not follow their advice. I was searching for a way to embrace "male frigidity" and affirm myself just the way I am. "I am frigid, but this is no problem at all. I want to try to find a way to reweave my sexuality by affirming myself just the way I am." This was my real intention. Then what about the tendency to get attracted to school uniforms? Honestly speaking, I still feel attracted to school uniforms. I feel very nice when I see junior-high or high school girls wearing uniforms, and I must say I can have sexual feelings toward their uniforms. At the same time, I want to emphasize that I have come to be able to observe my sexual feelings from a distance in a calm way, because after writing this book, the mechanism of why I am attracted to school uniforms became very clear to me. I became able to see my arousal process with a cold eye. For me, the psychological drive toward school uniforms has gradually shifted from an incomprehensible emotion to a clearly comprehensible one. 170 3 Then what about lolicon (the Lolita complex)? I think girls in junior high school and the upper years of elementary school are really cute. I do not deny that I still have a tendency to be sexually attracted to them. However, I am now able to observe my sexual feelings from a distance in a calm way because the mechanism of why I am attracted to those girls became very clear to me. An "aha!" experience came to me, and I was deeply relieved. Regarding actual girls, I have come to have a kind of parental feeling, wishing these girls to survive safely and grow soundly in our society filled with sexual gazes. Although as a person who has been on the side of exploiting them, and may still be on the same side, I might not be qualified to say this, I strongly hope that they will be able to live their lives without being exploited by adults' sexual desire, and I strongly believe that a social environment in which they will be able to live in happiness should be created and maintained. Clarifying the mechanism of being attracted to young girls has given me another transformation. I have gradually become attracted to adult women. I have come to feel wonderful from the bottom of my heart when seeing an experienced, intellectual, independent, and beautiful woman. Sometimes I am attracted to female politicians or scholars who are older than I, and sometimes the attractions are sexual. The clarification of that psychological mechanism by logical 171 thinking has brought me an enormous expansion of the age range of women I am sexually attracted to. I do not know the reason why, but nonetheless, it has actually happened to me. 4 What about the idea that my male body is dirty? Unfortunately, in this realm no transformation has yet been achieved. I still think that my male body is dirty. The wish to escape from this body into another one still clearly exists inside me. It is not as easy to transform a view of the body that has permeated my mind for such a long time. This will become a bigger and bigger problem as I get older. Recently I have had an experience of providing nursing care for members of my family. People are inclined to regard their own body as dirty when they get old. People surrounding them, too, start to see them that way. Is it possible for us to grow old with dignity in a space where it is presupposed that old people's bodies are dirty? Perhaps I am going to confront a new problem as I get older because I have not been liberated from the belief that my body is dirty. To summarize, the publication of this book has brought me a decisive structural transformation of my sexuality. And this transformation has made me unable to go back to my former state of mind. My sexual sensitivity is probably almost the same as before, but in spite of this, the fundamental structure of my sexuality has been transformed, and a completely new scene is 172 now beginning to unfold before my eyes. The basic tone of this new scene is made up of my heartfelt prayer that every human being in this world lives in peace and safety. Even if in a sexual situation there swirl abnormal desires, there exist unequal relationships, or there is pain and subordination, I really wish that the people involved are never deprived of their dignity, and that all sexual activity can be woven into peaceful human relationships based on mutual respect and consent. And I myself really wish to become gentle and kind, as much as possible, to the woman I love, and this wish has become stronger than ever before. Section 2 Frigid Man and Life Studies 5 While almost all books dealing with male sexuality have been written from a general viewpoint, "men are like this," this book was written from a first-person perspective: "I am like this." As a result, the content came to resemble the author's "confessions." Arguments were put forth both for and against this methodology. On the one hand, there were compliments: the author's courage deserved the highest applause because there was no precedent for a man with high social status so deeply investigating his own sexuality based 173 on his naked confessions. But on the other hand, there appeared many criticisms that the author's discussion lacked objectivity because all he did in his book was just to unload his sexual obsessions onto his readers and hence there was no guarantee that his arguments could be applied to men in general. I say yes to both comments. I needed enormous courage to write this book, and also no objectivity is guaranteed, because what I discovered can perhaps be fully applied only to my case. First of all, I wrote this book not because I wished to clarify the objective truth on male sexuality in general, but because I seriously wanted to know the true origin of my pain and distress concerning my sexuality. Delving into our own sexuality is accompanied by unavoidable pain because it also casts a clear light on our "weak points" and makes us look straight at what we have secretly hidden inside ourselves. Since we do not want to face our weak points squarely, we have hidden them not only from other people, but also from ourselves; but without casting a clear light on them, we cannot hold onto the most essential part of our sexuality. I thought that by completing the above process before the eyes of other people in the form of a book, I would probably be able to encourage others who had embraced weakness or pain similar to mine, and by connecting those people with the thread of "weakness," we would be able to open up a new world in front of us. I exposed my weakest points in public, but as a result, I created a situation in which anyone could easily come 174 to stab them at any time. This was indeed one of the reasons why I became depressed after publication. However, this book had to be written in the form of a "confession." With regard to the criticism that confessions are not science, I would like to answer that they are certainly not included in the category which we presently regard as science. There was something more important to me than keeping up the appearances of science as we know it. That was to live my whole life without regret and to try to communicate with people who were seeking goals similar to mine. 6 I have just used the term "science as we know it." By this I mean intellectual activities that seek to acquire "objective" knowledge that can provide truth to all of us who observe the world. In science as we know it, the lack of "objectivity" is considered a fatal flaw. Of course, I do not want to deny the worth of this definition of science. It is one of the most wonderful accomplishments the human race has ever achieved. However, at the same time, I am imagining that there could be sciences or studies which are basically liberated from the restraint of this kind of "objectivity." In other words, I am imagining "a network of intellectual activities that is to be thoroughly utilized for each of us to be able to live our whole limited life without regret." While present sciences seek to acquire objective knowledge, our new sciences or studies try to figure out what it would mean to live our whole limited 175 life without regret, try to discover how we can live our life in that way, and try to have intellectual communication with others who have similar motives and objectives. Thus, here, to engage in intellectual activities and to actually live our own life are considered two sides of the same coin. I have long called such intellectual activities "life studies." A life study is an activity that tries to open up the possibility of another type of science, the methodology of which is completely different from existing ones. I believe the method of "confession," in which a person delves deeply into his or her own inner world and personal history, will be necessary for the accomplishment of this kind of studies. Of course, you do not have to make confessions before the eyes of other people. In this book I did it publicly, but please keep in mind that this is never a standard way. I will recommend that you do this work in solitude, in silence, facing only yourself, never thinking about others or an audience. The reason why I employed a method of making confessions in front of others was that I wanted readers to watch the actual process of the investigation of my "self" using this method. I wanted to share the process with the readers, not only the good aspects of the process, but also the bad ones. I have called this kind of process a study method of "never shelving oneself"-a method of study that can be carried out only by "never detaching oneself from the subject being investigated." Many people put themselves aside to discuss a problem; however, when we do life studies, we have to tackle the problem while 176 never shelving ourselves, always including our own actual ways of life as part of the problem. We make confessions in order to never detach ourselves from the problem under discussion. 7 The book Confessions of a Frigid Man was written using the methodology of "life studies" discussed above. I would be grateful if people perceived this book not as a tacky confession meant to expose my own private life to others, but as an intellectual trial of opening up an alternative possibility in the realm of the sciences. I have explored the method of life studies in my past several books, although in an insufficient manner. The first book written from a life studies approach was How to Live in a Post-Religious Age (1996), which dealt with the Aum Shinrikyo incident, an incident in which members of a religious cult group attacked the Tokyo subways with homemade sarin gas, leaving thirteen people dead and more than 6,000 injured. At first, Aum Shinrikyo was a small group aspiring to gain the truth by practicing yoga, but they got off track somewhere and transformed themselves into religious fanatics who wished to destroy the entire system of our society. Just after the incident, I began research on them, but the more I investigated their crimes and their backgrounds, the more I came to believe that I could have become a person like them, because I found a number of similar thoughts and passions between some of the top senior cult members and myself. I could not 177 avoid asking who I was and what I was all about. In order to investigate the question, I looked back along the path of my life up until then, and tried to excavate from the deeper layers of my memory my past bitter experiences, my strong attraction to religions, and the setback that I was nevertheless unable to follow the path of religion. I confessed these experiences in the book and tried to figure out how a person, myself, who had not been able either to become a scientist or to follow a religious path, could live his whole life without regret. 8 After that, in the year 2003, I published the book Painless Civilization. This is the most important book I have ever published, which has had a deep influence on those who are interested in philosophy and sociology. In this book, I thoroughly examined the essence of contemporary civilization and raised an alarm that in our civilization, which lures us to avoid pain and suffering and to concentrate on pursuing pleasure and pleasantness, we are inevitably driven to the verge of losing the joy of life in exchange for the satisfaction of our desires. I called the whole structure of our civilization which provides us with pleasure and pleasantness, makes us avoid pain and suffering, and as a result deprives us of the joy of life, "painless civilization." And this structure permeates not only every corner of our society but also the deepest layers of our inner selves. The word "civilization" reminds us 178 of systems or devices outside ourselves, such as social systems, mechanical devices, and food production systems, but this is no more than one side of the story. In order to think seriously about the trap of painless civilization, we have to gaze squarely and earnestly at what lurks inside us who try to become adjusted to a painless civilization. In order to accomplish this, I used the method of confession. I resolved to take up my own life as material for discussion and delved into the deepest core of my inner world, which I had never wanted to see or touch. Then I tried to make it clear in front of readers what kind of life I had led in contemporary civilization, what kind of identity armor I had been protecting myself with, what it was that I had been most afraid of, what it was that a painless civilization had protected inside me, and what it was that a painless civilization had deprived me of in exchange for that protection. I adopted the method of studying the researcher himself in order to investigate the most essential mechanism of contemporary civilization, and this became the second publication in life studies. And through the investigation of my inner self I came to realize that it was nothing but my own desire that had generated the very basis of the painless civilization that had provided me with pleasure, pleasantness, and comfort, and hence that in order to transform the painless civilization surrounding us, we have to transform ourselves first of all. Then, during the period of writing, I was repeatedly forced to dismantle the inner core of my self, until finally I was 179 dismantled from within and at last an unanticipated self appeared. Strangely enough, during this period my sexuality was also deeply transformed. Aggression and violence in my sexuality gradually disappeared from me, and a new sexuality filled with gentle and kind emotions started to take form at the bottom of my heart. Looking back from the present, I believe this transformation in sexuality must have laid the groundwork for the idea of the "frigid man." In Painless Civilization I used the term "the self-trapped corpus cavernosum penis" to describe the true nature of painless civilization, which seems to strongly suggest a close relationship between the function of a painless civilization and that of male sexuality. Painless Civilization is a thick book of philosophy that deals with a variety of issues in contemporary society; hence it is impossible to summarize the book's contents here. But at least it is certain that it was this book that prepared the basic idea and framework of Confessions of a Frigid Man. We can say that life studies has developed first in the field of religious studies, second in the field of civilization studies, and third in the field of gender and sexuality studies. It is impossible to explain life studies in a word. I want to say instead that the central concept of life studies will emerge with clarity from a careful reading of these three books, How to Live in a Post-Religious Age, Painless Civilization, and Confessions of a Frigid Man, which comprise the trilogy of Morioka's "life studies." 180 9 Life studies has continued to develop since the publication of Confessions. In 2008, the book Lessons in Love for Herbivore Men (Media Factory) was published, in which I sent young men who were inexperienced in romantic love the message that it is not necessary to become "masculine" in order to build romantic relationships with women. The term "herbivore men" became a buzzword just after the publication of this book and spread around the world. I wrote in Chapter Five of Confessions of a Frigid Man that "since having frigidity is not really a problem, what I want to strive for is becoming a kind and gentle man in the truest sense of these words." The reason I wrote this was that in the process of writing this book I came to fully realize that there lurked an inevitable and overwhelming tendency towards violence in the sexuality of one, myself, who had been born and brought up as a man. I then began to think that this tendency toward violence in my sexuality should be dismantled, and I began to hope from the bottom of my heart that young men who were about to set out on a journey into the world of romantic love and sex would explore alternative paths of enjoying them in as nonviolent a way as possible. I really hoped that I would be able to convey the knowledge and wisdom that had accumulated within me to young men who resembled me as I was almost thirty years before, and that they would grow into men who were really able to develop and nurture gentle and kind relationships with 181 their partners. At first sight, Lessons in Love for Herbivore Men appears to be a practical manual that illustrates in detail the way to success in romantic love, but underneath appearances, there was also a message of the sort described above. 10 I recall the following sentence in Painless Civilization. "It is the person who has thoroughly reduced his or her pains and sufferings by artificial means who least perceives others' pains and sufferings, least lends an ear to others' pleading voices, and least recognizes the fact that others are being unilaterally crushed under his or her own foot when it is actually happening" (p.33). The person who has made him/herself insensitive to pain and suffering in order to protect him/herself becomes a person who can exercise the most brutal violence toward other people. Frigid men, herbivore men, and violence caused by avoiding pain are connected in a straight line here. However, herbivore men may not be completely innocent of violence. If nonviolent people such as herbivore men become adapted to painless civilization and support it, they passively share in the responsibility for the violence of painless civilization that aims to deprive people of their joy of life, and even if the time comes when herbivorous men have to fight against painless civilization, their herbivorousness might prevent them from resisting painless civilization by force. This is a completely new topic of discussion. 182 We will have to give it thorough contemplation. I am now also looking for a new way of thinking in the field of philosophy of life and death. I am planning to create, in contemporary philosophy, a new genre of "philosophy of life" in which we can think philosophically about the meaning of birth, death, and nature against the background of contemporary society and technology. The most basic idea of the philosophy of life is, "I am really glad that I have been born." I call it "birth affirmation." I am investigating the meaning of this idea and imagining what kind of view of society, the world, and nature will loom large when we place this idea at the center of philosophy of life. This is also one of the thoughts that has been handed down from Confessions. As I wrote in Chapter Four, I had not been able to affirm, at a deep level of the self, the fact that at puberty's fork in the road I turned towards a male body. This was one of the reasons why I have grappled with various problems relating to sexuality. However, it is impossible for me to go back to that point of bifurcation and live my life over again. I have already lived more than half of my life. Is it really possible for me to live from now on with a sense of affirmation of my whole life? Is it really possible for me to truly bless the fact that I have been born to this life, with its particular content? I want to think philosophically about this kind of problem in depth. I have published some papers on "philosophy of life" in Japanese. I am now writing a thick book on the philosophy of life that deals with the meaning of life from the perspective of 183 "birth affirmation." As described above, Confessions of a Frigid Man was a book that came into existence as a necessary result of my thought process up until then, and it is a book that will surely prepare the basic groundwork for my future thoughts and publications. Section 3 Public Responses to Confessions of a Frigid Man 11 A variety of questions have been posed since the publication of Confessions. I would like to answer some of these questions here. 1) "Male frigidity can be explained biologically." I wrote in the book that the causes of "male frigidity" and of "the sensation of something piling up" can be explained in two ways: biologically and psychologically. Some readers advised me to study recent scientific discoveries because the cause can be fully explained by biology. For example, they said "male frigidity" was explained by evolutionary biology: it comes from the instinct of male animals who have to quickly stand up after ejaculation to guard their mates against other males or predators. Or, they said that the 184 "sensation of something piling up" can be explained by the concentration of androgen in the blood and the quantity of semen in the prostate gland. As I pointed out in this book, I do not deny that there may be biological causes for those phenomena. What I want to stress is that it is not a good idea to think that "only biological causes are to be considered" or that "there is no such thing as social causes." Psychology and brain research have discovered that what is thought to have been created by biological causes may also have been influenced by the social environment, and what is thought to be created by social causes could also be influenced by biological processes or substances. The very idea that biological causes can be clearly separated from social causes and vice versa may be completely wrong. Therefore, to the criticism that "male frigidity can be explained biologically," I would like to reply, "There may be some aspects of male frigidity that can be explained biologically." 12 2) "I am not frigid." "For the first time I have come to know that men do not have pleasure in sex." In this book I have made an investigation using myself as an example, and I have repeatedly emphasized that my theory cannot necessarily be applied to men in general. However, there were male and female readers who had the wrong impression 185 after reading this book that my conclusion was, "All men, without exception, are worried about frigidity." Actually, there were male readers who argued, "I'm not frigid!" and female readers who expressed the feeling that "It was really shocking to find out how men feel during sex." With regard to this point, I have to confess that there were actually some misleading statements in the book, and I deeply regret that I did not express myself better. While I was writing this book, I was never confident that there really were men whose sexuality was similar to mine. While writing about myself sincerely, I was really hoping somewhere in my mind that other men who had feelings like mine actually existed, at least somewhere in this world. Such emotions probably influenced me to write sentences which could be read as if I were generalizing my own sexuality. After publication, several men who confessed that their sexuality was similar to mine sent me sympathetic opinions. On the Internet, too, there were men who wrote: "Oh, this is just like me!" Here I write down the fact that reading those comments I came to know I was not alone; there were fellow men who lived their lives in a similar situation. And by knowing that I was deeply consoled and encouraged. 13 3) "Sickening because the author idealizes women too much." 186 There were criticisms that women were overidealized throughout the book. For example, when "male frigidity" was discussed, the fabulousness of female sexuality was overemphasized, and when "lolicon" was discussed, the girl's body that begins to show secondary sex characteristics was depicted as something unimaginably beautiful, so beautiful that it lured a frigid man to slip his consciousness into her body. One reader commented that this was sickening. If they had read carefully, such readers would have easily understood that my point was not that I wanted to know whether or not a woman's body or sexuality was actually fabulous; what I wanted was to make clear why the idea that "a woman's body or sexuality is fabulous" had been inscribed inside me. I wanted to clarify where the inclination to idealize women came from, if such an inclination really existed in me. And I searched for the cause of this inclination in the sense of emptiness after ejaculation, in the thought that this male body of mine is dirty, or in my having the thought that I had developed in the wrong way. Some female readers expressed the criticism that the images of women's bodies described in this book were very superficial and never reflected women's reality. Now, I think this may be correct. It is almost impossible for a man to understand what it is to actually live in a woman's body. However, the same thing can be said about women's understanding of men's bodies. Hence, it is very important to encourage the quest for mutual understanding between women 187 and men about their bodies and sexualities. Of course a number of unimaginable obstacles will arise in this pursuit, but I believe the time has come for collaborative work between the two sexes. (I have suggested such activities in the book Lesson in Love for Herbivore Men, as far as I could.) I have received a number of comments from LGBT readers. Some of them were critical that this book was written from a heterosexist perspective, paying no special attention to the gay or queer point of view. Basically I agree with their criticisms, but I would like to add some words here. The basic backbone of my own sexuality is heterosexual; hence, when I examined my own sexuality, there was no other way to do it but from a heterosexual point of view. This does not mean that gays' or queers' perspectives were belittled or ignored. There were other people who praised my courage in making my sexuality open and public. According to them, there had been many people who had confessed their own sexualities in a straightforward manner, but almost all of them were members of sexual minorities; it was very exceptional for a person who was considered a member of the sexual majority to publish a book like this. This comment moved me because that was just one of my motivations for writing this book. However, after publication I became confused about whether or not I really was a member of the sexual majority, because many readers pointed out that the descriptions of the mechanism of my "lolicon" sexuality sounded very strange and peculiar; hence my sexuality could never be thought of as "ordinary" or "normal." 188 14 4) "I do not understand why photography books of sexy young female idols are morally wrong." In this book I criticized the publication of young girls' photographs in which sexual messages are tacitly inscribed. However, a number of opinions came out, especially on the Internet, saying that the reason why such photographs are morally wrong is not clear. They said that there was no explicit image of genitals in the photographs, and clear consent was given by the girls themselves and their parents, so no problems could be found at all, and if we regulated those photographs it would violate "the freedom of expression" and cause a huge problem. I object to this kind of opinion once again. Even if a girl herself consents, it is highly unlikely that every such girl is able to clearly understand the implications of the sexual messages inscribed in her photos, especially in the case of an elementary school girl. There is a danger that when she grows into an adult woman, and for the first time is able to understand every meaning of the sexual messages, she will realize that the images of her own body have been consumed as a sexual tool in an unbearable manner, and it will cause serious damage to her mind and body. I believe we should never make young girls take such a risk, even if their parents have given consent for it. Readers might wonder how such a thing can happen in Japan. Current 189 Japanese society is very permissive toward sexualized images of young girls. If you come to Tokyo and enter a bookstore in Akihabara, you can see a number of photography books filled with images of sexy junior high and/or elementary school girls, as described in Chapter Four. Since these are all legal, you can buy them even in ordinary bookstores. Since the publication of this book, photo books of sexy young female idols have been replaced by DVDs, and in these videos the "child pornography in disguise" I described in this book has started to proliferate. I will refrain from writing the details, but videos in which the producers make junior high and/or elementary school girls act almost exactly like sexy adult actresses are sold in broad daylight, as if they were ordinary commercial goods. On December 24, 2005, I published an essay entitled "Is It Really Permissible to Commodify the Sex of Small Children? Lolicon Society, the Source of Crimes, and a Series of Murder Cases of Young Girls" in the Asahi newspaper, the Osaka evening edition. I pointed out that we were able to buy a DVD of an eightyear-old girl legally on the Internet, the cover photo of which was filled with sexual connotations in every detail. In the essay, I stressed that it ought to be regulated as a kind of child abuse to commodify photographed images of early elementary school girls in a sexual context, even if their parents have given consent. My aim was to legally ban the use of the images of young girls in a pornographic context. There was almost no public response to my essay. 190 There were some responses on the Internet, but all of them were objections to my argument from the viewpoint of the freedom of expression. I asked feminists, but they did not show special concern. I must say that current Japanese society is very insensitive to the danger of putting the images of young girls in a pornographic context. We have to continue discussing this problem seriously in our society. People do not talk out loud about the fact that a successful promotional video of the young female idol group AKB48, which made its debut in 2005 and has now become the Japanese national icon, was only one step away from "child pornography in disguise." (You can see in that video, which was aired repeatedly on TV, at least one of the member girls in her underwear; she was under 18 at the time.) 15 On this very subject, I am now worrying about the possible effects of my own book. I sincerely wrote that I have the susceptibility to be sexually attracted to young girls. However, by publishing this confession in a book, there arises the possibility that actual girls might suffer great psychological damage by reading my words, because in my book there is a clear declaration that even a teacher like me has the tendency to see young girls as sexual objects. Learning of this, girls might be overwhelmed by the relentlessness of the sexual gazes directed toward them and even feel fear about living in our society. My book itself could be part of the same 191 problem as photography books of sexy young female idols. I became aware of this problem when the mother of a young girl pointed it out to me. I still do not know how to solve this problem. Perhaps one solution could be to restrict this book to adults only, but this does not lead to a fundamental resolution. There are those who think that we do not have to worry so much about it because as girls grow up into adult women, they deftly adapt themselves to the sexual gazes surrounding them. However, there are probably an unknown number of girls who get hurt and drown in the sea of sexual gazes, so this is never a small problem at all. I would like all of you to think about this difficult issue once again from the beginning. Section 4 Conclusion 16 The most moving comment from readers was, "I determined to delve into my own sexuality after reading Confessions of a Frigid Man." Hearing these words, I had the feeling that every effort I had poured into writing this book was truly rewarded, because I really wished first of all that every reader recognize the problem of sexuality as his or her own existential issue, and be inspired to explore his or her inner world of sexuality in a sincere manner. Delving into your inner world is accompanied by 192 pain and risk. I do not recommend it to all people. However, when you have gone through it, driven by some sort of "necessity," and you understand the meaning of your accomplishment, a completely new world you would never have imagined can open itself before you. Writing this book was, for me, indeed nothing but this kind of experience. 193 Afterword – 2017 Confessions of a Frigid Man was published in Japanese in 2005, and a revised edition in the form of a paperback book was published in 2013, together with the newly written Epilogue. A Korean translation was published in 2005, the same year of the publication of the first Japanese edition. In 2012, I began working with Robert Chapeskie to produce an English translation of the book. We tried hard to convey the shades of meaning in the original Japanese into English as much as possible; however, here and there, we added additional information for an international audience to better understand the cultural background behind the discussions in this book. And in this process, I made a number of small revisions in the translated English text. As I have noted in the epilogue, this book constitutes the third of the trilogy of "life studies." Trilogy of Life Studies Book 1 How to Live in a Post-Religious Age (1996) Book 2 Painless Civilization (2003) Book 3 Confessions of a Frigid Man: A Philosopher's 194 Journey into the Hidden Layers of Men's Sexuality (2005) As a translation of How to Live in a Post-Religious Age has been half finished, readers will be able to read it in some form in the near future. A translation of Painless Civilization is currently under way, but now I strongly feel that I will have to write Part II of this book in Japanese, hence, it might take long time to finish the translation of the entire book. The contents of these three books are closely interconnected. I hope readers will become interested in the method of "life studies" through these three books. After I finished writing the trilogy of "life studies," I turned to the field of philosophy again, and began writing a series of books on philosophy of life. The first book was published in Japanese in 2013 under the title, Manga Introduction to Philosophy. This is a book that discusses hard problems such as "What is time?" "What is being?" "What is I?" and "What is it to live?" in the form of manga (cartoon), the original drawings of which were drawn by me. This is not a usual introductory book. This is a book entirely made up of my original philosophical thinking on the above themes. A translation of this book is also under way, hence, readers will be able to read it in the future. I am now writing two other books on philosophy of life, which are also deeply interconnected with each other. 195 Book 1 Manga Introduction to Philosophy (2013) Book 2 Philosophy of Birth Affirmation (To be published) Book 3 What is Philosophy of Life? (Tentative title. To be published) It seems to me that it will take at least several years to finish Philosophy of Birth Affirmation, but I believe this will be the most important book of my entire works. With regard to Book 3, I am not sure when I will be able to start writing it. These three books are envisioned as another trilogy, the trilogy of the "philosophy of life." By the way, after finishing a first draft of the translation of Confessions, I spent a long time wondering whether I should send it to publishers and pursue the possibility of commercial publication, or self-publish it in the form of an e-book. After careful consideration, I decided to choose self-publishing via ebook and on-demand platform first, because I really wished to convey the message of the book directly to international readers without any alterations for commercial purposes, which sometimes occur in the publication of the translation of foreign books by commercial publishers. In our translation, readers can read almost the same content as the Japanese edition, although many minor changes have been made for reasons described above. 196 Since the publication of the Japanese edition, I have received a number of emails and messages from around the world that encouraged me to publish an English translation so that international readers can read the content of the whole book. I really wish that this book reaches unknown readers who are worried about their sexualities and the philosophical meaning of their lives. I would like to thank Annie Gottlieb for her longtime encouragement and professional suggestions, and thank the editor of the Japanese edition, Hiroyuki Ishijima, for publishing this controversial book at the publishing house Chikuma Shobō. *This research was supported by MEXT KAKENHI Grant Number JP23520029. 197 About the Author Masahiro Morioka, Ph.D., is a professor at Waseda University, Japan. He teaches philosophy and ethics. His specialties include philosophy of life, bioethics, gender studies, and civilization studies. He was born in Kochi Prefecture, Japan, in 1958. He graduated from the University of Tokyo and worked for the International Research Center for Japanese Studies and Osaka Prefecture University before he came to Waseda. He is considered by many to be one of the leading philosophers in the current Japanese philosophical community. Books In English Masahiro Morioka, (ed.). Reconsidering Meaning in Life: A Philosophical Dialogue with Thaddeus Metz. Journal of Philosophy of Life. 2015. In Japanese An Invitation to the Study of Life. Keisō Shobō. 1988. Brain-Dead Person: Human Relationship–Oriented Analysis of Brain Death. Tokyo Shoseki. 1989. 198 Consciousness Communication. Chikuma Shobō. 1993. Reconsidering the View of Life. Chikuma Shobō. 1994. How to Live in a Post-Religious Age. Hōzokan. 1996. An Intellectual Method of Facing Oneself. PHP Publications. 1997. Life Studies Approaches to Bioethics: A New Perspective on Brain Death, Feminism, and Disability. Keisō Shobō. 2001. Life Torn Apart. kinokopress.com. 2001. Painless Civilization: A Philosophical Critique of Desire. Transview Publications. 2003. Confessions of a Frigid Man: A Philosopher's Journey into the Hidden Layers of Men's Sexuality. Chikuma Shobō. 2005. Life Studies for Beginners: A Philosophy for Facing Oneself. Transview. 2005. Lessons in Love for Herbivore Men. Media Factory. 2008. Herbivore Men will Bring Your Last Love. Magazine House. 2009. The 33rd Stone: A Philosophy for a Wounded Age. Shunjū Sha, 2009. Connecting the Living and the Deceased. Shunjū Sha. 2012. Manga Introduction to Philosophy. Kōdan Sha. 2013. Philosophy, Trauma, Sexuality: Book Reviews 19862001. Kinokopress. 2015. A Philosophical Inquiry into Personhood, Dignity, and Brain Death. Kinokopress. 2015. 199 Papers "Reconsidering Brain Death: A Lesson from Japan's Fifteen Years of Experience." Hastings Center Report Vol.31, No.4 (2001):41-46 "Is it Morally Acceptable to Remove Organs from Brain-Dead Children?" Lancet Neurology, Vol.6 (2007):90 "Narrative Responsibility and Moral Dilemma." Theoretical Medicine and Bioethics, Vol.32, No.2 (2011):91-99, with Takanobu Kinjo. "Natural Right to Grow and Die in the Form of Wholeness." Diogenes, Vol.57, No.3 (2011):103-116 "Human Dignity and the Manipulation of the Sense of Happiness." Journal of Philosophy of Life Vol.2, No.1 (2012):1-14 "A Phenomenological Study of 'Herbivore Men.'" The Review of Life Studies, Vol.4 (2013):1-20 "Is Meaning in Life Comparable?: From the Viewpoint of 'The Heart of Meaning in Life.'" Journal of Philosophy of Life Vol.5, No.3 (2015):50-65 and others in Japanese or in English. Current Positions as of 2017 2015Professor of philosophy and ethics at the School of Human Sciences, Waseda University, Japan. 2015 Emeritus professor at Osaka Prefecture University, Japan. 2010Editor-in-chief, Journal of Philosophy of Life. 200 Website http://www.lifestudies.org Contact address Please visit: http://www.lifestudies.org/feedback.html